The gnomes were enjoying the sound of Mother Bigger kicking off. Brave ones crept close, although there was no need – she could have been heard on Mars.
“I never said I would go camping.”
“You did, Mum.”
“Well I’ve changed my mind then.”
“Okay. Stay home. Me and the kids are going to Cornwall next month. The pitch is booked, and I’m going to look at caravans today.”
“Caravans?”
“Yup. Unless you lot want to sleep on the ground.”
Somebody mumbled something about a yurt.
This time it was a flying frying pan, but at least the window was open.
Coffee Break Read – The High Vampire
The naked woman knelt before the huge male vampire with her hands held carefully behind her back. She looked hungrily at his alabaster flesh before raising her eyes to his face. He ignored her, making her await his pleasure. She moaned softly and he backhanded her with casual cruelty, before turning his white eyes towards a corner of the dusty room, where a pile of flesh and hair attested to the fight the woman’s hounds had put up before they were ripped to pieces. Draped across the dead hounds was the body of a Helper, his flesh grey and lifeless and his wings all but torn from his body. The Demon Hunter thought him dead too.
The vampire wasn’t so sure, but he was sure he could allow himself a moment of indulgence before seeing to details like the death of a mere Helper. He looked down into the woman’s face and nodded. She leaned forward and took him in her mouth.
I crouched on a beam in the bat-smelling roof and worried. I knew my Mate wasn’t dead, and I also knew he would die very soon without help. But I had to wait. If I got this wrong, the rogue vampire would kill both of us.
Below me, the albino bloodsucker threw back his head as he enjoyed the sensation of the woman’s mouth around him. I grasped the only chance I was likely to get and my dart took him in the throat. He gave a great cry before stiffening to immobility. The woman stopped what she was doing, and looked up in alarm, but she was befuddled by sex, pale and naked, and without the weapons she had stripped off to service her cold-blooded lover she stood no chance as I jumped from the cross-tree to the ground, spinning silken threads around them as I dropped.
‘Be still’ I hissed ‘if you move the bonds will tighten.’
She must have moved an experimental muscle because she gave cry of pain before fixing me with an inimical glare.
‘Whoever you are. You will suffer for killing a High Vampire.’
‘He isn’t dead. More’s the pity…’
It was essential that the woman was quieted before she had time to recall her wits, so I rapped her on the side of the head with my fist, just hard enough to knock her out.
That bought us a little time before she came round, recognised her predicament, and called for her Master. You may be very sure I had no intention of us being around when He arrived, whoever He was.
From Aaspa’s Eyes by Jane Jago
How To Be Old – Advice for Beginners: Twenty-Two
Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…
If you’re old then the world will forget
All the things that you did to upset
And now you can do
All those things that you
Did before – but without the regret!
Coffee Break Read – Making Music
Some half an hour later they emerged, with the decanus ruefully rubbing his stubble obviously caught somewhere between annoyance and amusement.
“Right you lot,” he bellowed, “Domina Julia is here to witness band practice.”
Half of the Praetorians collected instruments and ‘tuned up’. When he judged them ready, Gallus pulled a baton out of his boot and counted them in. Julia winced as soon as they started playing. They were abysmal. Even those who managed to start together soon lost each other in the maelstrom of bum notes and desperation.
Julia lasted less than five minutes. She waved a hand for silence and slowly, slowly the dreadful cacophony stopped.
“Oh merda,” she muttered, “I expected bad but this is in a whole new dimension.” Catching sight of Edbert leaning against the door jamb she quirked an imperious finger. “There’s a brown leather folder on the desk in the librarium, would you be so kind as to fetch it for me?”
The blond giant snapped a salute.
Gallus looked truly apologetic.
“We’ve not had too much time for practicing, what with the work your man has kept us doing.”
She gave him her nicest smile.
“Not your fault, decanus. Let’s just see what we can salvage shall we?” She gave the band a scathing look. “Okay. We’ve seen what you can’t do. Let’s try and ascertain what you can…”
There was quite a lot of foot shuffling and she laughed, not unkindly.
“Right. Will anybody who can actually read music move over here please.” Three men stepped forward and she smiled at them. “Now. Do we have any singers?”
