We ran today through budding flowers
The Mad March Hare and I
O’er meadows green, through wooded bowers
We danced beneath the springtime showers
And counted not the passing hours
The Mad March Hare and I

We strode the primrose path together
The Mad March Hare and I
And didn’t mind the changing weather
We just ran on hell for leather
Through rain and wind and both together
The Mad March Hare and I

We picked the daffodillies lightly
The Mad March Hare and I
And when the spring sun shone down brightly
We bounded on our way so sprightly
And didn’t mind it even slightly
The Mad March Hare and I

E.M. Swift-Hook

It was an unseasonably cold, wet August morning, and Julia was in her sitting room watching the sun try to break through a veil of black cloud, with her two wolfhounds Canis and Lupo asleep in a twitching heap by a small simmering fire. Their usual keeper, her personal bodyguard Edbert, was busy about some other business, so the dogs stayed close to her. Julia was breaking her fast in the British manner, seated on a chair with both feet on the floor. As she had a sneaking preference for that manner of dining, she wasn’t making an issue of it. Instead, she smiled sunnily at her beloved who sat opposite her eating bread and honey.
“You,” she remarked with mock severity “have honey on your chin.”
“Do I?” he asked. “It’s probably because I was looking as well as eating.” His startling blue eyes met hers. “Isn’t the love of my life sitting opposite me dressed in silk and looking good enough to eat?”
She felt the blush running up from her throat to her face and he leaned across the table and placed a chaste kiss on one burning cheek, then he chuckled.
To her intense irritation, the sitting room door banged open and the burly, hook-nosed figure of Decimus Lucius Didero, Tribune in charge of the praetorian guard in Britain, stomped into the room.
“Do come in, Decimus,” Julia said coolly.
“I appear to be in,” the big man spoke mildly. “And now I am, I will have some of that bread and honey and some words with your man.”
Julia gave up the attempt to bring her foster brother to a sense of his own impropriety and spread honey on a hunk of crusty bread. She handed Decimus the bread and grinned at him.
“What do you want with my betrothed?”
Decimus masticated carefully before answering her.
“I’m in the nature of a supplicant. Being as how your man is now, thanks to his deeds of extraordinary valour, a Roman Citizen and a submagistratus-in-waiting to boot, the civilian authorities in general, and that stupid cunnus of a prefect in particular, can’t just order him to look into something. They have to ask. And it goes against the grain. They’d sooner lick my arse than his. So I get to ask.”
“Ask what?” Julia didn’t like the sound of this at all. “Today and tomorrow are public holidays and Dai and I had plans on how we wanted to spend them.”
Dai patted her hand.
“Hush, love. Let the man explain.”
She snarled at him, but subsided.
“Dai, do you remember Lugh Tasgo’s designs?”
Julia looked into Dai’s eyes and saw a slow flare of anger in their depths.
“Oh yes. I remember. I remember a dead Briton and a fat Roman bastard. And an investigation called off because nobody cared that a woman died.”
Decimus met his eyes.
“So you wouldn’t mind another look at the case?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
Dai got up and went around the table to where Julia sat. He lifted her out of her chair and sat down with her in his lap. She could feel the tension in his lean body and turned her face into his neck. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged tightly.
“Grainne Cathan died trying to protect those designs for her employer and he called the investigation off. So it depends,” he said harshly, “on me being permitted to actually investigate no matter what the outcome.”

From Dying to Alter History a Dai and Julia mystery by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook, one of the fourteen alternate history short stories in Tales From Alternate Earths III from Inklings Press.

It began on the most primitive and insignificant planet in the galaxy and finished at the very heart of galactic civilisation.

It began with the fate of one planet in the balance and ended with the fate of all humanity at stake.

It began as an supreme struggle against the odds and ended with the ultimate gamble.

Fortune’s Fools – Three Trilogies. Nine Books. One Story.

This weekend only you can pick up the first two trilogies (in their single-volume versions) for free.

And you can snag the three individual books of the final trilogy for just 99p/c each.

There has never been a better time to undertake this epic adventure…

Transgressor – Fortune’s Fools first trilogy in one volume.

