A wise matron’s advice and guidance on how to survive the five day season of Saturnalia with domestic joy and harmony…

Saturnalia Supper

Tempting though it may be to show off your cosmopolitanism and the dexterity of your cook, this is not the occasion for fancy. What needs to be available is a groaning buffet of carbohydrates to mop up the industrial quantities of mead/ale/punch your guests will ingest.

Put away the best Samian Ware plates and dishes and get something disposable. 

And please do close your eyes when mother in law falls face first in the salad with one boob falling out or that image will be burned onto your retinas for the rest of your life.

The Dai and Julia Mysteries have a Saturnalia surprise for you this year and we are counting down to it by offering a free novella every day from now until Saturnalia begins on 17 December. Saturnalia Optima!

In a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

Dai waited until the two women had taken the last seats and Edbert moved to lean against the wall behind Julia. Then he lifted a hand to quiet the low murmurs of conversation and spoke into the ensuing silence.
“My friends, family, fellow Citizens and fellow Britons, we are gathered here today to plot the downfall of Magistratus Sextus Catus Bestia.”
A collective tension seemed to seep through the room. It was as if by naming the evil they had come to fight he had in some way upped the ante. Dai paused, both to allow his words to settle and to allow the chance for anyone to protest or respond. But there was a solid, supportive silence and those faces which had looked relaxed a few moments before seemed to grow more cold and stern. No one here was taking this lightly. They all had too much at stake.
“I thank you all for coming here today and taking time from the celebration to meet. I know I don’t need to do any introductions, there may be a couple of faces unfamiliar to you but we don’t have much time and I doubt we will be able to meet like this again – all in one place. We also can’t use regular channels.” He tapped his new wristphone. “Given the authority he wields, Bestia can have any or all of us monitored. SI Gaius has an idea to set up secure lines of communication and will tell us about those later. For now, it’s enough to know that we will all be able to keep in touch and to be aware that we mustn’t communicate anything outside this room any other way.”
He stopped talking and looked around at the sixteen other people in the room, for a moment, remembering too vividly the place challenging Bestia’s power had left him. An underground prison cell with its bleak despair and hopeless doom. He could not allow anyone else here to wind up in that place.
“But first I need to be sure everyone understands the stakes here. This is not a game where if we lose we get a screen turning black and a ‘play again’ button. If we mess this up it’s game over for good, for all of us, because don’t doubt for a moment we’d be made to betray each other.”
 Enya looked as if she was about to deny that, but Dai could see the moment she noticed even the hard faces of Decimus and Gallus, both veterans of Praetorian battlefields, were not disagreeing with him.
“We know this,” Aoife said, sounding impatient. “So let’s get to what we don’t know.”
Dai nodded to acknowledge both her words and her right to say them.
“I just wanted to give everyone the chance to walk away from this and not get involved any deeper,” he explained, which provoked a throaty laugh from Lavinia
“I don’t think we could really be in any less deep than having agreed to be here in the first place. I can tell you don’t read much crime fiction. Remind me to gift you my back catalogue.”
Dai managed a weak smile.
“Um. Thank you.” He could see the meeting beginning to slip away from him already. “So, if no one wants to leave…?”
No one moved. Dai had not really expected anyone would, but he still experienced a relaxing of muscles he hadn’t realised he’d been holding tense.
“In brief,” he went on, feeling more confident now, “where as we know Bestia is the man who has been behind the headless murders last autumn, the killing of street women this spring and the attempt to have me condemned for treason last month, we have no hard evidence to back up our knowledge. What we now need to do is find solid proof that he did these things. And much as I would like to tie him to all three crimes as all those affected are equally deserving of justice, we have to keep in mind that we only need incontrovertible proof that he was responsible for one in order to have him arrested and condemned and thus stop him doing more and probably worse.”
It was not a thought he liked and he could see a few faces become a shade grimmer as people reflected on how they would feel if their own need for justice wasn’t met. Surprisingly, it was someone he thought would be the most urgent in their need for personal retribution who spoke up.
“What matters most is stopping this man,” Agrippina Julius said, her voice firm. “If that means SI Calvus or others have to take their justice at second hand then so be it.”
There were nods of assent from around the room, even if some such as Brangwen Broanan were more reluctant than others and Dai felt another lurch of relief. This was, as yet, an untried alliance and he knew it was down to him to somehow weave it together into a strong rope with which to hang Bestia.

