Presents bought, food sorted, lights put up and the tree decorated. Time to chill out and how better than with some sci-fi fun reading. Sci-Fi Lampoon Magazine is full of speculative humorous stories.
An excerpt from “Stop Continental Drift!” by GD Deckard, who this issue’s Featured Author.
Piper’s insistent grip was pulling him towards the Alien. Decision time. Go with her or fall on his face. “OKAY.” He stumbled to her, muttering. “But I ain’t walking. We hitchhike.”
“What’s hitch hiking?” Spice asked.
“You stand by the road and hook your thumb out like this,” Bob showed Spice, who stepped into the intersection holding up his thumb just as a blue bus covered in colorful lettering careened from around the corner into him. The spherical Alien concaved like a collapsing basketball then rebounded ahead of the bus now screeching to a halt. The bus and alien rolled to a stop in front of Bob and Piper. She rushed to him. “Spice! Are you alright?” People piled out of the bus. “OMG!” and “It’s an alien,” some said while others checked the front of the bus. Bob helped Spice to his feet.
“My suit saved me.” The Alien brushed himself off.
Piper fingered his suit. “It looks like regular spandex.”
“I backed it with duct tape,” Spice explained, turning thoughtful. “Say, if you people are
ever allowed to export, I’d start with duct tape. It would sell just about anywhere in the galaxy.” “Are you injured?” A bearded young white man broke from the group of diverse young
people around the bus. He stopped to look twice at Old Spice. “You’re an alien! Not that that’s bad.” He added hastily. “Aliens are welcome.”
“You’ll take us to Denver? I need to get there to catch the next ship home.”
“Uh. Well, we are headed west.” He extended his hand. “My name is Jackson, Jackson Pfizer.”
“Pleased to meet you, Jackson Jackson. May I call you Jackson?”
“Please do.” Jackson’s smile broke through the confused look on his face. “I just received my Doctorate in Social Media.” The confused look returned. “Well,” he backed away. “If you are OKAY….”
“I am, Doctor Jackson. Let’s go.” Spice boarded the bus.
Bob studied the bus. It was hand painted in the style of wall graffiti, a blue base covered with orange volcanoes erupting over yellow buildings toppling in earthquakes. Scrawled below the windows in big fluorescent lime green letters was, “Stop Continental Drift!” and “Pin The Plates!!” He grinned and followed Piper aboard. They headed west.
It didn’t take long to meet the other Doctorates on the bus, it being a short bus. Each had recently completed their PhD in a socially acceptable field and were doing their Residency on a government funded tour. Sitting with the group gathered around Spice, Bob studied their eager faces while Piper told him what he was seeing, one of her professional talents as a journalist. “Each represents a different culture.”
A bite of… The Lampooning Team
The following answers were provided by Executive Editor Margret Treiber. The rest of the team claim to be as innocent as Pontius Pilate.
Question 1: Is it important to include all shades of belief and sexual orientation in a book?
I think we all strive to be as inclusive as possible, and we love to her all manner of voices. While we don’t necessarily control the stories, we do enjoy submissions from people of diverse backgrounds. So yes, it’s important. Now, do we expect every single combination of human being to be represented? I’m not sure that’s possible. But we’re game. We could use a few more submissions from purple and green people.
Question 2: Why do you write? Money is an acceptable answer.
Because we are all geeks with no life outside of our imaginary universes. We find solace in each other’s geekiness and try to connect with just one person, once a day so the loneliness and emptiness abates. Nah, we just dig being funny. So we all decided to make funny together.
Question 3: What is worse, ignorance or stupidity?
Ignorance. Stupidity isn’t necessarily the stupid person’s fault. Ignorance is laziness. I mean read or something for crap’s sake. Come on. Of course even in this band of super geeks nobody knows how to travel faster than light. Is that ignorance? Are we being lazy? Hmm, maybe we should be hating on ourselves.
Question 4: Facing your demons? How much of what you write could be classed as therapy?
I imagine a lot of us start out as therapy writers until writing becomes a living, and then the scales tilt toward the money-making side. But let’s face it, the lot of us need a ton of therapy.
Question 5: Have you ever written somebody you dislike into a book, just so you could make them suffer?
We’ve written bad jokes to make our readers suffer. If that counts
Question 6: You are at a dinner party. Name the four people living, dead or fictional you would most like to be sitting with.
Muses, four muses that whisper ideas in our ears so our little keyboards go clickity-clack and we write a ton of funny stuff. They gotta be funny muses, though, like the kind that do slapstick and pratfalls when they walk into the room. Maybe the muses of sarcasm, and comedic timing would be great.
The Lampoon staff team are:
Ian K., Publisher, (actually) wears a clown’s red bulb on his nose. Ian’s New York City born and bred, so this attracts no attention.
Adam Stump, Editor-in-Chief, talks to God daily. Also a United Methodist Church Pastor.
Margret Treiber, Executive Editor, motorcyclist. She & her partner regularly terrorise Senior Citizen drivers in South Florida.
GD Deckard, Instigator of the magazine. Regarded by the working Staff as a mascot.
The next issue is planned for first quarter 2020 and if you are a writer of humorous speculative fiction our Submission Guidelines are here.