His angelic glory lit the small room as he spoke.
“Be not afraid. You have been chosen to bear a divine child,” Gabriel hoped he didn’t sound too weary.
“Afraid? You’re kidding, right?” She stood arms akimbo by the laundry bucket. “No. I’m not having anyone’s baby. Go away!”
Gabriel left. Her words, “Creepy weirdo!” following him out. The fourth sulky teen he’d asked and so far no joy. Literally.
“Be not afraid, Hannah…”
“Go away!”
“Be not afraid, Rachael…”
“Stuff off!”
Gabriel checked the list. The next one was engaged already. This was so not going to go well…

Eleanor Swift-Hook

Take this exclusive opportunity to explore the mysteries of the zodiac through the wisdom of the esoterically enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries
This sign needs a short sharp name to ram home when you have to shout at them to get their attention. Which you will – a lot. Anne, John, Kim or Gilles might be good choices.

Taurus
Bullish folk need names that are going to bear repetition – a lot of repetiton. So something that sounds nice to say like Alexander, Yolanda, Beatrice or Grayson.

Gemini
Twin names are always a good call for Gemini, even if you only have the one, it will always feel like there is another lurking about. Good choices might be Romulus and/or Remus, Chloe and/or Zoe.

Cancer
Crabs definitely do better in life when they have names that have a seaside feel to them. Marina, Piers, Sandy, or Ocean would be good options to consider.

Leo
The lion self-regards as the monarch of the zodiac so needs a very noble name. Try for something that sounds pompous and you are bound to succeed. Marmaduke, Regina, Balthazar and Hermione spring to mind.

Virgo
Be sure you name them after someone chaste and intelligent. Saints or might offer good inspiration. Ignatius, Benedict, Hildegard and Brigid, for example.

Libra
A well balanced name is a must for any Libran. It need not repeat but it does need to rhyme within if not. You could try Zsazsa, Lily, Brenden or Chester.

Scorpio
Names of famous murderers will really fit a Scorpio – and help give them a role model to aspire to, perhaps. Lucretia, Caligula, Dexter or Lizzie might be good choices.

Sagittarius
Of course you need to try for an equine link for your Sagittarian. Good choices might be Philip, Horsa, Epona or Rosalind.

Capricorn
The goat of the zodiac needs a nice woolly name. You can try Barbara, Aran, Jason, or Agnes.

Aquarius
Naming an Aquarian is always a challenge. You simply can’t choose something weird enough for them! Perhaps you might consider Zadok, Melpomene, Ramesses or Xiomara.

Pisces
There needs to be water in a Piscean name, just a splash will do, but they can become very dry without it. Victoria, Angel, Niagara and Iguazu could all be good choices.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

Nowadays lives are all lived most virtually
Virtual pictures with filters applied
Everyone now can be kept in a pixel
And our photo albums in small phones reside

I recall times that we lived in monochrome
Black and white telly, and black and white snaps
Black and white memories stare from the photographs
Black and white moments our lifetime maps

Back before then they all lived in sepia
Sepia pictures in sepia frames
Formally posed with hands in laps folded
Gazing from history, lost – without names

Further before that they lived life in oil paint
Brilliant colours that spring from the past
Glorious scenes of magnificent ancestors
Whose mighty deeds will our own deeds outlast.

E.M. Swift-Hook

Being a true shifter isn’t the blessing it may seem. But through pain and darkness Perdita seeks to find her own life despite the ambition of others…

Chapter Two – Reparation (part three)