Haruspex – Fortune’s Fools second trilogy in one volume.

Mistrust and Treason – Book One of Iconoclast, Fortune’s Fools final trilogy.

Not To Be – Book Two of Iconoclast, Fortunes Fool’s final trilogy.

A Necessary End – Book three of Iconoclast, Fortune Fool’s final trilogy.

Enjoy!

E.M. Swift-Hook

Somewhere in a Wild West that never was…

It was still full dark when Cuchilo reined Hombre in. “We’re right about there, but I’m thinking we need to pull back a ways so we can see without being seen. And we need to cover our tracks.”
“We do. I hadn’t thought it through, but we surely do.”
Cuchilo threw back his head and howled. He was answered almost immediately and he threw Hombre’s reins to Mir before slipping to the ground. In the fitful moonlight she saw him crouch down just as the wolf sprung. They wrestled and played for a moment before Cuchilo bent to the wolf’s ear. Whatever passed between them, the rest of the pack emerged from wherever they were hiding and rubbed around Cuchilo as if they were tame dogs. When he had communicated with each one he got back into the saddle and kneed Hombre forward.
“There’s a cave. It’s dry and overlooks the draw. We will be able to stable the horses and watch without being seen.”
Mir spotted the deer before anyone else, she touched Cuchilo on the thigh and he followed her eyes. In a second he had an arrow nocked. The buck had just lifted his head when an arrow ended life. Cuchilo roped the carcass and dragged it behind his horse.
“Well spotted.”
Mir managed a smile, although being with Cuchilo after nearly four years alone was coming close to killing her. “I remember how much this lot like deer meat.”
The cave was exactly what they needed. Even so, by the time everyone was fed and sorted dawn was just pinking the sky. Mir yawned and Cuchilo motioned to the pile of branches and horse blankets.
“Sleep. I’ll watch.”
She needed no second telling and with wolves huddled around her for warmth drifted into a refreshing sleep. Waking who knew how much later, the warmth of the wolves’ bodies had been replaced by the feeling of hard muscle at her back and a long arm draped over her waist. She knew the feel of him as intimately as she knew her own hands and the craving that had never subsided lifted its head. Without conscious thought she turned into his embrace, rubbing her face against the soft flannel of his shirt. His response was as swift as it was flattering and the seduction of his hands and mouth were as potent as ever.
When it was over and she lay in his arms, Mir made no attempt to hide the tears that ran almost unheeded from her eyes. He was instantly contrite.
“Miri. What is it? Did I hurt you?”
“No. But you will. When you discard me again.”
He pinned her to the makeshift bed and stared into her eyes.
“What do you mean, discard you?”
Anger was Mir’s only defence, and she wriggled and fought in his hands. “You know what I mean. Don’t pretend you don’t.”
“Miri. No. It wasn’t me…”
There was a second of fraught silence, before they spoke in unison – both having the same thought and both finding the same difficult words.
“Why didn’t you at least tell me yourself?”
Cuchilo stared down into her face. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“I guess I am. But who?”
“Your sister.” Mir felt that like a slap. She had always known that Yael didn’t love her, but to actively try and ruin her life… She looked into Cuchilo’s eyes and saw the truth in him. He cupped her cheek in one hand. “Who came to you?”
“A shaman called White Eagle. I didn’t want to believe him, but he had your wedding ring.”
“Yael had yours too.”
“Only she didn’t.” Mir put her hand to the neck of the undershirt that was all she currently wore and drew out a chain on which there hung two rings.
“White Eagle neither.” The rings around Cuchilo’s neck were on a leather thong.
Mir buried her face in the strong brown column of his throat. “Oh, love,” she murmured. “Oh my love.” And then she really started to cry. He was wise enough, and tender enough, to let her cry it out before drying her cheeks with his shirt sleeve and offering her a rag on which to blow her nose. She complied and leaned into his warmth. He wrapped her in a hug.
“Better now?” he asked.
“Better than I’ve been for a goodish while.”

From The Redhead, the Rogue and the Railroad by Jane Jago

One might never have read this book had it not been that Mumsie decreed it a winter project last year. One resisted as best one might, but in the end it is never wise to argue with one’s mater as a clout around one’s ear with whatever the woman has in her hand at the time can be injurious to both health and beauty.

