It was very quiet in this area of the stacks, so quiet that if you listened carefully enough you could hear the books breathing. This portentous silence was broken by a rhythmic squeak as a trolley loaded with grimoires and magical texts was pushed firmly towards the dark corner wherein such resided.
“It’s no good you being like that,” a determined voice said. “It doesn’t hurt being shelved. It’s not as if any of you are chained. Although if some of you keep misbehaving…”
The rhythmic squeal stopped and the trolley rounded a corner, being pushed by a dumpy girl with a determined looking chin. As it neared the shelves where arcane and magical volumes were shelved the squeal started up again.
“Does somebody want to be shelved on 99b?”
Silence.
The dumpy girl began shelving volumes with practiced efficiency. She handled the books with care and respect, but would brook no resistance nor any other tricks. One of the grimoires snapped its covers at her and she slapped it firmly.
“Start that with me and I’ll chain you.”
If it was possible for a book to look abashed it did so, coming quietly to hand to be slipped into its accustomed place.
Once the grimoires were tidily placed in their proper positions, the Night Librarian closed the steel doors around their stack and locked them with a hugely ornate key.
On her way back to the centre desk, she paused briefly at travel and pointed an imperious finger. There was a bit of scrabbling as the books reshelved themselves in their proper order, followed by an embarrassed silence.
“Papua New Guinea, since when have you lived between Jersey and Guernsey?”
A dog eared volume leapt from a shelf and scuttled off. The girl regarded the now tidy stack for a moment before permitting herself a small smile.
“Better.”
She turned on her heel pushing the now empty trolley to the store room where it would be filled by the day staff who were far too busy to ever shelve books.

To keep reading grab your copy of The Night Librarian by Jane Jago which is out today.

Cover by Ian Bristow of Bristow Design.

He
Always thought
What to wear
And how
His hair
looked.

She
Never brought
Any care
To how
she might
look.

He
spent long days
perfecting
By the
mirrors
gaze.

She
went her way
reflecting
on his
empty
daze.

E.M. Swift-Hook

Yes, it’s me, Jacintha Farquar, the unfortunate mother of the abominable Moons – that’s Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV to officialdom and ‘IVy’ to those fools who think him capable of stepping out of his self-centered and self-satisfied little world long enough to offer them some tenuous parody of friendship.
Well as always I have to go around behind him like the proverbial pooper-scooper cleaning up the mess he makes and, specifically, I have been asked to contribute to this blog to try and remedy some of the dreadful drivel he spewed here in the past about how to write.
He has no fucking clue – seriously!
Go read his book if you don’t believe me, no not that god-awful supposed sci-fi thing ‘Fatswhistle and Bucktooth’, I mean the laughably titled How to Start Writing a Book . I did my best to try with that too, but you’ll see if you take a look at it.
Anyway, back to the task in hand and one thing I see many of you writers struggling with is people having social intercourse. No, get your minds out of the gutter the lot of you! That means conversation, discussion, argument – communication between people.

Life Lessons for Writers – Eight: Social Intercourse

In the world of writing you don’t call it that of course, probably because the schoolboy giggles would get the better of you and then you’d not write a bloody word for the next week. You lot call it ‘dialogue’.
Do I really need to take you back to school, sit you down and explain simple things like where to put commas in dialogue and the difference between a speech/dialogue tag and an action tag? I hope not, but if you need that then stop trying to pretend you are writing a book and go and look them up so you have the faintest notion of what I’m on about.
Let’s assume you are over the baby gate and romping along at least at school pupil level here.

First thing to remember is to avoid ‘talking head’ syndrome when the reader has no idea of where/how the conversation is taking place. Begin by setting the scene, tell us where the chat is happening and who is present:

Mary and Tom sat down for dinner at their dining room table with their daughter Ella and her new boyfriend Paul.