You can keep reading Dying to Find Proof by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago for free if you download it today 16 December

A wise matron’s advice and guidance on how to survive the five day season of Saturnalia with domestic joy and harmony…

The Seating Plan

Sadly it is not in order for the hostess to share a lectus with her husband’s devilishly handsome cousin – you have to cozy up to an elderly senator who smells of camphor.

So what do you do with Claudius the handsome cad?

You have him share with your spinster aunt. The one with the moustache. She’ll be thrilled and we don’t really care what he thinks do we…

The Dai and Julia Mysteries have a Saturnalia surprise for you this year and we are counting down to it by offering a free novella every day from now until Saturnalia begins on 17 December. Saturnalia Optima!

In a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

Idibus Augustus MDCCLXXIX Anno Diocletiani

Julia Llewellyn was on her way home from the Asclepieion on Ynys Mon at last. She had been there, or thereabouts, for most of the last two months and hard as it was, she pushed down the turmoil of emotions which revolved in her stomach every time she thought about that and focused hard on the future.
 Firstly, she had endured a very difficult pregnancy from mid-term on, requiring extensive bedrest and the inevitable boredom and frustration that had meant. Despite all that, her son, Rhodri, had still been born six weeks early needing to be hailed off to an incubator. Then he was discovered to have a hole in his diaphragm requiring immediate surgery. Several sleepless nights followed with herself and her husband keeping watch over his tiny form, before he was declared on the mend. And then Julia had to wait for him to grow big enough to leave his incubator and come home…
She was glad for more than the obvious reasons. Her husband, Dai Llewellyn was a Submagistratus for the region of Demetae and Cornovii and she knew he was keeping something from her, holding back to protect her, as he would think. It was hard to pin him down in his brief visits, once home she was sure she would get to do so.
At last the great day had come and she was seated decorously in the back of a burly all-wheel being piloted by her friend and bodyguard, Edbert. If she had been an expecting sort of a woman, she would have expected Dai to be sitting beside her.  But he was conspicuous by his absence. She sighed a tiny sigh and kissed the downy head that rested on her breast.
“Not his fault.” Edbert’s unfeasibly deep voice broke gently into her reverie.
“What’s not who’s fault?” Julia kept her voice even for fear of waking Rhodri.
Edbert laughed softly. “It’s not Dai’s fault that he isn’t sitting beside you, you cross-grained little person.”
Julia found herself relaxing. “Catch a hot case did he?”
“Nope. Having refused to see or speak to Dai, or either of his Senior Investigators – Bryn or Gallus – for the best part of a month, Magistratus Sextus Catus Bestia called a meeting for this morning. Messaged just before we were setting out to fetch you.” His voice dripped sarcasm. “If I didn’t know better I’d think it was timed to cause maximum inconvenience.”
Julia sighed again. “He is such a petty man. I keep hoping things will improve. But it’s not likely.”
“Isn’t. And his attitude to ‘servants’ is beyond despicable.”
Julia held the baby carefully as she leaned forward and put her hand on his shoulder. 
“Bestia really is a piece of work, isn’t he? But he is just petty and that can’t hurt us.”
“I wouldn’t place any bets on that.”
“Me neither, honestly. But I can’t afford to think like that.”
“No. Nor you can. My bad. How is the little one standing up to the journey?”
“He’s fine. Had his prandium before we set out. Sleeping now. The medica said something to me just before you rolled up that was very comfortable. ‘Rhodri Ddu is a fighter and as tough as they come’. She says not to treat him any different to any other baby now. He’s all healed and a hundred percent fit.” One tear escaped and ran down her cheek, but it was a tear of thankfulness not sorrow. Her precious baby was well and could take his place in the nursery where he and his sister Aelwen would be in the care of the nursery maid Luned, who was as brave as a lioness and as tender as the touch of silk. All things considered, Julia thought today was a good day, even if the pinpricks from Dai’s boss were getting sharper and less disguised. She wondered if they were what was behind her beloved’s withdrawn mood.
The rest of the ride home passed in silence, save for Rhodri’s tiny snore. 
Just before they were due to turn onto the private road to the Villa Papaverus, Edbert stopped the car and screwed around in his seat to look at Julia with deep wisdom in his winter grey eyes. 
“A word of warning. There’s about half a hundred people waiting to greet you. If I was you I’d wait in the all-wheel and hand the little one off to Luned before you get out. What with dogs and in-laws, and that madwoman Domina Lavinia, it would be easy for you to take a tumble. Luned and me put our heads together and she has found a big old high-wheel baby carriage so everybody can see young Rhodri without crowding.”
For a moment, Julia didn’t know what to say and she felt her throat constricting. Edbert smiled and touched her cheek with the back of one huge hand.
“All a bit overwhelming ain’t it?”
“It is. And thank you my friend.” 
“Always got your back small stuff.”
“Always got yours, you big ape.”
With the shoals of emotion successfully navigated Edbert started the engine again.

