A wise matron’s advice and guidance on how to survive the five day season of Saturnalia with domestic joy and harmony…

A Drunken Spouse

At least once during the ‘festivities’ your new husband is going to get as drunk as a sailor. With only average luck he will fall into a coma before reaching the marital bed and will lay in a corner somewhere twitching.

The law of averages dictates that he will only vomit if he actually makes it to bed. If you have any sense at all you will of course have decamped to the couch. Vomit in the hair is deeply unpleasant.

When he awakes, feeling a little the worse for his potations Do Not Shout. Instead smile tenderly and hand him a cup of spiced tea – liberally laced with the laxative of your choice.

Built upon an asteroid, these mighty habitation towers are the final stronghold of humanity in a star system ravaged by a long-ago war. Now, centuries after the apocalyptic conflict, the city thrives — a utopia for the rich who live at the top, built on the labours of the poor stuck below…

After, Joah was running over the edits in her own work booth, boxed off from the main floor of the studio by a low partition and a wilting miniature tree. A tap of approaching expensive footwear made her look up in time to see a grim-faced Heila bearing down on her.
“I am close to quitting,” Heila snarled.
Joah tried not to smile, as that was the usual opener to every one of their conversations for the last three years. Instead she looked past Heila to the work board on the wall behind her, where a small flock of tiny, folded paper birds were pinned in one corner. Each one had been put there by Zarshay in the time before they had got together.
“Tell me about it, darling,” she said soothingly, hoping her own acting skills were good enough to carry off a sympathetic expression, but knowing they were not. Her preference was never to work with real actors, except for Zarshay, of course. But the audience liked to have someone they could relate to in key roles and that meant some of the cast in Starways Pathfinders had to be real, flesh-and-blood people. Joah kept it to a minimum — leading female and male and Zarshay.
“Did you see the audience feedback for the last episode you put out?” Heila had a slight pout, as fake as the bright blue of her eyes. “Hengast was out-polling me for over half of what we had in shared screen time. My fans are missing my trademark simpering snark — you have to set that romantic electricity back in the plot.” She finished on a note of appeal and was so close to fluttering her eyelashes that Joah found herself pulling away.
“Yes, I saw that — and I saw which demographic had that reaction. The G-fours through D-sevens. Female, settled, good incomes, children, the broad average levels.”
“My people,” Heila purred.
“Your people when I rescued you from that benighted daily medical melodrama, yes. But not our core audience for SP. That is” —she lifted one hand and counted off on her fingers— “male, single, aspirational, levels top to twenty and anyone who can pirate a copy in the Below.” She held up her fist of folded fingers and punched the air gently with it. “And those guys identify with Dog and lust after you and Zarshay. That is why we have the romance breaking for now. That same audience reaction feedback was telling us they were getting switched off by you and him being too much of an item.”
The hard flash of anger in Heila’s face vanished as soon as it appeared, disguised beneath another pout.
“So, you are going to let Dog do kissy faces with your Zarshay? I can’t see that working for you or her, darling.”
Or him, Joah added silently. But out loud she said, “You can check the advanced scripts if you want to see what we are doing. Now if you’ll forgive me — darling — I have to finish this edit and start working on setting up for tomorrow.”
If it were possible for Heila’s lovely face to look ugly, it would have happened then. But the snarl had more of kitten than monster, though the emotion behind it had to be as intense.
“You can’t treat me like some fresh-from-nowhere face, Meer. I have a solid fanbase and I have a right to say what goes. And if you don’t give me back my romance, I will ruin your little space show.”
Joah said nothing and suppressed a sigh. This was her biannual treat and she had learned to live with it. Seeing no response, Heila flared her nostrils and flounced from the booth. A few moments later the heavy door of the studio slammed shut and a sort of peace descended. For a few moments Joah kept looking at the tiny paper birds in flight across the board. The sight made her smile, and she was still smiling when she turned her attention back to work.

Star Dust by E.M. Swift-Hook, originally appeared in The Last City, a shared-universe anthology. This version is the ‘Author’s Cut’ and differs, very slightly, from that original. Next week – Episode 0011.

The frost was so crisp this morning beneath my booted feet
The logs we’d cut were by the barn and stacked up kind of neat
It’s Christmas in a week or so and weather’s getting cold
I used to not mind quite so much but now I’m getting old.

The warm familiar baking smells flow through the room anew
A fire crackles in the hearth as sunset bids adieu
I always love this time of year, the cosy feel within
And watching through the window for the snowfall to begin.