Next important point ‘said’ is good. Consider:

“This tastes lovely,” Tom exclaimed.
“Thank you, dear,” murmured Mary.
Ella tapped her plate with her fork. “Well done, Mum,” she cheered.
“What is in the pie?” Paul wondered.

You get the point. Of course you wouldn’t just put in ‘said’ for all those which brings us to the third point, use action to indicate who is talking where you can:

Tom smiled across at his wife. “This tastes lovely.”.
“Thank you, dear.” Mary blushed, she had been working on the meal all day in honour of this special occasion.
Tapping her plate with her fork, Ella drew everyone’s attention. “Well done, Mum.” She lifted her glass in a toast.
But Paul didn’t seem to notice, he was poking at the food on his plate. “What is in the pie?”

Hardly brilliant prose, but you can see how it brings the conversation to life.

Next point, try to keep your conversation appearing real. Now that means you leave out all the repetitions and ‘um-ing’ and ‘er-ing’ that we all do in natural speech, but it also means you don’t have your characters declaiming speeches full of posh words at each other either. If you have a character who does that they will seem like a pompous twat to your reader!

Oh yes, one more thing. Don’t do this, it drives me bloody potty, like scraping a fork over a plate:

After the happy couple had left Mary and Tom cuddled up together on the sofa.
“Oh Tom, do you think they will be as happy as we are?”
“I’m sure they will, Mary, they seem made for each other.”
Mary sighed and looked thoughtful.
“Well, Tom, I am not so sure of that as you seem to be.”
“What do you mean, Mary?”

People do not use each other’s names all the time in conversation when it is obvious who they are talking to.  Do. Not. Do. It.

Alright, that’s your bloody lot. I’m not paid by the word for this you know, so bugger off the lot of you and let me get back to Netflix and pernod – one of my favourite cocktails…

Noodle stood scratching his head.
“Sup Noodle.”
Scrappy peered shortsightedly at his chum.
Noodle pointed excitedly.
“Look there.”
“Look where?”
Noodle ran across the lawn, dragging Scrappy behind him. He stopped beside a molehill.
“Look. Wassat?
He pointed a shaking finger at something glinting in the earth.
Scrappy’s pointed nose stopped a scant inch from the shining. He grinned.
“Whatjer fink it is Noods?”
“Is it a trapped star?”
Bertha appeared like magic.
“No it ain’t. It’s the gagement ring Missus Bigger lost last summer. You dig it up and put it on the patio. She’ll be pleased.”
Noodle dug.

