Mad March Hare

We ran today through budding flowers
The Mad March Hare and I
O’er meadows green, through wooded bowers
We danced beneath the springtime showers
And counted not the passing hours
The Mad March Hare and I

We strode the primrose path together
The Mad March Hare and I
And didn’t mind the changing weather
We just ran on hell for leather
Through rain and wind and both together
The Mad March Hare and I

We picked the daffodillies lightly
The Mad March Hare and I
And when the spring sun shone down brightly
We bounded on our way so sprightly
And didn’t mind it even slightly
The Mad March Hare and I

E.M. Swift-Hook

Ailuros Advises – My company’s going bankrupt!

Admirable advice from Madame Pendulica’s mystic moggy!

Ah the felicitous joy of being the feline companion to a self-professed woman of wisdom. I get to sleep on a velvet cushion as she parades her predictive prognostications. Well, I say sleep, you can be sure my ears are still perked to hear what torrid tangle her current client is seeking advice on.
Today we had a love-lorn civil servant, the owner of a very small machine tools company about to go bust and my favourite, if only because of the delicious aroma he brought with him, a chef who specialised in sea-food.
However, the beneficiary of my forward-thinking feline advice was to the company owner who seemed to think that Madame Pendulica (did I mention her real name is Doris Brown?) was going to somehow provide him with the information he needed to save his precious company – and to listen to the man his marriage and maybe even his life as well!
Well, seriously, is it surprising that his business has wound up in the litter tray if his idea of hiring a consultant is going to an astrologer to have his own and his company’s horoscopes cast? Yes, I do not jest, this apparently quite rational human being (although I do have to say that is something more often an illusion than a fact) thought a batty woman who believes huge dangly earrings add to her gravitas, with her faith in the stars and her patchouli and sandalwood incense sticks was going to give him better advice than anyone else on how to turn his financial fortunes around.
Can you believe it?
I couldn’t and I promptly sat up and told him so.
“Oh don’t mind Ailuros, she’s having a mystical revelation,” she says in that horrible husky fake generic Eastern European accent she puts on with the clients.
Mystical revelation? My furry butt!
I was telling the deluded dwerp that what he should be doing is going to see a financial advisor at his bank and using whatever money he might still have to hire a business consultant who actually knows something about the possibilities of diversification in an economically challenging time. I suggested he investigate 3D printing and considered taking some of the design aspects of his offerings in house so he could hire out that as a service too.
“There, sweet Ailuros says you need to cleanse your unit on the industrial estate with Clary Sage smudge sticks and put Amber and Amethyst crystals under every window to attract good fortune.”
Sweet Ailuros had enough at that point and abandoning the foolish plonker to the grasping claws of her mistress (which although fake are an impressive two inches long) she sashayed elegantly from the room. I mean there is only so much crap a cat can take without needing to make a fresh deposit in the litter tray herself!

Ailuros the Mystic’s Mog predicts she will be offering more advice next week!

Gnomes – Poteen 4

Next morning, a fitful sun shone on at least a score of unconscious nomes. Brenda had found a pair of dolly sunglasses with which she sought to dull the pain in her head.
“What the frag?”
Granny showed her greenish dentures. “You’re hung over, you are.”
Brenda looked at her belly. “No more so’n usual.”
“Nah. It’s what the biggers call feeling ill coz of booze.”
Brenda cast an unloving gaze at the figure of Oisin as he lay on the grass with his mouth wide open.
“Why do I think we’ve not heard the last of poteen?”
Granny sniggered.

©jj 2022

Coffee Break Read – Disapproving Silence

…for a moment the silence was blissful. Then the screaming started…
Writing team Leo and Mike Johnson have their day disturbed when a body turns up near their house.