Nobody moved, but Gallus grunted.
“Marcus, Aurelius, Crestor, and Alexios, front and centre please!” Gallus put his hand up by his mouth as if hiding his words from the men and said in a stage whisper: “They used to be a barber’s shop quartet.”
Four men came forwards expressions apprehensive and more than a bit embarrassed. Julia couldn’t help laughing internally at the look on their faces, but she said nothing to them.
“Finally, is there anybody who plays an instrument outside of the band?”
The same men who had admitted to the ability to read music, reluctantly lifted their hands. Julia looked a question.
“Penny whistle, domina.”
“Pipes of Bacchus, domina.”
“Standing harp, domina.”
Julia beamed at them. Edbert had been hanging back, but now he came forward with the folder Julia had requested. She thanked him with a smile.
“Okay, have a look at this.”
She handed out sheets and the men looked in some trepidation. After a few minutes study they looked a lot happier.
“It’s pretty and it’s simple,” Gallus said, “what is it?”
Julia showed him her teeth.
“It’s one of the Celtic folk airs you lot are supposed to be here learning. This folder is full of them. Most written by my husband’s ancestor who was a famous bard.”
After handing over the sheet music, Edbert had disappeared. He returned now with a large standing harp held tenderly in his big hands. He put it down in front of the confessed harpist.
“Domina Julia’s own harp. Treat it with care.”
The youngster looked petrified, and Julia took pity on him.
“I can’t play the thing.”
Then he touched the strings tenderly and a waterfall of gentle notes leapt from his fingertips. He bent his head, suddenly oblivious to everything but the music. Julia smiled, and began to sing a simple little tune. He picked it up quickly and was soon playing along with her. The other two ‘unauthorised’ players, having collected their own instruments, joined in.
For a while, the singers just looked bashful, then one fine tenor voice joined in. He stumbled over pronunciation but soon lost his fear, and then his friends joined in, pitching their harmonies around his lead. Julia smiled as the whole piece lifted and swelled, musicians and singers together. It was actually bloody good.
Even the non-musical Praetorians clapped enthusiastically when the song ran down and Gallus gave a satisfied nod.
“We need to practice. A lot. But…”
From The First Dai and Julia Omnibus by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook
An everyday story of concrete folk: Four
Sunday came, and the traditional barbecue, spitting hot fat at anyone stupid enough to come close. Mother bigger was about halfway down a bottle of very expensive gin when she stood up and threw her arms wide.
“This is the life. Fresh air. A barbecue under the stars.”
“It’s four o’clock in the afternoon, Mum.”
She withered younger son with a glance.
Big Bigger grinned.
“Why don’t we try camping?”
“Camping?”
“Camping is so not cool.”
“No? Cornwall. Sand and surf.”
The teenagers perked up and Mother beamed.
“See to it,” she said grandly before falling into an intoxicated slumber.
Coffee Break Read – Alexa the Fair
There were around thirty men in all, talking in loud boisterous voices, their breath misting in the cold air, laughing together at crude jokes, whilst passing wine-skins from hand to hand. They had gathered in front of the central pavilion, where a clearing gave some measure of status and privacy to the impressive tent of their employer the caravansi – the owner of the caravan, its wagons, its slaves and much of its cargo. When Caer finally rode into the clearing, his check of the camp completed, one of the Zoukai called out:
“Here, Captain.”
Catching the wineskin, Caer let the warm liquid cut the dust of the day from his throat, swilling out his mouth and spitting, only then swallowing a single mouthful before replacing the stopper and passing it on. Then he nudged his pony forwards and moved amongst his men, sending four more out to join the scouts and a handful of others to support the pickets who were already guarding the outskirts of the camp. He wanted to be extra careful today. Then he moved on, talking briefly to each of the others as he passed: a word of praise here, a question there, advice and the occasional sharp reprimand, all delivered with an easy authority.
