Madame Pendulica’s Prophetic Prognostications – Dining

Take this exclusive opportunity to consult the wisdom of the mysteriously enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries.
The mythical ram is surprisingly fond of roast lamb with all the accompaniments. If you want to start a fight with an Aries suggest that redcurrant jelly is a more proper condiment than mint sauce

Taurus.
Taureans are not, by nature, attracted to gourmet dishes. They are prone to consider food as fuel rather than pleasure. Generally speaking Taurus cooks consider any food that takes longer to prepare than eat a waste of time

Gemini.
For a sign represented by twins Gemini people have remarkably restrained appetites. They can, however, always be tempted by chocolate – particularly in the shape of a certain biscuit and caramel bar, which comes conveniently two to a packet

Cancer.
Cancerians tend to look sideways at any food they consider to be ‘messed about’ – by which they mean anything that isn’t served with chips and peas. Fish in batter is a favourite although they are willing to allow a sausage with the proviso it contains neither herbs nor garlic

Leo.
Leo’s appetites are as large and genial as those of the sign’s spirit animal. Shepherds pie, beef stew, and anything on which you might sensibly pour custard are all greeted with roars of delight

Virgo.
Sushi, sashimi, raw vegetables and hummus. For some inexplicable reason the zodiac’s virgins like their food raw. It has been postulated that they equate cooking food with the removal of its virtue

Libra.
Baked goods of a complex nature appeal to this sign’s affinity with measuring devices. If you would ensnare a Libra with your culinary skills one would humbly suggest the croquembouche

Scorpio.
Just shove an unfeasibly large amount of booze in whatever you propose to feed a Scorpion. Boeuf bourguignon. Champagne sorbet. Chicken in cider. Get the buggers drunk and they will sing your praises forever.

Sagittarius.
The archer sees himself as a gourmet of endlessly refined tastes. Sadly, though, this illusion masks an insane desire for the pub grub incarnation of lasagne – complete with chips (fries if you are a colonial)

Capricorn.
This sign is characterised by the inability to sit still for more than five minutes. Ideally, then, hand held food of simple pedigree. Give the goat a pasty and he will be your slave forever.

Aquarius.
The house of responsibility. Requires to read the food map before eating anything. Ideal meal is locally sourced and heavily vegetable based. Borsch and spelt bread is an ideal. But do stand back when an Aquarian belched

Pisces.
It is perhaps surprising that Pisceans love to eat fish. It seems to resonate with some masochistic inner swimming thing. Salmon en croute is the absolute apogee of their imagination.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

Tree

Don’t stare at me
I’m just a tree
Don’t ask me what
I used to be
Just understand
That life’s a bitch
And it’s truly dumb
To annoy a witch