She punched in a number and was quickly deep in conversation with the dispatcher at the nearest manned police station. Leo went off to fetch their guests, and Mike hied her to the kitchen where she unearthed a couple of cases of Ben and Jerry’s. By the time the back door opened, to admit a dozen scared-looking teenagers and two greyish mouselike women, she had the kettle singing and was assembling mugs. As each teenager passed her she handed out a tub of ice-cream and a spoon.
‘Sit. Eat. Try to relax.’
The kids obeyed her, squeezing onto the benches either side of the big oak table. The two women were less at their ease. One finally found her voice.
‘Is this a Godly home?’
Ro breezed in and looked at her through narrowed eyes. ‘And if it isn’t?’
The woman looked at her muscular torso and collection of tattoos with something akin to loathing. She opened and shut her mouth a few times but discretion won, so she said nothing.
Ro grinned nastily. ‘Leo and the chief wardress are waiting for the cops. I said we’d mind the babies if that’s OK.’
Mike grinned. ‘Stop winding people up Ro. Now. Tea? Coffee?’
Misery Mouse found her voice again.
‘We don’t take stimulants and neither do the children.’
‘Decaf then. Now sit down and shut up or I’ll let Ro off the leash.’
Once everyone had a mug of coffee, Mike sat down at the head of the table and engaged the girls on either side of her in conversation. The two mouselike women sucked up coffee and nibbled on digestive biscuits in disapproving silence. The youngsters started to relax under the influence of ice-cream, coffee and inconsequential chatter. Mike had the impression that their keepers would have dearly loved to intervene somehow, but lacked the courage to brave Ro’s basilisk stare.
By the time the door finally opened to admit a grim-looking Leo and two WPCs, the Misery Mice were looking as disapproving as it is possible for a pair of human beings to look, and Mike was having to hold down the desire to box their ears for them.
‘Mike’ Leo said. ‘Is it okay if the girls and these two policewomen stay here until the kids’ parents come for them? Miss Molloy and Miss Carpenter are needed to strike camp.’
Mike lifted a shoulder, and Ro hustled the depressing duo to the door.
‘Out through the gate’ she said brightly. ‘And don’t worry about thanking Mrs Johnson for the coffee and biscuits. We understand that godliness exempts you from the need to be polite.’

From Shall we gather at the river? a hard hitting murder mystery thriller by Jane Jago which is available for 0.99.

Limericks on Life – 19

Because life happens…

For life is a garden of flowers
With each bloom that you pick for your bowers
The right colour or scent
Just has to be meant
Then the finished display you empowers

E.M. Swift-Hook

Coffee Break Read – God Hates Us All

I sit in the remains of the house as the winds howl by. It is shelter, but the calm days are few now so there is little chance to find food. All that grows is usually flattened before it fruits by these cursed winds.

There was a time I laughed at those who spoke of ‘man-made climate change’. I mean, who would believe that anything we did could really impact something as huge as this planet? Besides, God gave us this world to use so nothing wrong with doing so.

Them scientists with their fancy words, no one really listened – and even those who believed never did anything much about it that I ever saw.

I still remember that big TV debate when they were saying that all the energy in the atmosphere was what was making the high winds and the warming that melted the ice off the poles. All them poor people having their homes just flooded away, that were so sad. But I didn’t blame them other countries for shooting all those millions of refugees. I mean, you couldn’t take in that many people could you?

And here in the UK, when I were a kid, we never had winds like this. ‘Extreme’ weather meant we got a few feet of snow some winters. We used to talk about the weather and complain at a bit of rain.

I miss those days.

Still, I don’t think them scientists were right though – I just think God hates us all.

E.M. Swift-Hook

Gnomes – Poteen 3

Brenda turned her back on the nakedly capering Oisin and waded through the nomes who were fighting over the hooch. She slapped a few and grabbed the bottle.
“It don’t say Po-Cheen anywhere.”
“It wouldn’t.” That was Grandmother. “That’n is shop bought. Poteen is home made.”
“Home made booze. Why have I never heard of it before?”
Granny indicated what was rapidly becoming a war with one rather grubby thumb, and Brenda nodded.
“Anyway, stop hugging that there bottle and pass it this way.”
Brenda took a pull and her eyes watered. She coughed and passed the bottle across.