One attempted to ask what particular merit the uninspiring looking volume was hiding under its brown paper dustcover. But Mumsie merely looked up from her copy of some other boring old book and slapped one large, square hand hard on the boards of the dining table.
“You,” she intoned in a doom-laden voice, “call yourself a writer. So you better effing well learn to write, and you just might do that by reading some people who actually can. Bloody read it. And don’t skip. There will be questions.”

Knowing when discretion is the better part of valour is just one of the things a public school education teaches. So I read it.

My Review of The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham

Précis: Something happens and lots of people go blind. Then some plants start walking about killing people. And there is a girl.

Review: This is absolutely black, plain and black. There is no artistry in the choice of words. No beauty in the language. No heroism. The story is told as colloquially as if the ‘hero’ (if one could call him such) was talking to his rough chums in some public house. There is no attempt to elevate the story of his struggle beyond the mundane and everyday.
There is not even a decent happy ever after. Does humanity triumph? Or do the plants win?  I couldn’t tell. I was left dissatisfied and unsettled. This is not a nice book.

Two stars. Awarded for proper spelling and punctuation.

Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV

You can find more of IVy’s profound thoughts in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago.

A flash fiction by E.M. Swift-Hook. You can listen to this on YouTube.

There was an endless, hacking, dry cough coming through the paper-thin walls, which combined with the aching squeal of protest in the springs of the bed as I tried to find an almost comfortable position to lie in, made sleep seem a grimly distant prospect. At least, I thought, I would get no unwelcome visitors here. The mildew-scented air, battled with a slightly sour odour of fabric left too long undried that was perfuming my pillowcases. It reminded me of the smell of the dirty-linen basket at home.

Home.

I had no home now, I had forfeited that in exchange for a promise of happiness.

Thoughts and emotions welled up anew, like bubbles rising in a boiling pot, and the more I tried to let them go, the faster they seemed to simmer. So I gave up the battle and opened my eyes, the sickly yellow glow of the flickering, streetlight outside the window revealing where the wallpaper had pinched-up and peeled off, revealing the card with a picture of a single rose. It had been my talisman for weeks and my promised ticket to freedom – five magic words: ‘Trust me, I love you’.

My trust in that love had brought me here – this place that was supposed to have been a sanctuary but offered only cold comfort.

E.M. Swift-Hook

Thames Valley Tales by Tim Walker is a light-hearted yet thought-provoking collection of nine stories by Tim Walker. These tales are based on the author’s experience of living in Thames Valley towns, and combine contemporary themes with the rich history and legends associated with an area stretching from the heart of rural England to London.

The collection includes The Goldfish Bowl, in which an unlikely friendship is struck between a pop star and an arms dealer in Goring-on-Thames; Maidenhead Thicket, where the ghost of legendary highwayman, Dick Turpin surprises a Council surveyor; The White Horse intrigue surrounding the dating of the famous chalk carving on the Berkshire Downs; Murder at Henley Regatta, a beguiling whodunit, and The Colnbrook Caper, a pacey crime thriller. Thames Valley Tales starts with The Grey Lady, a ghost story from the English Civil War, and features The Merry Women of Windsor in a whimsical updating of Shakespeare’s classic play. The Author’s Note explains the context and reasoning behind each story.

Nigel and Jan stop over at the charming, rustic Rose Revived Inn at Witney on the upper reaches of the river Thames, unaware that it is the anniversary of a bloody skirmish that took place there during the English Civil War…

“Here you go sir, I’ll let you in with my pass key. Will you be alright now?” Bill whispered in a well-practiced hotelier manner.

“Erm, what time is it? How long was I out?”

“Only a couple of minutes, sir. I was there shortly after I heard you fall. ‘Praps I shouldn’t have topped up your brandy. In you go sir.” Bill held the door open and ushed Nigel into his room.