A sudden stillness, as sharp on the senses as any loud sound, made Caer turn towards the pavilion, already knowing what to expect. The flap was being held up by a slave girl and a woman had just stepped out of the shady, incensed interior. It was her appearance that had silenced the horsemen and Caer understood why. Alexa the Fair they called her on the roads and the title was well deserved. Caer had lived twenty-five years and had never seen a woman he thought more beautiful. Her mere presence was enough to draw every male eye and deprive a man of his next breath.
She was tall, very tall for a woman and slender with it – long necked, long limbed and lithe, almost boyish with narrow hips and small breasts that barely lifted the sheer satiny substance of the emerald robe she wore. Beneath the magnificence of her dark auburn hair, her face with its clear skin and high cheek bones lent her an ageless beauty. Her violet-blue eyes swept imperiously over the Zoukai and when they came to rest on Caer, he felt the impact as if she had reached out and physically touched his skin.
“I will speak with you now, Captain,” she said. Her voice was quiet, but her tone commanding. Without waiting for either reply or acknowledgement, she turned and went back into the pavilion leaving behind a subtle breath of incense.
From The Fated Sky the first part of Transgressor Trilogy, and the first book in Fortunes Fools by E.M. Swift-Hook.
How To Be Old – Advice for Beginners: Twenty-One
Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…
If you’re old get a new high back chair
And stair lifts to get up your stair
You shouldn’t be seen
Clad bright neon green
Glued to railings to protest that you care!
Author Feature: Guardians at the Wall by Tim Walker
Guardians at the Wall by Tim Walker introduces us to a group of archaeology students in northern England scraping at the soil near Hadrian’s Wall, the barrier that once divided Roman Britannia from wild Caledonian tribes.
Twenty-year-old Noah makes an intriguing find, but hasn’t anticipated becoming the object of desire in a developing love triangle in the isolated academic community at Vindolanda. He is living his best life, but must learn to prioritise in a race against time to solve an astounding ancient riddle, and an artefact theft, as he comes to realise his future career prospects depend on it.
In the same place, 1,800 years earlier, Commander of the Watch, Centurion Gaius Atticianus, hungover and unaware of the bloody conflicts that will soon challenge him, is rattled by the hoot of an owl, a bad omen…
From Noah’s Story
I turned at the sound of Mike’s approach, his gumboots bouncing on the wooden boards preserving the moorland grass around the outer edge of the dig. Beyond him, white woolly blobs ripped at the tough turf with teeth and jaws suited to the harsh environment.
“Once you’ve photographed it, make an entry in the day log,” he said, before leaving me to check on the four volunteers who were sieving soil for hidden fragments of pots or small coins in a long wooden box outside the marquee.
It was the site of a settlement of wood and mud-daubed huts and their adjacent animal pens built by the Brigante people, next to what had once been the stone walls of the Roman fortress at Vindolanda. The Romans would have referred to the cluster of buildings as a ‘vicus’. Every fort had one. The fortress site had been excavated almost continuously since the 1930s, and had yielded a wealth of finds that revealed a detailed picture of how successive Roman garrisons had lived their lives – including written records and correspondence that had miraculously survived for almost two thousand years entombed in layers of peat and soft clay. Now a number of archaeology undergraduates had come together to excavate and map the vicus that had once serviced the needs of the Roman occupiers.
I returned to my trench and resumed scraping the earth beside the street. After ten minutes, I stopped abruptly as my trowel blade made contact with a solid object. “Another stone,” I muttered. I dug around it, slowly scraping the dark, loamy soil and patches of sticky clay, then I burrowed gently with my fingers to get underneath the object. It was no ordinary stone. I picked up my paint brush and swept away the clinging soil to reveal a carved face on a smooth, rounded stone, its form and facial features exposed to the sun and air for the first time in almost two millennia. And my eyes were the first to behold it. Time froze. The excavation didn’t exist, just my breathless awe at the face that had last been touched by the hands of someone from the Roman era. I embraced our private moment and then my excitement erupted.
“Mike! I’ve found something!” I yelled in the direction of my crouching supervisor.
Mike stood up and strode purposefully towards me, springing on the boards like a March lamb, calling, “I’m coming!” He knelt down and stared at the stone face peering out of the soil. “Yes, you’ve found something alright, young Noah. Brush away the surface and then photograph in situ before easing it out.”