©️jj 2023

Weekend Wind Down – A Visit to The Dog and Onion

In a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

The Dog and Onion, was situated at the heart of what counted for the bad side of town in Viriconium. Here small retailers selling dubious items were squashed between nightclubs, gambling rooms and scantily disguised brothels. Above, between and around these were some of the cheapest rooms and apartments to let in the city.
Like most of the business and homes on its street, the taberna was a narrow fronted building which went back a long way. The street itself was also narrow with barely room for two vehicles to pass. Alleyways and car park entrances cut between the buildings, under the tunnel of their first floor rooms.
Most of the buildings were old and ill-maintained. If it had been in Eboracum, Dai reflected, they would have called it something interesting and turned it into a tourist spot, refurbishing the buildings, replacing the sex shops with gift shops, the brothels with fashionable boutiques,  and the nightclubs with eateries of various descriptions catering to broad tastes. If it had been in Londinium they would have gated the road at either end and thrown away the key. But here in Viriconium it provided habitation, employment, and what passed for entertainment, to the lowest strata of society. And any of the rest of society who liked to indulge themselves in such a way.
The last time Dai had been here it had been in broad daylight and then the area had looked grimy, run down and insalubrious. But night time was its element. There wasn’t enough street lighting to illuminate more than patches, but the various establishments made up for it with illuminated signs promising any variety of vice. There were shifting, multi-coloured lights emanating from the same open doors as the zing-tinkle of slot machines, and bursts of loud music as the bouncers opened and closed the doors to the nightclubs. The deep background thump-thump of loud bass beats, accompanied them, like an external heartbeat. The smell was a mix of overcooked streetfood, spilt alcohol, cheap perfume and fresh vomit.
Bryn seemed completely at home and even exchanged reserved nods with a couple of the local denizens. But that was to be expected. It was his job to know this place and fit in. For a moment, watching the older man stride confidently on, turning sideways to avoid a gaggle of half-drunk whores and their present companions, Dai felt a stab of envy. This had been him a year ago, prowling the streets of Londinium with the same superb assurance. But here in Viriconium his role was no longer that of street Vigiles and there were times he missed it badly.
Which was the real reason why, when Bryn suggested he come along, Dai hadn’t protested.
The taberna was busy, but not overwhelmingly so. The two of them managed to spot an empty table which they were heading towards when a large man wearing smartish tunic and trews and an ugly scowl intercepted them, grabbing Bryn by the arm.
“Not a good idea for you to be in here. We don’t cater for your kind.”
“My ‘kind’ being?” Bryn asked politely.
The large man nodded at Dai.
“Well, his kind to be precise. You would do better taking him along the road to the Aureum Pomum. They got things a bit more classy there. We don’t cater that way.”
Then Dai realised and felt an irrational sense of anger. Before he became a Citizen he was forever judged on his lack of status and now he was being judged on an excess of it. Bryn must have felt his mood shift because he smiled broadly at the large man blocking their way, then spoke in a pleasant and friendly tone.
“I suggest you let go of my arm and take your assumptions and stick them in your twll tin. Because you’ve read this so wrong it’s like you’ve mixed up the business news with the sports pages.”
The big man moved, but in the wrong way, and a moment later he was on the ground gasping with Bryn standing over him still wearing a friendly smile. Dai stepped forward and trapped his wrist with one foot, quite casually, as the downed man tried to reach for some weapon or other.
Around them people had pulled back chairs and stools, some edging away and some moving in. The atmosphere was as raw as blood on knife blade and Dai spared a moment to feel grateful they had a wall to their backs. Beneath his jacket he had a nerve whip, the non-lethal Citizen-only weapon, but he was reluctant to draw it here. Instead he shifted his stance to something more defensive.
Bryn was talking to the prone man.
“You must be new in here, fresh from the sticks?”
The man made a muffled grunt and tried to get up. Bryn might have been minded to allow him to, but before that could become clear, the gathering group around them parted and a woman who had to be in her late fifties or early sixties, with a plump figure and hard eyes, flanked by men with hard bodies and even harder eyes, kicked at the prone man quite viciously.
Any possible lingering idea that this was a sweet, rosy-cheeked middle-aged landlady vanished as she opened her mouth and demolished the unfortunate on the floor with a tirade of vicious profanity. When she had finished he seemed to have withered to half his original size and he scurried off, doubled over, vanishing through a door marked for staff use only.
The woman looked around at the audience they had gathered and made a circling gesture with one finger. “Show’s over. You can all get back to your drinks.”
The clientele of the place dispersed to the tables and conversation picked up almost immediately, with only the odd glance cast in the direction of Dai and Bryn to indicate the topic might not yet have moved on.
“So why is it every time you come in here you make trouble SI Cartivel?” The hard tone had gone to be replaced by a warm, friendly one with a hint of flirtation. That last became more obvious as the woman shifted her gaze to take in Dai – slowly, from head to toe. She was so clearly mentally undressing him that for a moment he almost felt naked.
“I wasn’t the one making trouble, Aoife,” Bryn protested. We just came by for a drink and a chat and your man decided to put himself in my face.”
“You’ll be ruining my trade bringing a Citizen in here. But don’t I remember him? Good looking bachgen like that is hard to forget. Isn’t he one of your Vigiles?”
“Something like that,” Bryn agreed easily. “Now about that drink and that chat.”