E.M. Swift-Hook

From In Verse – a collection of poems by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook

Oh what can ail thee little pig
All pink and shivering
When lockdown’s coming on the land
A fearsome thing

Oh what can ail thee little pig
A’singing a sad tune
When night has fallen on the wood
But there’s no moon

I see a nightcap on your head
And bedsocks on your toes
And yet you stand beneath the moon
And wrinkle your small nose

I had a dream that woke my eyes
About a fairy child
And out I came to look for him
But he was wild

I thought to walk with him a while
And hear his eldritch song
But when I came out to the night
I found him gone

Oh come within now little pig
Don’t hesitate at all
Come home now lest the merciless elf
Thee take in thrall

©️Jane Jago 2020

The Dai and Julia Mysteries have a Saturnalia surprise for you this year and we are counting down to it by offering a free novella every day from now until Saturnalia begins on 17 December. Saturnalia Optima!

In a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

Ante Diem Septimum Idus September MDCCLXXVIII Anno Diocletiani

The body lay sprawled on the cold, mosaic floor of the Basilica Viriconia. Dai found irreverent and irrelevant thoughts going through his mind about how having a murder scene so close to the Vigiles House was so convenient and considerate of the killer. He recognised them for what they were. An instinctive protection against the horror.
And horror this was.
The headless corpse had been carefully arranged so its posture fitted to the Caput Deum, the head of the Divine Diocletian, picked out on the floor there as it was in every official building in the Empire. Haloed in tiny golden tiles, it replaced in two dimensions the murder victims own head. The body was naked, male, and the only obvious identifying mark was the silver ring of Citizenship. Whoever this was they were most-likely Romano-British.
“Same M.O. as the last one,” Senior Investigator Bryn Catrivel observed. “This is getting sick and creepy, Bard.”  
His familiar tone and form of address drew an odd look from the other man present, Sextus Catus Bestia who had recently taken up the role of Magistratus for Demetae and Cornovii. Recently enough, Dai knew that he had yet to realise Bryn and Dai were long time friends and work partners. That they had served together in the Vigiles in Londinium for eight years before Dai was appointed to be Submagistratus based here in Viriconium.
Dai looked around the broad expanse of the civic building’s portico and noticed the dead-eyed cameras.
“They even found a way to take the surveillance offline, I’m guessing.”
The Magistratus cleared his throat. His long face looking distinctly sallow beneath the carefully trimmed black hair. He lifted one hand, palm forward, the heavy gold patrician ring of Citizenship very obvious on his index finger.
“Um. I’m terribly afraid that might be my fault. I was testing it late yesterday afternoon and I told the disadattatus I would restore it to normal mode as it was the end of his working day, but I must have forgotten and I suppose it stayed down overnight. Mea culpa. Isn’t there a night watchman of some sort?”
“Used to be, dominus,” Bryn said heavily. “Until Aprilis. That was when the last man retired and as the automatic surveillance had been upgraded it wasn’t felt necessary to replace him.”
“Oh dear. That is not good, not good at all.” The Magistratus looked profoundly unhappy and shook his head. “The poor, poor man.”
Dai was wondering whether the ‘poor man’ in question was the retiring watchman, the disadattatus or the deceased when he caught the look Bryn sent him.
“Dominus, we should allow SI Cartivel to continue this murder investigation. As long as we are here it is getting in the way of what he needs to do.”
“Oh. Yes. Of course.” He started walking towards his office and Dai walked with him leaving Bryn giving clipped and efficient orders to his team. “Two Roman Citizens killed in this bizarre way.” He frowned heavily. “Wasn’t there some extreme Anti-Roman group operating in this area recently?”
“Yes, dominus. We had an unpleasant encounter with such a group last year. But they were dealt with conclusively.”
“Such evil can grow deep roots and spring up like mushrooms. But if you are certain, Llewellyn…” He trailed off as another thought clearly distracted him. “Considering how this is going I think I should take over the investigation myself.”
Dai felt his guts tighten. The new Magistratus had been in Viriconium for less than three weeks and in that time the impression he had made was not one to inspire any confidence in his ability to lead an investigation.
“Might I suggest, dominus that as you are still settling in and are not fully acquainted with the local circumstances, it might be better to let me do so.”
The Magistratus stopped on the spot.
“Well isn’t that the point? How am I ever going to get to know how things are here if I don’t jump in and get my hands dirty? Oh, don’t worry. I won’t be breathing down the neck of the local Vigiles – I’m sure they know what they need to do, I’ll just be overseeing not interfering. This is the kind of thing that can echo all the way to Augusta Trevorum and even Rome, you know. I just want to keep across it so if there is any come back I am the one who gets to do the testudu and your Vigiles won’t have to worry about taking any flak.”
Dai stifled the urge to snap that the Vigiles wouldn’t need any protecting if they were just left to do their job, but clearly the Magistratus meant well and was trying to show care and consideration for his subordinates.
The Magistratus placed a heavy hand on Dai’s shoulder.
“I know I have a very large set of sandals to fill to be able to measure up to Magistratus Ambrosius, but I want my people to know I have their backs. So I’ll have my primus secretarius – what’s his name again? Turtle? Turnbull? Terfel. That’s it – arrange for SI Cartivel to brief me twice daily and on any key developments. I can provide any support and resources as the investigation might require.” He nodded as if well satisfied by his own solution to the issue then smiled encouragingly at Dai. “It’ll be for the best.”