©jj 2022

Coffee Break Read – How Very Embarrassing

What happens when the hunter becomes the hunted…

Defeat was always a bitter cup from which to have to swallow, but Kahina Sarava determined from the first that it should not define her.
True, she now had to endure exile in the grand house she liked the least of all she owned. It was a sprawling, over-ornate residence built in the heart of great natural beauty and originally intended as a place where she could entertain and impress the powers of Central. It suited her political enemies to have her there, isolated and cut off from any place of influence. But, it was not entirely without benefit. Freed from the endless need to joust for political advantage, she had considerably more time for some of the other things that mattered. Such as pursuing her lifetime’s work: Future Data.
So she stood, back straight, defying her age as the fussily dressed man climbed from his vehicle and walked the short distance to where she waited in front of the main door to her house. The security people who flanked her on either side, guards set to both protect and contain her, stiffened visibly as her visitor approached.
“Garn, what a delight to see you.” She had been expecting him. Though when the brief message informing her of a visitor had come through earlier that day, his name had not been mentioned. “I think this must be the first time we’ve had a get together since you arrested me. What would bring you all the way from Central to visit me in person? I am sure you could gloat quite adequately over link.”
He was a big man in many uses of the word, and it amused her to make him feel uncomfortable. There was little enough by way of human entertainment for her here and no small responsibility for her incarceration rested on his shoulders.
“Right,” he said, and she could see he was sweating despite the temperature being pleasantly cool. “Maybe we could go in and talk somewhere a little more private.”
“I can offer you anything here, except privacy.” She made an elegant gesture with her hands, unfolding them to indicate the attentive security detail. “I am not permitted that even when I sleep. My link connections are watched and my conversations monitored.”
Garn Jecks seemed unperturbed, but then his mind was not very flexible. If he had arrived with a fixed idea of some objective he wished to achieve, that would be both the full extent and narrow focus of his thinking. Laser like — if a laser were some solid substance and not fluid photons. Such inability to embrace the broadest view whilst still keeping the details in sight irritated Kahina. Her own mind suffered no such limitations, and she tolerated it poorly in others.
“I will make the necessary arrangements,” he told her. Matching actions to words, he turned to issue brief orders to the security detail, then added more by link to the invisible watchers who controlled the remote monitoring of her residence. They all moved quickly to obey, but then he was their supreme commander, the man in charge of the Coalition Security Force.
A short time later, Kahina found herself sitting in her favourite room, ambianced to remind her of her mother’s study with shelves of books and curios, heavy looping curtains at the windows and the antique wooden desk. She had chosen not to occupy the desk, Jecks wasn’t someone who would be in the slightest bit intimidated by her doing so. Instead, she sat in one of the comfortable, deep-cushioned chairs set either side of a beautifully carved and inlaid table. Jecks sat opposite her having just dismissed the last of his entourage. He was visibly discomfited. Kahina played the perfect hostess.
“Can I offer you any refreshments? It’s not the shortest of hops here from Central.”
“Right. It’s not. But thank you, no. I’m a bit pressed for time.”
She couldn’t resist another dig.
“I am fully accessible by link, you know.”
Jecks didn’t trouble to answer that. His preoccupation was blinding him and Kahina wondered if the poor man was even aware how much that showed.
“There has been a — a development.”
“A development?”
He almost squirmed.
“I have just received some information which has brought into question our previous conclusions regarding the Future Data project.”
Kahina considered feigning surprise.
“Oh?”
Jecks looked as if he had swallowed something that settled ill in his stomach. For a moment, he glared at her.
“So you already knew.”
She didn’t trouble to reply, instead allowing her expression to reflect the untroubled confidence she was feeling. Jecks muttered something under his breath then started pulling up a remote screen of what appeared to be some security surveillance. Not the best quality and from a static camera, but when he zoomed the image and froze it, the result was perfectly clear.
“Oh dear,” Kahina said gently. “How very embarrassing for you. I wonder what you plan to do about that?”

From Iconoclast: Mistrust and Treason a Fortune’s Fools book by E.M. Swift-Hook which is only 0.99 to buy for a limited period.

