Mrs Jago’s Handy Guide to the Meaning Behind Typographical Errors Part. XXXIII

… or ‘How To Speak Typo’ by Jane Jago

abjective (adjective) – crap at describing things and very apologetic about it

asrisk (noun) – a very chancy bet

bedeffen (verb) – of folk singers the act of blocking the ears before singing 

cormflack (verb) – abuse from the seed of an orchid 

downstaris (noun) – small marsupial found in the understairs cupboards of suburbia

eafle (noun) – unimpressive bird of prey

lement (adjective) – of underwear being prone to crawl between the bum cheeks

nadke (adjective) – of clothing, becoming transparent when wet

nppli (adjective) – bumpy and prone to the cold

reabi reder (noun + adjective) – trainee preacher whose sole function is to recite the scriptures during dull bits in the service

rgeat (noun) – green cheese with bits of gravel in it

sayrt (noun) – tongue in cheek folk wisdom

shatreted (verb – past participle) – having rubbed diahorreah on one’s spouse in a fit of pique

ther emay (proper noun) – any one of many fuzzy-haired wannabe guitar legends – natural habitat social media

vitupus (noun) – the excretions of angry acne

wharever (conjunction) – southern Belle speak for wherever

yaest (adjective) – liberally bedaubed in marmite 

Jane Jago’s Drabbles – Four Hundred and Eighty-Eight

Big Bertha had a headache, which meant that most of the gnomes were walking carefully. But there’s always one idiot. 

Today it was Norbert, who was voicing the latest conspiracy theories loudly and nasally. He had got to the lizards in human costume who were invading somewhere called the White House when Bertha appeared. She stomped over and squirted something between his teeth. 

The ensuing silence reigned unbroken until Bertha disappeared.

“Superglue,” someone whispered. “He’ll be okay in a year or two. If he learns his lesson. Don’t piss off Bertha. And. Listening to biggers is deleterious to gnomely health…”

©️jj 2021

Coffee Break Read – Stin

When the ship finally opened up, Stin stood waiting with Panvia, who still held her tea and was sipping at it. He helped her to kick the blocks to the ramp in an ultra low-tech parody of the way a spaceship dock would normally autosecure.
The first person out seemed more as though he was expecting to meet an armed assault than a middle-aged maintenance technician sipping a cup of tea. He held an energy snub in one hand and looked more than willing to use it. He wore a slightly garish, military cut outfit and his black hair pulled back into a short ponytail, separating on one side around the slight lump of a skull implanted port.
Panvia completely ignored the weaponry and lifted her mug.
“If you want a cuppa, I’ve something warm and spiced on the brew. It’ll help get your innards used to the local micro-flora and fauna. Tastes pretty good too.”
The black haired man didn’t reply, he finished his visual check of the environment and apparently satisfied that there wasn’t a secret ambush waiting in the shadows, moved aside.
“Tea sounds good to me.” The reply came from a second man who emerged from the ship. This one was dressed like he was attending a debut event in Central, but with a shaggy mane of golden blond curly hair tempering the effect. “And your tea always tastes good, Pan.”
Panvia’s normally dour expression lightened to something that nearly approached a smile.
“You look like you could do with it, too. You been living on all that alien muck too long.”
Any reply the blond man might have made was cut short by a shout of unmitigated delight from the entrance to the dock.
“Durban,” Gernie called and strode over to the ship with a huge grin on his round face.” You know until I saw you just now I was only half-convinced it really was you. When you sailed out of here with that cargo I was thinking that was it. That you’d use it to set yourself up – somewhere nice in the Middle Worlds, maybe the ‘City. Or possibly, knowing you, even Central way. Why the hell would you want to come back here, man?”
He finished the speech as he reached the blond man and threw his arms around him in a close embrace which was returned with mutual back slapping. The man with the ponytail moved sharply, clearly worried and only relaxed when Gernie released his victim and stepped back, still smiling. “They still talk about you in Micha’s from when you were first here that winter we met. How long ago was that now?”
“Too many years, maybe even too many decades,” the blond man said, his own smile as warm as Gernie’s. Then he looked directly at Stin. “This a new member of your ground crew?”
Gernie followed his look, turning to see.
“Oh, that’s one of our waifs and strays. Stinian. His girlfriend dumped him and jumped out. He helps out to earn his passage one day.”
“Harmless?”
“Mostly, for sure. Aren’t you Stin?” Now what was he supposed to say to that?
“I guess,” he agreed.
Gernie had already turned away again, his back to Stin.
“This your latest boyfriend?” he was asking, nodding at the man with the black hair and the scalp port. The blond man, Durban, laughed.
“Jaz is a friend – a very good friend.”
The other man, Jaz, seemed unconcerned by Gernie’s assumption. He seemed to still be expecting some kind of trouble. Or maybe that was just his normal way of being

From A Walking Shadow, the final book in Haruspex Trilogy of Fortune’s Fools by E.M. Swift-Hook. You can listen to this on YouTube.