All too soon it seemed to me, the winged ones were either freed of their compulsion or dead, while humans were throwing down their weapons in surrender. Moth hissed urgently in my brain and I turned my head to where a naked human was running for the forest as fast as his legs could carry him. Even as I saw him he began the change, but he was at bottom a coward and the thing went wrong, leaving a half man half wolf sprinting for the safety of the forest.
He never made it.
I caught him with two lazy beats of my wings and it was the work of but a second to rip his still beating heart from his chest. I held it aloft and the scent of it almost drove me to make the ultimate mistake. I wanted to eat it so badly, even if I did know I would be sick for days. My forelimb twitched with the strain of not throwing the dripping morsel into my mouth. What did it matter if I might never be able to return to human form? Was not being a dragon a fine enough thing? Moth screamed silently in my head and her impotent sorrow was enough to bring me back to sanity.
Not thinking at all about the consequences, I threw the heart to the young braggart who ate it with great enjoyment. Until it dawned on him what he had done. His crest lowered and he bent the knee – even he wasn’t young enough to think he could avoid dragon law. He had eaten the heart of an enemy from my talons, which made him mine to command for as long as I chose.
“I am your dragon, lady.” The words must have felt like spent coals in his mouth.
I looked at him for just long enough to make his status clear before I did the only thing I could sensibly do. I released him.
“A gift made in battle is simply a gift. No fault, young dragon. Your life is yours to live as you will. I only ask that you use your days wisely.”
Mandrake dropped to earth at my side and regarded the young fighter severely.
“You are a very lucky dragon. The lady saved your miserable hide when the bloodlust took you and now she frees you from what could have been a lifetime geas. I trust you will take the lessons of this to heart.”
The youngling placed his chin on the floor in a gesture of self abasement. “I shall endeavour to be wiser.”
One of the oldest and most scarred of the fighters laid a heavy claw on the youngster’s head.
“You fought well until the bloodlust took you, young dragon.”
The youngster blushed at this small praise, and I thought he might live to be a useful member of society.
Around us the mopping up process was all but finished and I felt pleased to see the captives being brought out of their prison into the rapidly disappearing daylight.
All seemed relatively healthy although they were cowed and still a little afraid.
One of the first to recover was a young female who I identified as a wererat. She came over to where Mandrake lounged at his ease beside me.
“Is you the wingmaster?”
“I am.”
“Then thank you, sir.”
“Think naught of it. Is it not a truth that lycanthropes are best pleased when they can help each other?”
“It is. But…”
He smiled and she recoiled from the sight of his gleaming teeth.
Perhaps surprisingly, perhaps not, it was the youngest dragon who took pity on her ignorance.
“Have you had no teachers madonna?”
“No messire dragon. Mostly none of us have. We have been loners brought here one by one. Loners don’t get no teaching. Mostly we just struggle to stay alive.”
The young dragon bowed his head in sympathy. “That must have been difficult. But I will tell you a law that a teacher would have told you as an infant. It may help you to better understand what has happened today.” He paused. “Not all lycanthropes are dragons. But all dragons are lycanthropes.”
To help her see, he allowed himself to flow into human form for a brief moment before becoming a dragon again.
The wererat sat down bump on the churned up snow.
“Is that a for real truth?”
“It is. And now you understand that we will help you beyond your escape from this place.”
A single tear ran down her rather long nose before she collected herself. She scrambled to her feet and bowed in every direction before scuttling back to her confederates who all patted and petted her.
The sound of heavy engines caused the former prisoners to huddle together but the youngster reassured them.
“That’s the deputies come to finish clearing up this abomination.” He turned his blunt saurian head towards Mandrake. “Permission to remain with the rescued ones.”
“Permission granted. And well thought, young one. You shall have the Queen’s authority to see that all are properly compensated for that which they have suffered.” Mandrake handed the youngster a token.
“I will bear myself with honour.”
“See that you do, young dragon.”
Suddenly I was tired beyond bearing and I felt myself losing control of my shape. I must have been visibly wavering, because the young dragon looked at me in some concern.
“Wingmaster. Is the lady ill.”
“I think not. I think just tired beyond her strength.”
Moth spoke in my head. “You let go beloved. Too weary to hold, and Moth is too spent to anchor you any more.”
I let my hold on the dragon shape go and fell unevenly and bone jarringly back into my human form. I began to shiver as the snow and slush bit through my thin human skin. Moth was too exhausted to help me and I wondered if this was to be my death day as the light grew too bright for my eyes.

Jane Jago

Ponies and Progeny or the graceless art of equine management as envisaged by the pen of Jane Jago and inspired by the genius of Norman Thelwell (1923-2004)

Today we consider the issue of sloth…

***** ***** *****

Some whimsical words on whimsical themes…

What shines so greenly through the glass?
What magic does it hold?
If you drink, what comes to pass?
Does it stop you growing old?
Is it poison? 
Is it food? 
What is in suspension?
Is it frozen?
Is it hot?
Is it in this dimension?
You’ll never know unless you drink it just what it will do
You may find it lifts your mind, or rips the life from you

Jane Jago

April Fools to you semi-literate little webbies. It’s upon us so you need to listen up!

This day of all days when making bloody silly jokes is all right.

Only it isn’t. It isn’t funny to send your sister a photoshopped image of her boyfriend in bed with a blonde. It isn’t funny to put an announcement of your mother’s death in the local paper. It isn’t funny to befriend somebody online only to make them the but of your annual ‘humour’ fest.