You can keep reading Dying on the Mosaics by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago for free if you download it today 11 December

A wise matron’s advice and guidance on how to survive the five day season of Saturnalia with domestic joy and harmony…

Flirtatious Behaviour 

A family Saturnalia is not the time for copping off with your husband’s sexier brother. No matter what the temptation. People will notice.

Unfortunately this is one of those times of the year when sauce for the goose is definitely not sauce for the gander, and your spouse will rather expect to lessen the boredom of the occasion by getting stroppy drunk and pursuing your prettiest teenage cousin with evil intent.

Do not attempt to distract him. 

Ugly scenes will ensue.

Just have a word with her in advance. A nice present always helps.

She’ll get the message and lead him a merry dance without ever coming within touching distance.

Saturnalia saved and a valuable lesson about what assholes men are for your teenage cousin….

Sorted. 

The Dai and Julia Mysteries have a Saturnalia surprise for you this year and we are counting down to it by offering a free novella every day from now until Saturnalia begins on 17 December. Saturnalia Optima!

In a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

Pridie Nonas Maia MDCCLXXVIII Anno Diocletiani

Julia Llewellyn was at that stage of her pregnancy where she couldn’t imagine why she ever thought having a baby was a good idea. She was used to having a lithe, boyish body, that ran and jumped with ease and delight, but currently she was close to the shape of an egg and prone to sudden bouts of indigestion and cramp in her limbs. The thought of nearly three more weeks of this with the intense summer heat, was almost too much to bear. So it was with some relief that she sat in the shade in the secluded walled garden where Cookie grew her herbs and found she felt neither sick nor uncomfortable. It couldn’t last, but for as long as it did she was content to raise her face to the sun and daydream a little.
The world, she thought wryly, was rapidly turning upside down. Not only had she and her beloved husband Dai managed to get through the best part of a month without her wanting to throw something at his handsome head, but his sister, Cariad, who she had always thought of as little better than a wharfside strumpet had come home after a break to recover from a very traumatic experience and seemed to have turned over a new leaf.  She appeared to be really trying to appreciate having a good kind husband and two beautiful children. Julia still nursed doubts about the durability of this sea change, but hoped for everyone’s sake it was going to last.
For her own part, Cariad’s children, Felix and Cassia were a big reason she held on to any hope that being pregnant was worth the undoubted discomfort. The duo was one of the delights of her life.
Currently, Felix was out in the hills with his father and his uncle Dai, mounted on one of the sturdy local ponies Dai’s brother Hywel bred as a hobby. Ostensibly Felix was having riding lessons. It would have been rather more honest to say that he was having a whale of a time away from the constraints of being the only son of a very important man.
Julia idly wondered what Cariad and Cassia were up to, and it seemed to her that her fancy had conjured them to her side, because she heard Cariad calling her name urgently then Cassia’s voice sounding uneasy.
“Mam, I think Aunt Julia is asleep. Do you?”
“I don’t know, carissima. But if she is we really must wake her up.” Cariad’s musical voice was not entirely steady. Concerned now, Julia opened her eyes and sat up.
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
She had a sudden private dread that the beauty of the family must have got herself into more man trouble, and braced herself to refuse if she was to be asked to cover up an indiscretion. To her surprise, Cariad’s face was pale with anxiety and her Llewellyn blue eyes were swimming in tears.
It was Cassia who spoke. “We were feeding the ducks on the pond past the fruit trees. Mam got a message on her wrist phone from a man who is playing a game. He said he has stolen Pater and Felix and Uncle Dai. I don’t think that’s a nice game to play. Mam said we should tell you so we came straight here.”
It took a second or two for the meaning of the words to sink in and when they did her own heart tumbled in freefall with fear for Dai. Then something shifted deep in her psyche. It was cold and hard, cutting off the emotion, like a stone door slamming shut. Sleepiness banished, Julia went from somnolence to action in a single breath. She heaved herself to her feet and grasped Cariad’s cold hand.
“Come on,” she said gently, “pull yourself together and let’s see what is to be done.”
Cariad made what had to be a superhuman effort, then forced a smile. “Yes. Silly of me. It’s bound to be a mistake.”
Cassia looked at her with tolerant patience. “I was playing with Mam’s wrist phone when the message came in. I saved it for you.”
She handed over the expensive brand phone and Julia pulled up the menu on it’s curved screen and pressed the play button. The face that looked back at her was mostly covered by the dark fabric of a ski-mask except for a pair of dark eyes.
“We got your man and your son and your brother. You do as you are told and they comes to no harm. Mess us about and we’ll send you your son in pieces. Starting with his fingers.”