Ian Bristow Inspires – 7

Writing inspired by the art of Ian Bristow

Reynard sat in the sun. It lit his fur and warmed him to his bones. He had almost everything a fox could need. Except a mate. He half closed his eyes and saw her against his eyelids as svelte, and smooth, and subtle as a snake.
When he heard the voice, he thought himself dreaming at first, but the  he realised it was a real happening and he looked to where the sound came from.
She sat about two feet from him basking in the same sunbeam that warmed him.
When the sun went in they walked the night together.

 Jane Jago

Ian is an awesome artist and cover designer, you can find his work at Bristow Design or watch him in action on ART with IAN

The Rabid Readers Review – What She Said by A. M. Leibowitz

The Rabid Readers Review What She Said by A. M. Leibowitz

This modest collection of six stories (and one poem) does exactly what it says on the tin (cover) offering a variety of women-centred short fiction.

There is a gentleness about most of the stories and the prose is cleverly descriptive.

Two highlights for me were: Between Us and the Penguins, a story of misunderstanding and reconciliation, and Wishin’ You Were Here a fresh and delightful take on the theme of wedding nerves.

This little book gets four and a half stars rounded up to five and a sincere recommendation.

Jane Jago

A Cracking Little Collection!

This is a really great collection of short stories all on the theme of relationships and focusing on relationships between women. It is warm hearted and genuine and has life lessons for us all, but will particularly appeal to LGBTQ folk.

It is superbly well written and each story is a near-perfect cameo scene taken from lives that feel full, real and well-rounded.

What I loved about it most had to be the characters. After the first story I wanted to know more about the lives Drea, Alice and Junie and the same with Addie and Jenna, Penny and Regina… you get the picture. My favourite characters though were Barbara and Dottie who combined warmth, wisdom, humour and humanity.

This is a wonderful book about the human heart and a reminder that, as always, that which divides is is as nothing to that which unites us as human beings.

E.M. Swift-Hook

Jane Jago’s Drabbles – Four Hundred and Eighty-Seven

Having to sit at home and talk to each other was highlighting the biggers’ mutual loathing, and big bigger had obviously decided to do something constructive. 

He and middle-sized bigger waited at the gate while a lorry deposited a number of packages on the driveway. 

Garry Gnome puzzled out the letters on the biggest box. 

“Lux Yerry Tree House.”

“You sure Gaz?”

“Yup. And anyway there’s a picture of a tree house by the writing.”

The gnomes looked at each other in disbelief. How were the biggers going to build a tree house in a garden with no trees?

©️jj 2021

The Affair of the Dartymuir Dog. Part One

The adventures of Piglock Homes and his sidekick Doctor Bearson

It was a dull day in August and the heat was of such an oppressive character that even the normally sanguine Doctor Bearson was a little inclined to snap. Homes, of course, was fretted beyond measure – both by the lack of intellectual stimulation and by the disappearance of the kazoo with which he was wont to while away the hours of boredom.

In an effort to cheer his porcine chum, Bearson challenged him to a game of Bar Billiards, which Homes promptly lost – setting in motion a foetid sulk and the ignition of a pipe whose effulgences were so noxious as to render him almost invisible as he hunched in his wing chair swearing sulphurously in Serbo-Croat.

Bearson himself was close to despair when an urgent rap upon the oaken panels of the front door heralded the arrival of the telegraph rabbit with a buff envelope in one paw. 

By the time Bearson had paid the rabbit his carrot, Homes had so far exerted himself as to knock the dottle from his pipe and scramble out of a chair that had been constructed for a person of a much larger stature.

Bearson handed him the envelope, which he slit with a grimy and nicotine blemished trotter. He read the contents and his countenance shifted from self-pitying childishness to acute intelligence.

“I say, Bearson,” he ejaculated, “this is a bit more like it.  Cast your eyes over this communication and see what it reveals to you.”

Bearson picked up the single sheet of flimsy paper.

Piglock Homes and his sidekick Doctor Bearson will continue their investigation into The Affair of the Dartymuir Dog next week

Jane Jago

Hobby-Horse

I thought I had a hobby-horse, but it’s an elephant
I ride it round a lot, of course, it’s not so elegant
I bring it in to argue whenever there’s a chance
I’m always up for fresh debate, so it can have a dance.

As soon as I get up to speak, I’m in my element
I’m anything but mild and meek, I’m always eloquent
My hobby-horse will carry me above and far beyond
It is amazing just to see, I’m cooler than James Bond.

Those who hear as I declaim, declare me eminent
They see I’m right to place the blame on each development
They stand in awe as I lambast, demolish and defeat
They lift their hands in much applause, they cheer and stamp their feet.