One careful centimetre at a time, I freed the object, and I held it in my calloused hands, gently brushing away the top layer of clinging soil. I raised the carving and saw grooved swirls and inscriptions that would be revealed when it was clean, and the delicate features of the statuette. It was carved from light grey marble, had a flat base, and stood about ten inches tall. I estimated the weight to be about two pounds – a bag of sugar.
The other students and volunteers had stopped what they were doing and now gathered around, making cooing noises or remarking ‘nice’ and ‘lovely’. I brushed some more, exposing details of the impassive face and shrouded body that suggested it was a female form, its hands cradling the mound of its belly. After admiring her for a few seconds, I handed her over to Mike, grinning like a bridegroom.
“Hmmm, it looks like a deity of the Brigante tribe, perhaps a goddess of fertility or one to ward off evil spirits. Could be carved from a lump of marble found in the quarry pits that produced the blocks used to build the fortress walls. There’s a vein of quartz running through it that perhaps influenced its selection. I’ll take it to Professor Wilde to get her opinion. Well done, lad. Now everyone, back to work. Noah’s shown us that there are riches still to be discovered!”
I beamed with pride as if I’d uncovered the tomb of a pharaoh, and as Mike continued the process of recording and tucked up my beautiful goddess nice and safe, my eyes followed his every move, and I nodded as he talked me through it.
A Bite of… Tim Walker
Is writing as an escape from the sorrows of existence, an exercise in futility, or an excuse to tell lies and get paid for it? Or is there another option…
Since failing to return answers that resonated with examiners during my unexemplary school days, I came to realise that my mind is not programmed the same way as other ‘normal’ students. Although a career in academia was out, I found I could still inflict my bizarre thoughts, weird interests and out-of-step views on our covetous, consumerist society by writing and self-publishing fiction. The fact hardly anyone reads my odd, disjointed sentences and I struggle to break-even is not in the least bit concerning, as the pleasure is in the ecstasy of invention. In my own small way, I’m contributing to the book mountain that will fuel the fires of the encroaching fascist state.
If you knew nobody would ever read a word you wrote, would you continue writing?
Yes. I am exorcising my many ghosts.
Do you think your political beliefs inform your writing in any way?
I can’t help myself here. I’m a confirmed liberal and find the politics of greed and nastiness deplorable and, well, downright nasty. This inevitably finds its way into my world-creation or interpretation. But what is liberal about the Roman Empire, built on military conquest? Well, once native tribes were pacified, the Romans were at pains to assimilate them into their way of doing things and show them the benefits of their cultural, artistic and agricultural advancements. They also named many of their towns after the name of the local tribe, and incorporated native deities into their polytheistic belief system. Once you were on side, a better life was offered, although captives of war were worked as slaves. I’m interested in how the Romans ordered their province of Britannia, and wonder what elements were retained, or adapted, by subsequent administrations. It was, ultimately, a pyramid society with the emperor at the top, with citizenship a prized class (above subjects) and opportunity for advancement for outstanding individuals; but there was also cronyism and the vested interests of a ruling elite. What’s changed?
In drawing the character of my battle-hardened centurion, Gaius Atticianus, I had to show him as a tough, unflinching leader, a man promoted through the ranks on merit, but I also wanted to show his human side – he is fair in his judgements and trusting by nature, something that comes back to haunt him. To distance him from the soldier trope (and show my archaeologist character’s assumptions to be wrong), he is a family man who loves his wife, and avoids the pleasures of the brothel. Gaius is not a liberal, as he is fully committed to the aims of the empire and is committed to his vows of loyalty and duty. However, he is caring and is not a mindless killer, would prefer living in a time of peace, and seeks diplomatic solutions wherever possible. This puts him on a collision course with other officers who seek battle for glory and gain.
Ex-alligator wrestler Tim Walker lives on a tropical island in the middle of the Sea of Tranquility with his pet hedgehog, Bumfluff, Barry, a grumpy rhinoceros who doesn’t answer to any name, and a swarm of worker nanobots. When he is not chiselling prose on stone tablets his hobbies include bat darting and mud sculpture.