Limericks on Life – 18

Because life happens…

Growing older is sometimes quite fun
When you look back on all that you’ve done
And can take a deep breath
At each shibboleth
You once suffered but have now overcome

E.M. Swift-Hook

Free Book Feature – Dues of Blood by E.M. Swift-Hook

Dues of Blood is free to download until 9 March

The tattooed face broke into an ugly snarl, as the spearhead nearly grazed one shoulder of its owner’s powerful frame. He lunged forward, the double-headed axe swinging and the crowd yelled as he claimed his kill, severing the arm of the spear-wielding warrior at the shoulder in a fountain of scarlet and removing his head with a backswing, as effortlessly as a chef might slice through a soft cheese.
It was a very popular kill. This animal, who had the fighting-name ‘Therloon’, had been the new darling of the Alfor crowds since he had arrived in the arena a couple of moons after the Fair. He was of the nomadic folk from the Eastern Continent and had their renowned tenacity and powerful build combined with a flair for the theatrical and a spectacular viciousness that was all his own. Playing to the crowd like the professional he was, Therloon swung his axe around his head and roared, his face contoured into a hideous grin which must have been visible even to those who stood furthest from the edge of the arena. The crowd responded to his signature salute and roared his name.
The powerful Easterner turned to where one opponent remained facing him. The smaller man held his sturdy frame prepared, the curving sword he gripped in one hand looked as frail as a blade of grass against the life-harvesting scythe of Therloon’s whirling axe. But the crowd expected good sport before they had their final glut of blood. For this was no ordinary combat unfolding before them and the money that rode on the outcome of this single bout would have paid the wages of half the troops Qabal Vyazin had been mustering on the outskirts of Tabruth. This was the kind of match that men waited years to see and could only be provided by this, the most prestigious Arena in Temsevar – that of the city of Alfor.
It occurred to Torwyn, watching this display as he ran a hand through his short terracotta-coloured hair, that there were many places better to be than standing less than ten paces away from the axe-wielding maniac and on the wrong side of the high barricades which protected the crowd from the fighting-slaves within.
Facing Therloon, now alone, stood the one they called the Sabre, whom the crowd had just seen defeat his own previous opponent with a classic display of athletic grace and skill. Now, invisible to all except those in the audience closest to where he stood, he shifted his weight very slightly, as if knowing what to expect. The charge, when it came, made him move quickly aside and turn to duck under the axe whilst bringing his own, lighter, blade across to cut at the bigger man’s back. It was not sufficient to do any real damage to his opponent, but enough to gain an appreciative call or two from the crowd and Torwyn could tell it had angered the Easterner.
“Sabre! Sabre!” He evidently had supporters out in strength, probably as many as were there to cheer for Therloon, but then few fighting-slaves were as well-known as the Sabre because few survived six years in the Arena as he had. Few overcame for that long the ever more creative and dangerous demands made on a crowd-pleasing favourite which turned life and death combat into gore-fest theatre or blood-drenched farce.
If it had not been for the coming war this fight would never have been allowed so soon. To end deliberately, the career and crowd-pulling earning power of a top fighting-slave was not a decision made lightly by the lanista of an Arena. More especially when the lanista was well renowned for being a tight-fisted miser, who kept his fighting-slaves in the minimum conditions and invested all his money in crowd-pleasing exhibitions and expensive exotics.
The dance of death continued on the blood-stained sand of the stadium between the unwieldy axe, made agile and serpentine in the hands of the powerful Easterner, and the insubstantial blade of the sword weaving the will of the man who held it. From the first, it had been apparent that the sword was no real match for the heavier weapon with its much longer reach. It was only because the man who held it seemed to possess almost precognitive reactions and a creatively robust athleticism, that the inevitable end was being delayed so long. The tension became palpable and the focus of the two men was absolute. For them, the world had shrunk to the circle of sand and the sweep of feet, hands and weapons.