©️jj 2021

I am breeder number thirteen. In the last ten years I have given birth to seven children. I have never been permitted to see any of them, although I was lucky enough to hear each one cry as it was carried away to the nurseries. I know my babies must be healthy, because I am still here. Those who cannot bear viable infants do not stay. We do not know where they go.
Of the original twenty breeders brought to this place, only I and number eight remain. There have been many others. Some have stayed. Some have gone. Some have died. We currently number eleven. I am the only one who can read and write fluently. Those who raised me until I was brought here had me taught. At that time it was not forbidden.
I count myself lucky. I was raised by foster carers outside this place, and, although I have never been loved, I was raised carefully. Some others are not so fortunate. They have been wrenched from their families because they are fertile. They have had names. They have had mothers and fathers. They have known what it is to be loved. I pity them.
The keepers are not unkind, but we are little more than vessels to them. They consider our physical health carefully; as our only function is to provide the children the rich and powerful cannot make for themselves. Our mental health is less of a consideration, but as long as we perform regularly, and without complaining, they have no reason to make us miserable. Indeed, when it was discovered that I am literate, I was given books, and writing supplies, on condition that I made no attempt to teach anyone else these skills. I am too thankful for the solace to be found in reading to defy this prohibition. I also have my herb garden from whose produce I make simple remedies for female ailments. This is encouraged by our keepers.
For as long as I have conscious memory I have presented the world with a face of mild compliance. It is the hardest thing of all to do, especially when you burn inside. But it has kept me alive. Most of the other women in this place think me odd in the extreme, as I keep myself busy all day; they prefer to spend their days eating sweetmeats and their nights pleasuring each other. All the time, they speculate about the men who come to leave their seed in this place. This speculation is as bad for the mind as sexualised idleness and too much sweet food are for the body. If girls grow fat, keepers will restrict their access to foods, and drive them to the gymnasium for exercise, but if the minds of the same girls are clouded with foolish dreams about the fathers of their babies who is to care?
I have one friend; she is breeder number eight, the other survivor of the original intake of twenty girls. Mostly, number eight and I keep to our own company, although of late we have been joined by number sixty-two, a small, pale girl who had a hard time birthing twins, and seems to find our company a solace.
In order to retain our sanity, we decided long ago never to think about the men whose seed we incubate. We also try not to think about the babies.  Putting men out of our minds is easy, as we never see one. The seed is brought to us by the midwives, who implant it in our wombs with painful devices. And if there should be a difficult birth requiring the aid of a doctor, the doctor’s face is hidden. I have my babes easily, as does number eight, so I have never been even that close to a male person. The truth of the matter is that as far as memory serves me, I have never actually seen a man. The only time I can even remember having heard male voices is when we are gathered together and forced witness extreme punishment being meted out by the masked minions of the Enforcer.
Not thinking about the babies you have borne is more difficult, and I think all breeders have many wakeful nights wondering where our children are, and hoping they are loved. My friend and I never speak of it.
Eight and I take as much healthful exercise as we are allowed. We like best to run in the gardens, although this is not always possible. When we must stay inside, we run on the mechanical roads, and practice the hand-to-hand combat we learned from our friend, number two. She was an exquisite oriental girl who taught us the beautiful dance that is called Tai Kwon Do. She also taught us to balance our minds, and tricks to enable us to always present a calm exterior. When she went away, we were sad, but hid it in the ways she had taught us.
In the evenings, or when we are heavy with child, I read out loud and number eight makes exquisite embroideries. It is not such a bad life; at least we have companionship.

The opening of The Barefoot Runners by Jane Jago. You can listen to this on YouTube.

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

You are old, and you should be depleted
Modern techno should have you defeated
But you bought an iPhone
Never leave it alone
And I’m shocked by the filth that you tweeted

© jane jago

There were two other men in the hot bath, lazily reclined and talking in low voices. They were both, Dai could not fail to notice, wearing heavy Patrician rings so even when naked they were still marked out as superior beings, paunches and all.

“It is incredible who they allow in here nowadays,” one said, his eyes flicking contemptuously over Dai. “Shouldn’t be allowed.”

“I didn’t think natives were allowed in these baths – never seen one before, anyway,” his companion agreed. “I’ll have a word with the curator, we can get it removed.”

Dai was grateful the heat had already made his skin very flushed or his reaction to their words might have been visible, as it was he decided it was not worth creating an issue that might fall back on Julia to deal with as she was the one who had signed him in as her guest. That was the only way any non-Roman would be allowed in a public premises deemed ‘sub aquila’ – where you had to walk under the eagle on the portico to get inside, and it meant she was personally responsible for his behaviour. So, instead, he curtailed his bathing and pulled himself out of the pool on the far side to from where the Romans lounged.

He had to walk past them to leave the pool room and as he did so, one made a crude gesture with one finger, his patrician’s ring glinting gold. Dai froze mid-stride and turned back, fists balling as he did so.

“At least,” he said tightly, “I have a real dick and not just a picture of one on a ring.”

The water beside him erupted and he decided not to wait whilst the two heaved themselves from the water like bull seals onto a rock.