“Thank you, I’ll be fine,” Nigel said as he pushed the door closed and staggered to the bed, seeing the sleeping form of Jan by the light of the bedside lamp. “Go to bed, take two. Brandy and ghost stories are a bad combina-shun,” he mumbled as he kicked off his shoes, wrestled his shirt off, pulled down his trousers and dropped into bed, oblivious to the swirling grey fog outside, shrouding the ancient stone bridge and extending its tentacles to the Rose Revived.

Then my husband is still. I cry out. The two men look up from their evil work and are upon me. I am too terrified to move. They seize me roughly by the arms and drag me past the bloody body of my beloved, onto the bridge. One of the villainous Roundheads, stinking of sour ale, tells me, “You and your husband have harboured Cavaliers in your Inn and plotted against our Master Cromwell. Now you will suffer the same fate as your husband – death to all Papists!”

With that, he draws his knife across my throat and I swoon, feeling my warm blood spill down the front of my night dress. ‘Oh God, dear Jesus, receive me’, I try to say, but a bloody gurgle is my final sound as they push me over the stone wall. Down, down I tumble, through the cold night air, my lifeblood oozing between my fingers; spinning downwards, silently into the rippling embrace of the river.

My last thoughts are for my children. What will happen to my beloved Geoffrey and sweet Annabelle? I must search for them. The cold waters envelope me and a ribbon of silver lights the way to my watery grave. I will not rest until I have found my children, and know they are safe.

“I’m giving it a five-star rating on Trip Adviser, Nigel. It was clean, comfortable and perfectly located. What do you think?”

Nigel groaned and blinked at Jan. She was already dressed.

“Whatever you say, dear. I need a shower. Perhaps wait until after breakfast to post a review? And I want to see if there’s a loose carpet rail at the top of the stairs.”

“Why? What happened to you? Oh dear, you’ve got a nasty bruise on your forehead.”  She sat on the bed and moved to touch it. He pulled back and delicately rubbed the bump.

“Well, I either tripped and fell down the stairs, or the Grey Lady pushed me,” he moaned.

Jan laughed. “Who on earth is the Grey Lady?”

“That’s precisely it. She’s not of this earth. She’s the ghost of the old innkeeper’s wife from the time of the civil war.”

Jan gave him her best sympathetic look. “I’m worried by the increase in frequency and… strangeness of your dreams, dear, although I must confess that I also dreamt of a transparent ghostly figure last night. Unusual for me. It must be a combination of drink and the menacing fog as we crossed the bridge. Come on; let’s get you into the shower. You smell like a brewery.”

“More like the wet floor of a cellar lined with oak-casks of brandy, fermented by monks in the Dark Ages with nothing better to do and matured over centuries.”

“You’re right,” Jan smiled, pulling him towards the bathroom, “I’ll hold off from posting on Trip Adviser until after breakfast, and further investigation into the cause of your midnight tumble. Perhaps I could add a line on the resident ghost – the mysterious Grey Lady. An essential stop on the Ghost Tour of Old England.”

From The Grey Lady one of the Thames Valley Tales

Tim Walker is an independent author living near Windsor in the UK. He grew up in Liverpool where he began his working life as a trainee reporter on a local newspaper. After graduating, he moved to London where he worked in the newspaper publishing industry for ten years before relocating to Zambia where, following a period of voluntary work with VSO, he set up his own marketing and publishing business. He returned to the UK in 2009.

Tim’s creative writing journey began in earnest in 2014, as a therapeutic activity whilst recovering from cancer treatment. He began writing an historical fiction series, A Light in the Dark Ages, inspired by a visit to the site of a former Roman town. The series connects the end of Roman Britain to elements of the Arthurian legend and is inspired by historical source material, presenting an imagined history of Britain in the fifth and early sixth centuries.

Book one is Abandoned (second edition 2018); followed by Ambrosius: Last of the Romans (2017) and Uther’s Destiny (2018). The last two books in the series, Arthur Dux Bellorum (2019) and Arthur Rex Brittonum (2020) cover the life of an imaged historical King Arthur.

He also found the time to write three books of short stories and verse, and a three-book children’s series, The Adventures of Charly Holmes, with his daughter, Cathy.

