Conventional wisdom will tell you that you should have baked a fruit cake of the size and consistency of a breeze block sometime last January and that you should have been feeding it brandy weekly ever since. That you should have handcrafted marzipan from ground almonds and other ingredients too numerous to mention. That you should have spent many hours making Holly Leaves and Christmas Roses from sugar paste. And that your icing should be as smooth and hard as a frozen pond.
Pfft, I say. And again pfft.
Number one. Nobody eats Christmas Cake.
Number two. If they did it’s fattening.
Number three. Whatever…
But:
If you must make a cake, just chuck together whatever is your usual fruit cake recipe and shove a quarter bottle of rum in the mix. Buy a slab of ready rolled marzipan, ditto icing. Shove on cake. Sprinkle Maltesers, chocolate raisins, and dark chocolate buttons. Job done. If you can be arsed.
More sensibly, pop along to Waitrose and buy a (insert name of famous chef here) thing. It will taste like shite but the neighbours will be impressed….
A brutal fantasy tale of piracy, friendship, romance and revenge on the high seas…
Mary shrugged and looked sternly at Jack, who was thinking so hard there was a small cloud over his head. “Now what?” Jack give her a fierce smile. “Now many things. First I gotta get the girl to safety. After that? Well, that’s the bit I got to figure out.” Mary looked at him in dawning comprehension, and with growing respect. “You ain’t a bit scared are you?” “No. I guess not. That’s probably the dwarf in me. Them buggers are afraid of nothing.” “Seems like you’re the same. Makes you the first man I’ve met who wasn’t a coward at the roots.” Jack snorted. “Surely not. What about Gobshite?” “Gobshite ain’t a man.” “Neither am I.” “Maybe not, but you’re a fuck of a lot closer.” “Thanks. I think.” “You’re welcome. And. Jack. I owe you too. So me and the girls are in. Mates rates.” “You sure? People could end up dead.” “Better dead than bored.” Some while later, Jack and Mary were walking along the quayside towards where their ships were anchored alongside the mole that reached out into the deep blue water of the bay. Jack looked up at his companion. “Sven made you an offer? And it’s still open? Mind if I ask what sort of an offer?” “What makes it any of your business?” He frowned. “Nothing. Except if it wasn’t an honourable offer I have to kill him.” Mary stared for a moment then smiled her nice smile. The one than showed a furtive dimple in her left cheek. “You’d get into a fight with that great dollop for my sake?” Jack nodded. Mary swallowed as if there was suddenly a lump in her throat before speaking very quietly. “You’re okay my friend. He offered marriage.” “But you refused him.” “Yeah. I don’t fancy him. And anyway he’s a berserker. One of them in any family is more than enough.” Jack thought that through for a moment. “You ain’t a berserker, Mary. You’re just a bit excitable. But I’m glad you never accepted him. He ain’t good enough for you.” Before Mary had chance to formulate an appropriate response, there came the sound of wings and the parrot who had been Sam’s companion through life landed on Jack’s shoulder. “Drink and the devil they did for the rest…” If a bird could sound plaintive Gravel managed it. Jack put up a hand and scratched the yellow feathers on the back of its head. Mary laughed. “Now you look like a proper pirate.” Jack made a very rude noise.
Mary’s ship, The Pink Pig, set sail at sunup – with a young woman to extract from harm’s way and a cargo of saltwater grog to pay for the voyage.
Most all of my furniture it comes from China It’s far better travelled than I’ll ever be My clothing, my laptop, my fixtures and fittings Have all come from China across the wide sea.
And when I go shopping the label of origin That does declare where the journey began Almost invariably it does say ‘China’ Their goods they are good and I am a fan.