You can keep reading Dying to be Innocent by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago for free if you download it today 15 December

Glossary of Latin and Other Terms
Please note these are not always accurate translations, they are how these terms are used in Dai and Julia’s world.
Asclepieion – healing spa, hospital
Demetae and Cornovii – Wales and several English Midland counties including Shropshire
Ddu – dark, as in hair and/or skin
Domin-a/us – Ma’am/Sir. Used to superiors both in rank and social status
Magistratus – senior official with legal jurisdiction over an area
Medic-a/us – doctor
Prandium – brunch or lunch
Submagistratus – a more junior official with legal jurisdiction over an area, under the authority of a Magistratus
Villa Papaverus – Poppy House. Dai and Julia’s residence.
Ynys Mon –  or the Isle of Anglesey

A wise matron’s advice and guidance on how to survive the five day season of Saturnalia with domestic joy and harmony…

The Lectus

When sharing a lectus (dining couch) with your husband’s randy old goat of an uncle it is perfectly acceptable to stab him in the hand with the carefully sharpened pin of your favourite star brooch.

However.

If it’s your husband’s boss more subtlety is called for. We have always had good success with chilli oil. Carefully rub a small amount on that which is poking you in the spine….

The Dai and Julia Mysteries have a Saturnalia surprise for you this year and we are counting down to it by offering a free novella every day from now until Saturnalia begins on 17 December. Saturnalia Optima!