I’ll take the basic premise and I’ll add embellishment
I’ll never be remiss because it’s not my temperament
The ones who do deride me say that I am malevolent
But they are those whose opinions I think irrelevant…

E.M. Swift-Hook

Weekend Wind Down – Last Hope on Hell’s Breath

Jazatar Baldrik sat at a table beside the cairn of stones in the Last Hope, his back against the solid rock wall, a plate of cut fruit on the table in front of him, watching the doorway and thinking about trust.
Hell’s Breath had been named by some unknown explorer, who Jaz thought must have been a real joker. Perhaps wanting to prove they somehow survived the freezing surface conditions and the spectacular plumes of burning gases released as the rock decayed, that first visitor left his or her anonymous mark in the form of a small cairn of stones. It got kept, like some historical monument, behind protective screening in the bar of The Last Hope.
The Hope happened to be the best hotel on Hell’s Breath, which didn’t mean so much anymore as it also happened to be the one hotel still left open on Hell’s Breath. Built, like much of the settlement, with most all of its rooms in and under the rock.
It was hard to believe today, but beneath the small complex of geodesic domes which trapped the thin atmosphere and allowed it to be conditioned, enriched and made breathable, there had once been a wealthy and thriving community.
Jaz read a brief history on the public link saying how Hell’s Breath made its name as a stop-over on the first long-haul treks from Central to the Middle Worlds, way back in the days when that still took years. It had, according to the same source, been in its time, a naval base, a luxury resort and a ‘bohemian escape for the literati’, whatever that meant. But history long since passed it by and FTL changed it from prime location to pointless backwater.
Nowadays it survived as a tourist destination and the final resort for those like Jaz himself, who wanted to go somewhere other than where they came from and weren’t too bothered where that might be. Little more than a lump of rock, twirling through space, with a civilian port facility used by the most shady and least wealthy of the freetraders who needed a no-questions-asked fix or conversion done. As a place to hide it suited Jaz: close enough to civilisation to allow him to keep tabs on events and far enough out of the minds of civilised people to let him keep a low profile.
He had known Vel at the Hope since his earliest mercenary days and she hadn’t even blinked when he showed up, penniless and exhausted, fifteen years – more – after he last walked out of her bar. A clean up, sleep and meal later, though it had been different.
“Word has it you settled down in the ‘City years back. I’d not expected to see you around here again.”
Jaz, still nursing a pounding headache he gained from travelling the previous few days in the poorly pressurised cargo store of a ship with no proper passenger accommodation, didn’t reply. But, as he suspected that silence wouldn’t be a problem for Vel.
“So what happened, presh? She throw you out on your useless, no-good backside? Wake up to the fact she could do a whole lot better for herself? Or are you just running from a little ‘misunderstanding’ with the authorities?”
“All the above,” Jaz admitted, his voice glum and Vel’s face softened as he knew it would.
“I don’t do charity here, Jaz.”
“I know. I’ll get work. Trust me”
She gave him a thin smile, marred by the scar pulling down though her left cheek and eating into the corner of her mouth. Her hand came out in a brief gesture and touched his, as it curled around his drink.
“I know you will, presh.”
The promise meant taking whatever he got offered and Jaz found himself running crates with a small time smuggling outfit. So small-time, the ship, the best part of which belonged to Vel’s cousin, did smuggling on a very part-time basis, when it wasn’t being hired out to the occasional tourist who came to Hell’s Breath on a Pioneer Trail Adventure. They all wanted to gawp at the famous flares, which were best viewed from low orbit.
The smuggling runs were not frequent and always without incident. Jaz sometimes wondered why Vel’s cousin even bothered to hire him as muscle. The nearest he came to needing to use violence happened one time when a small group of wiped out tourists stumbled into the dock just as the two of them were unloading a cargo, demanding a sight-seeing trip out and refusing to leave until Jaz persuaded them to come back the next day.
In between runs, he lent a hand with the maintenance of the aging ship, took tourists out to see the flares, helped out in the Hope, battled with the accounts and taught Vel’s cousin’s little girl how to pull scary faces.
In his free time he worked out or sat at a table in the bar of the Last Hope, accessing the news or entertainment channels through Vel’s remote link and wondering if it would ever be safe for him to return to the ‘City. He often thought about sending a secure message to Shame Cullen to see if there was any word on how the land lay, But that would have meant betraying his location and he knew from experience no matter how secure a secure link was supposed to be, someone could always unsecure it. And right now, he liked no one knew where he had gone. It made him safe from the CSF and whoever else in the ‘City might have felt the galaxy would be a better place without him being a part of it.

From Trust A Few, which is the first volume in Haruspex Trilogy of Fortune’s Fools by E.M. Swift-Hook.

After the Rain

The fields where we walk for our pleasure
Are part of the river today
And waterfowl serenely float, where
Summer rabbits play
There’s a stream that’s a jibbering demon
Breaking its banks with glee
To create a wriggling waterfall, where
No waterfall should be
The sheep have decamped to the higher ground
Laying all huddled together
Borrowing deep into woolly sleep, where
They dream of kindler weather
The fields where we walk in the sunshine
Offer no welcome today
Although there’s some hope in a hint of blue sky, where
The clouds have just melted away

©️jj 2021

Start a Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