You can keep reading Dying to be Fathers by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago for free if you download it today 10 December

A wise matron’s advice and guidance on how to survive the five day season of Saturnalia with domestic joy and harmony…

The Big Question

At sometime during the ‘festivities’ at least one of his appalling female relatives will drag you into a corner and ask, with very little attempt at subtlety, when his family can expect to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet.

The world at this point is your lobster. You can delicately suggest the he is incapable. Or allude to a depressed sperm count. Or explain that he doesn’t want children yet. Or look offended and stalk away. Or….

There is only one thing You Must Not Say. Don’t admit to being pregnant-even if you are – they will follow you around all day/week/month mouthing old wives tales and monitoring your alcohol intake. You will become homicidal and Saturnalia is such a bad time to be killing relatives – no matter how much they deserve it.

The Dai and Julia Mysteries have a Saturnalia surprise for you this year and we are counting down to it by offering a free novella every day from now until Saturnalia begins on 17 December. Saturnalia Optima!

In a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

Turning out for a dawn raid was one of the aspects of his old job as a vigiles investigator in Londinium that Dai Llewellyn had imagined would not be featuring in the elevated role he now held as Submagistratus for Demetae and Cornovii based in Viriconium. He would have been quite happy to leave it in the capable hands of his Senior Investigator, Bryn Cartivel and the small group of grim faced Praetorians on temporary secondment, under their decanus, Brutus Gaius Gallus. But orders were orders and these came from Rome.
The Magistratus had been regretful about it.
“I know you don’t want to go careering over the countryside at the moment, but this is something a bit more important than just a theft. It’s part of an Empire wide operation against a major criminal organisation and I need you there as my eyes and ears.”
It didn’t help that the Magistratus, Lucius Ambrosius Caudinus, was also Dai’s brother-in-law, thus making any excuses to get out of the duty pretty much impossible. Normally he would not have minded, but then normally he was not distracted by worry about his wife.
Notwithstanding his reluctance, after a few days of preparation he was sitting in an all-wheel somewhere along a dirt track that led to an isolated villa halfway up a mountain, sipping thermos-tea from a paper cup, whilst out in the dark and the cold his vigiles and the praetorians surrounded the building. Dai knew he was going to miss the extra security that Gallus and his men provided on operations like this. They were well armed, elite troops. His vigiles were non-citizens to a woman and man which meant they were forbidden by law to bear arms and when the praetorian detachment returned to Londinium after its six-month secondment at the end of the month, Dai would be faced with having to request armed support of a much less reliable nature.
The door opened, letting in an icy blast and Bryn stood by the vehicle, greying hair tied back and half-hidden under a knitted hat, breath condensing in the dim light. He held a satphone in one hand.
“Everyone’s in place. Just need your word to go in, Bard.”
Dai reached over and tipped the remains of his tea out of the door, onto the frozen gravel.
“Then let’s go wake Vibius up.”

You can keep reading Dying for a Vacation by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago for free if you download it today 9 December.

A wise matron’s advice and guidance on how to survive the five day season of Saturnalia with domestic joy and harmony…

The Saturnalia Candle 

At least one of hubby’s little chums will think it the height of wit and sophistication to procure for your household a Saturnalia candle in the shape of an erect phallus.

This candle will be anatomically correct in every detail. Save one. It will be at least three times the size of anything you would ever encounter in real life.

To deal…

Clap your hands over your mouth in pretended shock and point to a place of honour on a side table. Where Pontius will place it carefully – so proud of his understanding little wife.

When they have all buggered off to The Game, fetch your electric hair dryer.

A warm breeze strategically aimed will soon induce the thing to curve in such a manner as to suggest erectile disfunction.

Never mention it…