Just stop it.

It’s not funny. You’re not funny. Leave humour to those who don’t equate being funny with making people cry. Stop being an asshat for ten minutes and consider how you would enjoy being the but of one of your own ‘jokes’.

For those of you who find themselves on the receiving end of one of these gems of sparkling ‘wit’ I have the following advice.

If the perpetrator is an online acquaintance, by all means retwixigramstackblog the offensive item adding one or more of the following hashtags:

#sentbytheguywiththegherkindick

#sentbyadiscardedlover

#sentbythebitchwhohasnofriends

#thanksasshole

I think you get the idea.

However, should the ‘joker’ be known to you outside cyberspace, vengeance is perfectly acceptable. Consider one of the following:

Itching powder in the underwear.

Chilli in the wine

Pepper in the chocolates

And the classic. A kipper wired to the exhaust pipe of their car

Soooooo. To recap. Don’t do personal April Fools jokes. They are seldom kindly and never funny. 

But.

If you do. Expect vengeance…

Have fun until the next thing pisses me off.

Becca offered a silent prayer as the engine failed to catch then did. The car was too old but she couldn’t manage without it. Today, her day off, she had been temping as a receptionist. Tomorrow it was back to an early start as a home carer. But now she had to collect the kids from her mother’s. A neighbour’s daughter would babysit for her evening shift waitressing. 

On the radio, a slimy politician sucking on his silver spoon was saying that poor people should get a job.

She wondered how many jobs she needed not to be poor anymore.

Eleanor Swift-Hook

Take this exclusive opportunity to explore the mysteries of the zodiac through the wisdom of the esoterically enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries.
The mythical ram is surprisingly fond of roast lamb with all the accompaniments. If you want to start a fight with an Aries suggest that redcurrant jelly is a more proper condiment than mint sauce

Taurus.
Taureans are not, by nature, attracted to gourmet dishes. They are prone to consider food as fuel rather than pleasure. Generally speaking Taurus cooks consider any food that takes longer to prepare than eat a waste of time

Gemini.
For a sign represented by twins Gemini people have remarkably restrained appetites. They can, however, always be tempted by chocolate – particularly in the shape of a certain biscuit and caramel bar, which comes conveniently two to a packet

Cancer.
Cancerians tend to look sideways at any food they consider to be ‘messed about’ – by which they mean anything that isn’t served with chips and peas. Fish in batter is a favourite although they are willing to allow a sausage with the proviso it contains neither herbs nor garlic

Leo.
Leo’s appetites are as large and genial as those of the sign’s spirit animal. Shepherds pie, beef stew, and anything on which you might sensibly pour custard are all greeted with roars of delight

Virgo.
Sushi, sashimi, raw vegetables and hummus. For some inexplicable reason the zodiac’s virgins like their food raw. It has been postulated that they equate cooking food with the removal of its virtue

Libra.
Baked goods of a complex nature appeal to this sign’s affinity with measuring devices. If you would ensnare a Libra with your culinary skills one would humbly suggest the croquembouche

Scorpio.
Just shove an unfeasibly large amount of booze in whatever you propose to feed a Scorpion. Boeuf bourguignon. Champagne sorbet. Chicken in cider. Get the buggers drunk and they will sing your praises forever.

Sagittarius.
The archer sees himself as a gourmet of endlessly refined tastes. Sadly, though, this illusion masks an insane desire for the pub grub incarnation of lasagne – complete with chips (fries if you are a colonial)

Capricorn.
This sign is characterised by the inability to sit still for more than five minutes. Ideally, then, hand held food of simple pedigree. Give the goat a pasty and he will be your slave forever.

Aquarius.
The house of responsibility. Requires to read the food map before eating anything. Ideal meal is locally sourced and heavily vegetable based. Borsch and spelt bread is an ideal. But do stand back when an Aquarian belched

Pisces.
It is perhaps surprising that Pisceans love to eat fish. It seems to resonate with some masochistic inner swimming thing. Salmon en croute is the absolute apogee of their imagination.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

Let mine be the hands
That hold you as you sleep
Let mine be the arms
Into whose warmth you creep
Let mine be the feet
That walk each path you do
Let mine be the eyes
That watch the stars with you
Let mine be the strength
Upon which you rely
Let mine be the heart
That loves you till we die

Jane Jago