Why (some) authors get right on my tits
We all like to read. I’m up for cracking a book or slapping a finger on the kindle at almost any time of almost any day.
I mean. What could be finer than a thundering good book, a glass of something fortifying and a bag of fudge/chocolate/butterscotch/cubed cheese/or whatever you fancy?
Having established my credentials as a reader of some appetite, you may wonder why I have such a serious dislike of ‘authors’…
It’s not all authors by any means and I’m not having a pop at people who are genuinely trying to use fame to benefit mankind.
No. It’s the bloody attention seekers I have in the crosshairs.
This particular form of swamp life seems to fall into more than one camp.
The novelist with a thirst for personal notoriety to go with the book fame. I have a few words of advice for those eejits. The fact that you have written a work of fiction does NOT make you an expert on real life. The world may have quite enjoyed your novel(s) but that doesn’t mean it needs to see your face, and hear your bloody half-baked opinions, all over everywhere.
Please do not:
Post pictures of your ‘celebrity lifestyle’ on Instagram
Pontificate on politics/philosophy/gender identification/immigration/vaccination/child rearing/W.H.Y.
Do the rounds of the low-budget chat shows bigging up your sad back story
Accept the fact that nobody cares, go back to your writing cave and attempt to be entertaining in the only way you can.
The lifestyle gherkin (sorry guru)
The world does not need: another crackpot diet, any more ways to self medicate, an even weirder exercise regimen, a cookbook for the sweepings from the granary floor, hints for the prolongation of sex (mostly we’d like it over so we can get back to the book), a candle that smells like any part of anybody’s anatomy… Need I say more!
We, ordinary women who have real life to contend with, are mostly just offended by some flighty bit who probably has people to do the orgasms for her….
The fey merchants of Celtic Twilight are sometimes amusing, but mostly make one want to throw baked beans at the telly.
If you think the characters you write talk to you, tell you their stories, or refuse to do what you say. Well. That’s your take on life. But it’s kinda squirmy when you say it out loud….
The writers of ‘literary (unsuccessful) fiction’ who spend their lives being snotty about anyone who writes anything that sells.
This shower, and the telly pundits with bad hair who encourage them, need a swift reality check.
Or a kick up the ass…
In a nutshell.
Authors need to write and make their points with the pen – because TBH most of them are shite at communicating like a normal human beings.
I am now so distressed that I need a pint of Drambuie, a pound of whole nut chocolate, and a good book
It doesn’t matter what you think – this is Granny’s opinion and it’s not up for discussion!