In 2021 he published a dual timeline historical novel, Guardians at the Wall. This was inspired by visits to Vindolanda and Corbridge at Hadrian’s Wall, and concerns the efforts of archaeologists to uncover evidence and build a narrative of the life of a Roman centurion in second century Britannia… and find his missing payroll chest.

Should Thames Valley Tales audiobook find an audience, he plans to follow up with a second audiobook, London Tales, for 2024 release.

You can find Tim on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Goodreads and his own website.

Thames Valley Tales  second edition, is available in audiobook, Kindle e-book and paperback from Amazon worldwide, and can also be found on Kindle Unlimited. Audiobook also on Apple i-books. Audiobook narrated and produced by actor, author and playwright Richard James who has been appearing on stage and screen for over thirty years. Most recently, he played a guest role in Miss Scarlet & The Duke for PBS and Alibi Films and was nominated for ‘Best Supporting Performance’ at the Off West End Awards for his roles in A Sherlock Carol at the Marylebone Theatre. Richard is on Twitter as @RichardNJames.

Instead of bewailing my orphaned state, I’m having a mini sale in honour of my dear mum who dearly loved a bargain.

Free book!

His Sister’s Keeper delves into a dystopian world where society is fragmented beyond ‘haves’ and ‘have nots’ into a place where most people are no more than pawns and canon fodder.

Half price book

Queen to Black Knight Who is playing games with Tess Monroe’s life? And will she live to tell the tale?

Happy Mother’s Day to all those who are one – treat yourself on me!

Jane Jago

Ante Diem Nonum Kalendas Aprilis MDCCLXXIX Anno Diocletiani

I

The working office of the Magistratus had changed considerably since Sextus Catus Bestia had taken over the role in Demetae and Cornovii six months previously. Dai Llewellyn, Submagistratus for the same area, still fondly recalled the simple and yet tasteful decor the previous incumbent had preferred. Bestia, by contrast, favoured opulence over simplicity and substituted extravagance for good taste. But then, unlike his predecessor who had risen through the administrative ranks, Bestia had transferred into the state sector after enjoying a successful career as a commercial lawyer. Dai assumed that impressing business clients required such an ostentatious display of wealth, but the same sat ill with the kind of civic dignity expected of Bestia’s present role.
Not that the man couldn’t easily afford the expensive artwork lining the walls, the rarewood furniture, the bejewelled and gilded bust of the Divine Diocletian and the elaborate full-length golden-framed painting of himself and his wife of a few weeks. That marriage had surely made him one of the wealthiest men in all of Viriconium.
Which was why this present meeting was beginning to make Dai move from frustration into anger. Bestia was sitting in his throne-like desk chair, hands resting on the carved lions that adorned the arms. The late afternoon sun had painted the window behind him with glowing light, adding to the regal impression. He also looked regally bored, as if he found the whole business of overseeing the administration tedious in the extreme.
“I see no reason to bend the rules just because your Senior Investigator has a gut-instinct about something. Cartivel must be close to retirement age and is probably just dyspeptic.” He smiled as if inviting Dai to share the joke.
“I’m not asking you to bend any rules. I’m asking you to sign-off further resources to investigate properly. I would if I could, but have already authorised this case to the limit of my authority.”
Bestia glanced down at the file on his desk. “Indeed. I see you granted SI Cartivel and his team an entire day in man hours. Time they have used to ascertain little more than that this woman was known to be a lupa and known to be willing to take money from clients who wanted more extreme practices than the usual. But there are no grounds that I can see here for me to extend the investigation any further. It would be a waste of public money.”
“If Malina Tesni was a Roman Citizen…”
For the first time, Bestia sounded annoyed.
“If the woman was a Roman Citizen, she would not have been a common British puta who was paid well by an over-vigorous client.”
“Over-vigorous?” For a moment Dai saw the start of a red haze clouding on the edges of his vision and with a supreme effort of will he fought it down, drawing a deep breath and counting silently.
“Distasteful as it is, there was nothing to suggest she had been abused against her will. She was also found with what I am assured would be a substantial payment for a street woman. No doubt an incentive to allow her client more leeway in his behaviour.”
“She was beaten half to death. The autopsy said she died of those injuries having caused severe internal bruising and swelling.”
“It was not murder. There was clearly no intent to kill or why pay the woman and let her go home? At very best it was an accidental death. No one has denied that she was a prostitute and that is a profession that we all know carries certain occupational hazards.” His expression softened suddenly and his voice shifted to something more like friendly cajoling. “You are a good man, a good Citizen and a good administrator, Llewellyn. I do understand why you feel so strongly about this, but you must let it go. It’s for the best.”
Dai had been sitting but now he shot to his feet.
“Let it go? Dominus, the man who did this is somewhere in Viriconium and he could do the same to another woman.”
Bestia lifted one hand from its lion’s head resting place.
“Stop right there. Firstly, I already said that I completely understand where you are coming from with this. Who could not be appalled at by it? But where is the crime? There is no law against prostitution.” He leaned back and shook his head, looking saddened. “If anything the dead woman is the criminal here. The only prosecutable offense I can see is failure on her part to have purchased a license to practice her trade. And, of course, the subsequent charges of tax evasion that would lead to, especially seeing how well she was being paid.”
Dai struggled to find some way to frame things in terms that could penetrate Bestia’s lawyer logic.
“If she was a Citizen there would be unlimited resources made available to uncover the man who did this whether it was deemed consensual or not. What if the man is local and his next victim is a Citizen?”
Bestia was frowning now.
“You should know better than that, Submagistratus. We can’t run the Vigiles on ‘what ifs’. There is no reason to think the man was local, indeed it is more likely someone passing through, staying the night and wanting some entertainment. And even if he was local, you have already spent public money on investigating something that is not a crime. Instead of asking me for more perhaps you should apologise and be grateful that I’m not going to mention that you did so on any official report.”
The red haze rose and this time Dai could do nothing to stop it. His last conscious act was to turn and start walking towards the door. Better to be rude to his superior than get arrested for attacking him.