Perhaps there are products made to be finer That come from South Africa or from Belize But value for money it seems ‘made in China’ Is the only brand label that a product needs
I want to say thanks to the people of China Who give to the world a bounty undreamed More items well priced than we can imagine I only ask that you please make them green…
A slight buzz told her someone was at the door of her apartment and she pulled up a screen to see who was there. It was one of her neighbours, Nilis par-Yorken. Not much older than her own body made her appear, mid-twenties perhaps, scruffy cut hair which seemed to be the fashion and a face that looked like it would smile a lot. She had run a check on him the second time he tried to get her to stop and chat. A local. Newly qualified as a pilot and working relief for the planetary run freight company, ATG, which was the only organisation running regular shipping to Arca. Another attraction of the place for Avilon was that in order to protect its own merchant fleet, none of the big corporations were allowed on Arca and any freetraders had to purchase a license to operate there. So she knew Nilis would have been trained locally, but the fact he’d been offworld left him open to having been recruited by the CSF or the Legacy. She let out a breath in a sigh. That was the kind of paranoia that could cripple her if she let it run unchecked. It was late and she could use that as an excuse for not responding, if he bumped into her again and asked why, but through some sense of wanting to dismiss a phantom, she opened the door and moved to grab another drink from the synth. “What are you drinking?” she asked as her visitor walked in. He stopped a couple of paces from the door, his way barred by the couch. “Uhh… Mys jist jooze, plars. Narms Nylees.” Avilon grimaced internally and began to filter out his accent. It was one of the worst aspects of living on Arca, the isolationism had led to the development of a very heavy dialect. “Maris,” she told him, turning back to persuade the synth to produce something that approximated fruit juice. “Maris par-Kenten.” “Really?” he seemed surprised. “You sound like you’re from Central.” She picked up the freshly created chilled drink and handed it to him, aware his eyes were not restricting themselves to her face. She returned the compliment. He had a good body. One he clearly looked after. “No. But I spent the last five years there studying.” “Studying what?” “My masters thesis was in Co-Regional Internexus Sub-Quantum Linkcast Technology.” Nilis blinked. “Uhh…?” Avilon shook her head and chuckled. “Mostly about how to optimise links from here to the main Coalition hubs.” He smiled, slowly. “So, what do you do for a day job?” Avilon sipped her own drink and said nothing until Nilis looked uncomfortable. “Uhh yes, that’s a bit rude of me.” “Not really, I just wanted to know why you were calling at my door this time of night before we got into the pleasantries too much.” He hesitated so long she thought he’d not reply. Then he gave an embarrassed smile. “Well, since you turned up here last cycle, I’ve been meaning to come round and ask if you needed anything, like a good neighbour should. I seen you in and out a lot so thought this time of day would work best.” It was hard not to laugh. She put her drink down, feeling even older than her fifty-two years. “You wanted to ask me out? Or were you just after a quick fuck?” The sudden flood of colour into his face was comical. “Uhh – I… Well, I mean-” She put up both her hands in a gesture of contrition. “Sorry. Central teaches you to cut to the chase in such things. I’m going to have to retune my sensibilities now I’m home.” To his credit he didn’t retreat. “I’m up for either. But I came round to ask if you’d like to come over to my place tomorrow. I got a few friends coming round, you might like to meet. Get to know some people.” “That must be cosy,” she observed, gesturing with one hand to indicate the size of the room. “Uhh, we won’t stay in, just meet up there and head out. Say yes? They’re all good people, most from this block. You’ll like them.” She hesitated a moment then nodded. Better to accept one or two occasional invitations out with one young adult social group than wind up fending them all off with excuses. That would only make her stand out. This way she might be able to be accepted on the fringes of a group without needing to commit. “Why not? I’m not busy far as I know.” Nilis made a fist and hammered the air with it. “Yes! Kiss that! So can I ask where you work now?” Avilon had to laugh. “Sure – it’s no secret. I’m doing some private consultancy work for the government.” No secret. Just a straight up lie, but one he’d find it very hard to check out. “What about you?” “I work for the ATG – that’s the -” “Arca Trading Group – what you do with them?” She was regretting her earlier flippancy now, Nilis seemed to have taken it as an open invitation to hang around, he was lounging back in the seat as if taking root there. “I’m flying shunts to some of the nearby Coalition places. Uhh, I mean, freighter runs. Works out well. I get a few days on then a few off.” Avilon faked the start of a yawn and brought her hand up to her mouth. Then moved it away with a slight smile. “Sorry. Not you. Just been a long day.” Nilis didn’t seem to take the hint. “I can tell. So how did you get to Central? I mean I know a few who tried, but only one who succeeded and he got accepted on a virtual course. I mean just getting the visas and at that…” “I got a scholarship to Central Main,” she told him, suddenly wondering if he was indeed the random neighbour being sociable or if her initial paranoia was merited. “You did? Well kiss that! Impressive. Not just a gorgeous body, but an incredible mind.” Nilis smiled. Avilon grimaced and turned it into another yawn “Yeah. Well if you don’t mind, it is kind of late and I do have work tomorrow even if you’re on a break.” She stood as she spoke and saw the reluctance in Nilis’ expression and posture, but under her insistent gaze he sighed, drained his drink and put the cup down before standing as well. “Of course. I shouldn’t keep you up. But don’t forget – we have a date tomorrow evening.” Avilon managed a smile and opened the door. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world. I could do with making a few more friends.” After he had gone she disposed of the cups and headed for bed, shaking her head at her previous doubts. Nilis par-Yorken’s motives were very easy to read.