In a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

Ante Diem Nonum Kalendas Aprilis MDCCLXXIX Anno Diocletiani

I

The working office of the Magistratus had changed considerably since Sextus Catus Bestia had taken over the role in Demetae and Cornovii six months previously. Dai Llewellyn, Submagistratus for the same area, still fondly recalled the simple and yet tasteful decor the previous incumbent had preferred. Bestia, by contrast, favoured opulence over simplicity and substituted extravagance for good taste. But then, unlike his predecessor who had risen through the administrative ranks, Bestia had transferred into the state sector after enjoying a successful career as a commercial lawyer. Dai assumed that impressing business clients required such an ostentatious display of wealth, but the same sat ill with the kind of civic dignity expected of Bestia’s present role.
Not that the man couldn’t easily afford the expensive artwork lining the walls, the rarewood furniture, the bejewelled and gilded bust of the Divine Diocletian and the elaborate full-length golden-framed painting of himself and his wife of a few weeks. That marriage had surely made him one of the wealthiest men in all of Viriconium.
Which was why this present meeting was beginning to make Dai move from frustration into anger. Bestia was sitting in his throne-like desk chair, hands resting on the carved lions that adorned the arms. The late afternoon sun had painted the window behind him with glowing light, adding to the regal impression. He also looked regally bored, as if he found the whole business of overseeing the administration tedious in the extreme.
“I see no reason to bend the rules just because your Senior Investigator has a gut-instinct about something. Cartivel must be close to retirement age and is probably just dyspeptic.” He smiled as if inviting Dai to share the joke.
“I’m not asking you to bend any rules. I’m asking you to sign-off further resources to investigate properly. I would if I could, but have already authorised this case to the limit of my authority.”
Bestia glanced down at the file on his desk. “Indeed. I see you granted SI Cartivel and his team an entire day in man hours. Time they have used to ascertain little more than that this woman was known to be a lupa and known to be willing to take money from clients who wanted more extreme practices than the usual. But there are no grounds that I can see here for me to extend the investigation any further. It would be a waste of public money.”
“If Malina Tesni was a Roman Citizen…”
For the first time, Bestia sounded annoyed.
“If the woman was a Roman Citizen, she would not have been a common British puta who was paid well by an over-vigorous client.”
“Over-vigorous?” For a moment Dai saw the start of a red haze clouding on the edges of his vision and with a supreme effort of will he fought it down, drawing a deep breath and counting silently.
“Distasteful as it is, there was nothing to suggest she had been abused against her will. She was also found with what I am assured would be a substantial payment for a street woman. No doubt an incentive to allow her client more leeway in his behaviour.”
“She was beaten half to death. The autopsy said she died of those injuries having caused severe internal bruising and swelling.”
“It was not murder. There was clearly no intent to kill or why pay the woman and let her go home? At very best it was an accidental death. No one has denied that she was a prostitute and that is a profession that we all know carries certain occupational hazards.” His expression softened suddenly and his voice shifted to something more like friendly cajoling. “You are a good man, a good Citizen and a good administrator, Llewellyn. I do understand why you feel so strongly about this, but you must let it go. It’s for the best.”
Dai had been sitting but now he shot to his feet.
“Let it go? Dominus, the man who did this is somewhere in Viriconium and he could do the same to another woman.”
Bestia lifted one hand from its lion’s head resting place.
“Stop right there. Firstly, I already said that I completely understand where you are coming from with this. Who could not be appalled at by it? But where is the crime? There is no law against prostitution.” He leaned back and shook his head, looking saddened. “If anything the dead woman is the criminal here. The only prosecutable offense I can see is failure on her part to have purchased a license to practice her trade. And, of course, the subsequent charges of tax evasion that would lead to, especially seeing how well she was being paid.”
Dai struggled to find some way to frame things in terms that could penetrate Bestia’s lawyer logic.
“If she was a Citizen there would be unlimited resources made available to uncover the man who did this whether it was deemed consensual or not. What if the man is local and his next victim is a Citizen?”
Bestia was frowning now.
“You should know better than that, Submagistratus. We can’t run the Vigiles on ‘what ifs’. There is no reason to think the man was local, indeed it is more likely someone passing through, staying the night and wanting some entertainment. And even if he was local, you have already spent public money on investigating something that is not a crime. Instead of asking me for more perhaps you should apologise and be grateful that I’m not going to mention that you did so on any official report.”
The red haze rose and this time Dai could do nothing to stop it. His last conscious act was to turn and start walking towards the door. Better to be rude to his superior than get arrested for attacking him.

You can keep reading Dying on the Streets by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago for free if you download it today 14 December

A wise matron’s advice and guidance on how to survive the five day season of Saturnalia with domestic joy and harmony…

A Drunken Spouse

At least once during the ‘festivities’ your new husband is going to get as drunk as a sailor. With only average luck he will fall into a coma before reaching the marital bed and will lay in a corner somewhere twitching.

The law of averages dictates that he will only vomit if he actually makes it to bed. If you have any sense at all you will of course have decamped to the couch. Vomit in the hair is deeply unpleasant.

When he awakes, feeling a little the worse for his potations Do Not Shout. Instead smile tenderly and hand him a cup of spiced tea – liberally laced with the laxative of your choice.