Normally, the element of drama would have featured far more in any performance by either man. The Easterner was famed for his love of blood and to watch him fight was to watch a butcher at work in a slaughterhouse – but a butcher with a malicious streak of sadism – and the crowd, never sated, loved that. By comparison, the Sabre was known for the humour and finesse he brought to his savagery, playing with his opponents in burlesque ways which would have the crowd fired up with laughter and then stunning them into silence by the breath-taking skill of his acrobatic agility.
Even now, apparently pressed to his limits, Sabre found time to dance a brief step or two with a flower in his teeth, thrown by one of the crowd. It proved to be an expensive crowd-pleaser as the Easterner seized the moment to strike and Sabre, ducking under the blow, raised his own weapon ineffectively to deflect the lethal weight of the axe. It barely turned the heavy slicing blade but at the price of being smashed away from its owner’s grip.
Disarmed, the Sabre dived into a desperate, ground-covering roll that brought him distance from the certain death of Therloon’s backswing, and a few more precious moments of life. But his move was accompanied by the groans and boos of the watching throng. Those who had placed their money on the Sabre were most vocal in their disappointment. The fight was lost and many who had bet on the old favourite knew they would go home the poorer. But the let-down was soon overlaid by a fresh building of anticipation. There remained the catharsis of the kill itself, and Therloon was a master of spectacular, messy killing. That was something to look forward to. The Sabre’s last show would be an essay in violent, agonising death and those he had just robbed of their winnings would enjoy that revenge.
Torwyn watched the Easterner as he advanced across the floor of the arena. Therloon was fully aware that this was his moment and the exaggerated grin that split the tattooed face was as much leer of derision as smile of victory. Only those nearest the edge of the arena heard the tattooed man’s words as he approached his unarmed foe.
“You want to take back what you said before?”
The Sabre backed off step by step as the other man advanced, his arms spread wide in a gesture of pacification or surrender and the roar of contempt from the crowd at this sign of cowardice swelled close to riot.
“Take it back? Why should I?” he said as if puzzled by the question.
“Because on that depends how fast you die.”
“I don’t see why.” The Sabre’s tone was soft. “No matter how quickly or slowly you kill me it is all still true, Gant. You are an imbecile, a laughably dumb brute. You have less intelligence than the beast they named you for.”
An animal growl in his throat, the Easterner shot forward, the long axe held lightly in his hands. Sabre stepped back in a nervous retreat and in doing so missed his footing and tripped, sprawling backwards over the body of Therloon’s previous victim. He fell on his back, arms wide, body spread open and helpless.
The Easterner charged the last few paces, his face congested by anger and hate and Torwyn knew he was going to make this kill one his audience would long remember. Then the fallen man moved. His body rolled suddenly backwards, looking for all the world like a street tumbler, legs disappearing over his head and he finished the movement smoothly on one knee, the spear he had rescued in the process of completing the roll, held in his hands and braced solidly against his foot.
Therloon could no more have shifted his course at that point than taken flight and his eyes barely had time to widen in horrified comprehension, before his stomach was impaled upon the spear.
Sabre was on his feet as the impact was carried through, driving the point home deeply, twisting it to bite into the spine as the Easterner went down. Standing above his fallen foe, the sturdy fighting-slave looked down, without compassion at the tattooed face which was broken now by a rictus of agony.
“How fast do you die?” he asked savagely, for once allowing the fury and disgust to boil up through his veins. But the Easterner was beyond words, lungs pierced by the ripping barbs on the side of the spear’s head and breathing only in wheezing grunts.
The adoring ululation of the crowd ran like a hurricane around the arena and a monsoon of flowers and ribbons rained down onto the blood-drenched sand.
“Sabre! Sabre! Sabre!”
Torwyn straightened up and looked around as if seeing the scene for the first time. Then, strangely impatient and with no more than the most perfunctory of gestures to acknowledge the adulation, he ran his hand through his short rust-coloured hair and strode back through the now open gates, into the dark tunnel beyond.

From Transgressor: Dues of Blood a Fortune’s Fools book by E.M. Swift-Hook which is free to download until 9 March. You can listen to this on YouTube.

The cover is designed by Ian Bristow, you can find his work at Bristow Design.

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