From Dying to be Roman one of the novellas in ‘The First Dai and Julia Omnibus‘ by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook

He hung the naked Adonis in his study, but was displeased to notice that the room began to grow dusty.
“The cleaner won’t go in there. It’s the naked willy.”
“Couldn’t you?”
“No.”
“What about if I cover the painting?”
“We can try it.”
This worked perfectly well, until the regular cleaner went on holiday. The temp was cleaning the study and her screams could be heard above even the roar of the vacuum cleaner.
People ran from every direction to find the woman rigid with shock. You don’t expect a picture to be masturbating because it thinks itself unobserved.

©️jj 2021

The reunion gathering in the The Red Dragon was subdued.
It didn’t help that a travelling bard was singing of the Nine who saved the Kingdom. The story in the song was a pretty enough confection, Hepsie thought, but most all lies. And it was a reminder that the last time they had set out as companionship of nine and returned as seven and now just four of them sat around the table.
Hepsie had a lot on her mind but she could see that even the usually irrepressible Stref took the news about Raya like a blow to the gut. At least it stopped him from squabbling with Linis for once as they always used to. Or maybe it was deeper than the one event, maybe he had grown up some. Linis certainly had. The poise and calm were the same, but the sophistication, elegance and self-command spoke to something new. When the conversation turned to their next step and the long journey to the mountains she simply lifted a hand to silence everyone.
“I don’t see why we need to make this into a grand trek. There are other ways to get there.”
Poll looked thoughtful. “Aye. There is for sure. We could use the Guild of Fartravellers. But they would ask more than all I own for the price of the spell.”
Which was true. Fartravel was expensive and for a reason. Only the Guild knew the spell and word was that it took so much from the caster they would need days in bed after to recover.
“That might be so, but I have the price of it. How do you think I came to Durmouth so quickly when Raya sent word to me?”
“We couldn’t ask…” Poll began to protest.
“No. This is the same as before. We all bring to this our strengths. That I have the gold is no more to the point than that I have my bow.”
“Before, we all had nothing except our skill, our muscles and our wits.”
“We were young then, Poll,” Linis said gently. “Now we have other resources. A lifetime of them. Just as we used the strengths of our youth before, now – if we are to succeed – we must use all the strengths of our age and experience.”
So it was settled and the next day they gathered in the Travel Court of the Guild. It looked like any other courtyard Hepsie had ever been in, cobbles, and stone walls. Except that there was only one wide gate and the high stone walls were featureless aside for plaques on which were carved sigils. She recognised one or two and wondered what they might have to do with travel at all. Or maybe they were just there to confuse people like her, with some small knowledge of magic, to ensure the real spell remained secret.
Hepsie and Poll were with their hill ponies, Stref with a broad-backed mule he had found somewhere and Linis with her chestnut mare. All the mounts had bedrolls and side packs of supplies. Hopefully, they hadn’t forgotten anything because there were no taverns or towns in the high mountains.
Hepsie found herself whispering a prayer to Shal and then wondered why she did so. It was unsettling as she was never the one to call on any god. But there was no time to give it any thought more because the Guild Spellcaster and her two apprentices, were beginning the spellcasting, sending them to the place Linis was holding in her thoughts. That was the big limit on Fartravel, as everyone knew, you had to have been there first.
The magic tingled on her skin and Hepsie resisted the urge to scratch at it. Hepsie’s barrel-shaped pony snorted and rolled its eyes as she tried to soothe it. Stref was having a fine time keeping his mule in place as it sidestepped and tried to pull away. Even the chestnut mare had her ears flattened. Any moment they would all try and bolt. This was going to be a disaster.
“Everyone alright?” Linis asked
Hepsie blinked. Then shivered. They were high in the mountains. Just like that. She hadn’t even felt a moment of transition, and if there had been anything to see she had missed it, focused as she was on keeping her pony calm. No wonder the Guild spellcasters could charge such high prices.

From a fantasy tale by E.M. Swift-Hook

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

I am old and my needs are quite small
I will just make a list of them all
A home of my own
An iPad and phone
And a man with a good set of balls

© jane jago