From Dying on the Streets by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago

Right, before we go any further the obligatory sensitivity warning –  this is about sex. You know the activity – where some version of Tab A being shoved into Slot B occurs. That having been said I make no effort to pretty up the subject. So those of a virginal, celibate, or easily offended nature, or those under the age of consent, should stop reading now and go away. You Will Be Offended if you read on.

And now to consider the pros and cons of rude things under the sky….

Given that most people between the ages of sixteen and, say, sixty will harbour a secret desire for alfresco nookie, I feel it is incumbent on me to dispel a few myths.

Romance – It always sounds kind of romantic when some country singer is mooing on about making love in the moonlight. And I guess it may be okay in the Ozarks – they have plenty of room. In Clapham it’s less delicate delight and more amateur dogging.

Sensation – Dirt between the cheeks of your arse is abrasive. Stinging nettles sting. (As a female I can attest to the fact you have never laughed until you have seen a naked man prancing about a moonlit field clutching his knob and screaming for a dockleaf. But I digress.) And whatever kind of a prick does it for you, thistles up your nethers won’t help. 

Oh and. On no account allow yourself to be tempted onto a moonlit beach. If dirt is abrasive just think what sand can do. Sand forced into your delicate places by something resembling a piston wrapped in glass paper. Ouch. (Apparently A&E departments in seaside areas have special fanny douching nurses.)

Temperature – Unless you are lucky enough to live in some balmy tropical paradise it will be cold. Cold enough to ensure that the male half of the equation will have to be about his work quickly before Mr Willy decides its cold enough so he needs to go home.

Privacy – That secluded forest glade. How secluded is it? Will you be making love in the tender grass watched over only by the moon? Or. And this is the most likely scenario. Will you open your eyes to see you have collected: two joggers, three Boy Scouts, one man with a bicycle and a head torch, one man in a greasy macintosh whose hands are suspiciously hidden, and your brother and four of his mates? You are never going to live that one down.

In conclusion alfresco hide-the-sausage is most definitely not what it is cracked up to be. Besides which, if you are a yummy mummy to be, how the feck will you explain calling the fruit of your loins ‘Dogging Area to the Rear of Sainsbury’s Car Park’. It doesn’t quite have the ring of Brooklyn does it?