You can find out more about him on his website and follow him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Goodreads or sign up for his Newsletter.
An everyday story of concrete folk: Three
The glazier was a buffly handsome young man with no shirt and some tattoos. Female teenage bigger exerted herself sufficiently to make him a cup of tea.
Bertha watched over her spectacles.
“Trouble brewing,” she muttered to herself when the young people wandered off in the direction of the summerhouse.
Mother Bigger emerged from the house ten minutes later. She found a half-finished window and no glazier.
Sprinting down the garden she was in time to interrupt a romantic tryst, leading her daughter away by the ear.
The man who came to finish the work was a leathery sixty.
Sunday Serial: Wrathburnt Sands 5
Because life can be interesting when you are a character in a video game…
Milla left him muttering to himself nervously and marched up to the drakkonettes.
“You shall not pass,” one said. He hawked and spat then looked a bit surprised as if the action were new and unfamiliar to him. “What the…?”
His companion looked across at him strangely.
“You feeling alright there, dear?”
The first drakkonette blinked a bit then nodded a few times.
“Right as rain my hunny-bunny.” He stiffened his spine and glared down at Milla again. “You shall not pass!”
“I have to. My dog, Ruffkin, he’s inside and I’ve got to rescue him. Isn’t there some way we could come to an agreement? Like…” She tried hard to think of other such agreements she knew of in and around Wrathburn Sands. “Like I bring you ten locks from sandylion manes, or ten landshark tails, or ten vials of dog spit, or…”
The drakkonette pulled a face.
“What would we do with any of those?”
“I – I don’t know,” Milla stuttered. “It’s what some of the people around the village ask Visitors to bring them so I thought…”
“It’s alright, dear,” the other drakkonette said. “We don’t need any of that kind of thing, but I’d love a pot of fruit tea, if you could manage it. Then we might be able to look the other way for a moment.”
“And a couple of flyberry cookies would be good to go with that,” the first one put in. “It’s hard to notice people going through the gate when you’re dunking a cookie.” One of his eyes dropped shut in a wink.
Milla wondered where she might get those then remembered seeing a pile of some kind of cookies in One Eyes’s store and she could brew up a fruit tea on her hearth at home. She opened her mouth to tell them that was fine when a loud yodelling cry came from right behind her.
“Leeeeeroy Jenkins!”
Pew was charging towards them, robes tangling around his legs, staff in one hand with its shimmer extending before him like some kind of magical shield, and a dagger in the other.
It was over so fast Milla barely had time to yelp, she squeezed her eyes shut and heard a loud thump and a groan. When she opened them again, the drakkonettes were standing back in their guarding pose and the noble Firecaster Pewpowerpwnsyou lay in a crumpled heap of shimmering robes at their feet.
“Is he…?”
“He’s a Visitor,” the first drakkonette said contemptuously. “I’ve seen it all the time when we were up at Terraraptor Gorge. Charge in. Blat. Blat. Faceplant. Give them a few moments they go away and then they come back a bit later on and do it all over again.”
The other drakkonette made a maternal clucking sound. “Don’t you worry about him, dear. Just go and fetch us the tea and cookies and he’ll be right as rain when you get back, I promise you.”
Feeling a little uneasy but not really able to see any other course of action open to her, Milla headed back to the village and the provisions shop.
“Flyberry cookies?” One Eye grunted. “I have the very thing. Good you’re not a Visitor though, young’un. If you were I’d have to be asking you to harvest me some flyberries before I could be letting you take these.”
“But there are no flyberry bushes around here.”
“Well no. It means the Visitor has to head out to the Mirage Oasis where they grow and find some there.”
“But that’s on the other side of the Many Miles Mountains. It would take them ages. And that just for some cookies?”
One Eye nodded. “Aye. That’s the thing with Visitors, they do stuff no one in their right mind would bother with normally.” He wrapped the cookies for her and held them out. “Here you go. Good luck on your venture. Hope you find Ruffkin.”
We will return to Wrathburnt Sands by E.M. Swift-Hook next Sunday.
Wrathburnt Sands was first published in Rise and Rescue: A GameLit Anthology.