Built upon an asteroid, these mighty habitation towers are the final stronghold of humanity in a star system ravaged by a long-ago war. Now, centuries after the apocalyptic conflict, the city thrives — a utopia for the rich who live at the top, built on the labours of the poor stuck below…

After, Joah was running over the edits in her own work booth, boxed off from the main floor of the studio by a low partition and a wilting miniature tree. A tap of approaching expensive footwear made her look up in time to see a grim-faced Heila bearing down on her.
“I am close to quitting,” Heila snarled.
Joah tried not to smile, as that was the usual opener to every one of their conversations for the last three years. Instead she looked past Heila to the work board on the wall behind her, where a small flock of tiny, folded paper birds were pinned in one corner. Each one had been put there by Zarshay in the time before they had got together.
“Tell me about it, darling,” she said soothingly, hoping her own acting skills were good enough to carry off a sympathetic expression, but knowing they were not. Her preference was never to work with real actors, except for Zarshay, of course. But the audience liked to have someone they could relate to in key roles and that meant some of the cast in Starways Pathfinders had to be real, flesh-and-blood people. Joah kept it to a minimum — leading female and male and Zarshay.
“Did you see the audience feedback for the last episode you put out?” Heila had a slight pout, as fake as the bright blue of her eyes. “Hengast was out-polling me for over half of what we had in shared screen time. My fans are missing my trademark simpering snark — you have to set that romantic electricity back in the plot.” She finished on a note of appeal and was so close to fluttering her eyelashes that Joah found herself pulling away.
“Yes, I saw that — and I saw which demographic had that reaction. The G-fours through D-sevens. Female, settled, good incomes, children, the broad average levels.”
“My people,” Heila purred.
“Your people when I rescued you from that benighted daily medical melodrama, yes. But not our core audience for SP. That is” —she lifted one hand and counted off on her fingers— “male, single, aspirational, levels top to twenty and anyone who can pirate a copy in the Below.” She held up her fist of folded fingers and punched the air gently with it. “And those guys identify with Dog and lust after you and Zarshay. That is why we have the romance breaking for now. That same audience reaction feedback was telling us they were getting switched off by you and him being too much of an item.”
The hard flash of anger in Heila’s face vanished as soon as it appeared, disguised beneath another pout.
“So, you are going to let Dog do kissy faces with your Zarshay? I can’t see that working for you or her, darling.”
Or him, Joah added silently. But out loud she said, “You can check the advanced scripts if you want to see what we are doing. Now if you’ll forgive me — darling — I have to finish this edit and start working on setting up for tomorrow.”
If it were possible for Heila’s lovely face to look ugly, it would have happened then. But the snarl had more of kitten than monster, though the emotion behind it had to be as intense.
“You can’t treat me like some fresh-from-nowhere face, Meer. I have a solid fanbase and I have a right to say what goes. And if you don’t give me back my romance, I will ruin your little space show.”
Joah said nothing and suppressed a sigh. This was her biannual treat and she had learned to live with it. Seeing no response, Heila flared her nostrils and flounced from the booth. A few moments later the heavy door of the studio slammed shut and a sort of peace descended. For a few moments Joah kept looking at the tiny paper birds in flight across the board. The sight made her smile, and she was still smiling when she turned her attention back to work.

Star Dust by E.M. Swift-Hook, originally appeared in The Last City, a shared-universe anthology. This version is the ‘Author’s Cut’ and differs, very slightly, from that original. Next week – Episode 0011.

The frost was so crisp this morning beneath my booted feet
The logs we’d cut were by the barn and stacked up kind of neat
It’s Christmas in a week or so and weather’s getting cold
I used to not mind quite so much but now I’m getting old.

The warm familiar baking smells flow through the room anew
A fire crackles in the hearth as sunset bids adieu
I always love this time of year, the cosy feel within
And watching through the window for the snowfall to begin.

E.M. Swift-Hook

From In Verse – a collection of poems by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook

Oh what can ail thee little pig
All pink and shivering
When lockdown’s coming on the land
A fearsome thing

Oh what can ail thee little pig
A’singing a sad tune
When night has fallen on the wood
But there’s no moon

I see a nightcap on your head
And bedsocks on your toes
And yet you stand beneath the moon
And wrinkle your small nose

I had a dream that woke my eyes
About a fairy child
And out I came to look for him
But he was wild

I thought to walk with him a while
And hear his eldritch song
But when I came out to the night
I found him gone

Oh come within now little pig
Don’t hesitate at all
Come home now lest the merciless elf
Thee take in thrall

©️Jane Jago 2020