Can you smell the rain? Lifting the dust from the street Damping the parched pavements And bouncing over your feet Can you hear the rain? Dancing a tango on the roof Drops so fat they bounce and split Tapping like tap-dancing hoofs Can you feel the rain? Blessing the thirsty earth Flowers lift their wan little faces Drinking their own rebirth Can you smell the rain? Thick and soft and sweet The autumn rain that washed the land And polished the shining streets
It is not often one is granted insight into the mind of one’s parent through the medium of literature. But so it was that I came to understand Mumsie’s tendencies to overindulge in aspects of culture most regard as less desirable – sex and booze.
It was last summer and I had gone into her ‘retiring room’ to see if she had, yet again, absconded with my iPad as I had a hankering to take it and compose bucolic pastoral poetry whilst sitting in the garden. I needed something to provide the quintessential inspirational imagery so lacking in our squalid backyard, whilst I committed the consequential flow of rhyming commentary, contemporaneously to paper with pen.
Instead, I wound up reclining in the garden reading with interest a volume I had found poking out from under her favourite chair. It even reminded me of Mummy in appearance being much handled, rather fat and dog-eared. Surprisingly it had a Biblical quotation for its title, not something I would normally associate with my mater. There were also many self-revelatory notes in my mother’s long-lost youthful hand, highlighting passages or underlining phrases.
I later learned it is also a science-fiction classic.
The Review
There is much written nowadays about supernatural beings like vampires and angels and this book falls neatly in that category.
In this book, the angel called Michael Smith comes to earth from Mars. He is fabulously wealthy and naturally has magical powers. He lives in a commune where everyone runs around naked and has sex with everyone else and they eat dead people. He is eventually killed and comes back as a ghost to explain that he is going to take over the world with a new super-race, by evolving his followers. In the end, it turns out he was really an archangel.
I found the story by turns cloying, disgusting, strangely sensual, often all three together and always puzzling.
Three stars for the intriguing footnotes and marginal commentary from my maternal parent.
We’ve been out a bevvying all down the Fox and Goose, Then we had a curry so me bowels are kind of loose Love you mate, but it’s late And the wife is at the gate And she’s yelling she’s going to her mum’s until New Year So it’s Christmas alone again this year.
We’ve been out for Christmas drinks with all them folk from work I had to karaoke now I feel such a berk Told the boss, don’t give a toss Bout the last financial loss And she told me I’d need to find a new job this New Year So it’s unemployed I am again next year.
When you die pretty much before you had the chance to learn anything about anything being a ghost is hard. I mean it ain’t like there’s ghost schools nor stuff like that. No siree. Some guy with a big knife tells you you’re dead but you can’t go to heaven nor the other place because you’re too little for them to know what you might have become. And besides which, there’s the small matter of what that man done to you afore he killed you dead. It ain’t easy. So you start watching him and you start to understand that you been given the chance to stop him. But it ain’t gonna be easy. Once you make up your mind what to do it’s just a matter of working out how to do it. It took some thought, but little don’t necessarily equal stupid and the plan feels as smooth and deadly as the knives he used on your skin. For weeks now he has heard the pitter-patter of tiny feet following him around the emptiness of his house, and every night a sweet voice whispers ‘daddy’ in his hairy ear as he lays in his wide, white bed chasing after the sleep that won’t come. But tonight. Tonight when the veil is thin. Tonight he gets the comeuppance that is so far overdue. Tonight you let him fall asleep and wait at the side of his bed until the clock strikes midnight. Then you awaken him with your claws in his face, and when his eyes fly open you howl your pain and sorrow to the full moon that floats in the sky like a blue ship. “Daddy. Daddy,” you cry as you take his big body in your insubstantial arms and bend your mouth to his brown throat. His screams are your reward for a life cut short and an agonising death. His screams and the way his sanity dribbles out of his ears and runs away. “Happy Halloween you murdering bastard…”
Classic songs for the festive season, cheerfully and irreverently reimagined for you by the Working Title Blog…
(To be sung brightly and gleefully to the tune of ‘Deck the Halls‘)
Buy the stuff with shiny plastic Fa, la, la, la, la, la la, la la Glad your credit is elastic Fa, la, la, la, la, la la, la la Shop Black Friday Come and buy day Fa, la, la, Fa, la, la, la la la Call the bank On crawl and cry day Fa, la, la, la, la, la la, la la
Working Title Blogspot 