From Dying on the Mosaics by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago The seventh Dai and Julia Mystery, set in a Britain where the Roman Empire never left.

Much Dithering in Little Botheringham – Twenty-Five

An everyday tale of village life and vampires…

If Ginny had wondered in her heart of hearts what a meeting of a nest of vampires was going to be like she had never for one minute imagined this.
She knocked on Agnes’ back door with considerable trepidation. The woman who answered her knock was a stunning black-haired beauty dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt that proclaimed her allegiance to an American Football team of whom Ginny knew nothing.
“Hi. You must be Ginny. I’m Jamelia. Excuse the clothing. I’ve been at the estate getting the tenants association drilled in what it needs to do and haute couture would be right out of place.” Her voice was low and musical and Ginny had never felt quite so plain and gawky in her life.
She summoned a sickly grin. “I don’t think I own any haute couture.”
“Me neither, but then we are ordinary mortals not backed by the Vanderbilt billions.”
“Billions?” Ginny was shocked.
“Nothing like,” Jamelia admitted, then laughed. “It’s just compared to the rest of us it sometimes seems like it.”
Still smiling Jamelia took Ginny’s unresisting hands in both of hers and pulled gently. “No need to be shy, none of us bite.”
Ginny had to smile back at that and stepped inside. Her new sister, the thought was a good one, closed the door and then kissed Ginny on both cheeks in greeting.
“Welcome my sister. Now come and meet the rest.”
Agnes’ sitting room was comfortably untidy and four women sat, squashed together on a three seater settee, watching a horse race on the huge TV. They were transfixed by it, oblivious to Ginny’s arrival and suddenly all started shrieking.
Jamelia winced. “They have been boozing all afternoon. And Petunia reckoned she had a hot tip for the four o’clock at Kenton Park. It’s losing.”
The race drew to a close and three of the women piled on top of the fourth in joyfully childlike retribution. After a couple of minutes they sorted themselves out and Agnes noticed Ginny.
“Sorry about that, love,” she said comfortably. “I never heard you knocking.”
“You wouldn’t. Not with the noise you lot were making,” but Jamelia sounded affectionately amused.
Agnes grinned at her. “I take it you introduced yourself.” Jamelia sighed and nodded, and Agnes gave her a quick hug. “I do know you find it trying sometimes, love, but we can’t help what we are no more than you can help what you are.” Then she turned to make the necessary introductions. “Right Ginny. This is us. You know me and now Jamelia. This is Lilian. She’s a worse gossip than me.”
A tiny woman with beaded cornrows in her hair, and a face as wrinkled as a walnut, flipped Agnes the finger before offering Ginny the kiss of welcome. Ginny recognised her as the woman she had sat beside at the meeting of the Ladies’ Association.
“Here’s Ellen. Lesbian of this parish and shouty lefty.”
“Shut up Agnes.”
“See what I mean? Shouty.”
Ellen laughed and added a muscular hug to the kiss of sisterhood.
“The one who should be looking embarrassed because she just lost the rest of us a tenner is Petunia. Veterinary nurse and useful person as long as you never take her racing tips.”
Petunia grinned and blew Agnes a raspberry before kissing Ginny on both cheeks. “You look a darned sight better than the last time I saw you.”
Ginny remembered Agnes saying that Petunia had held her head while Em fed her blood and felt the blush rising over her face. Petunia grinned.
“Don’t be embarrassed by us. You are doing really well. When I was made I knew what was happening but I still screamed for the best part of a month.”
“You did indeed,” Agnes agreed, “but you’re a bloody exhibitionist.”
“And you’re a bloody old tart.”
The smiles and laughter made Ginny realise that this teasing was all good natured, just their way of showing sisterhood. She had seen it before, especially among those who had been brought up not showing affection. Jamelia caught her eye and smiled understanding.
“It’ll settle down in a minute. Be as good as gold once Em appears. But for now. More booze I suspect.”
“Someone say booze?” Agnes thrust a tall glass clinking with ice into Ginny’s hand. She sniffed it suspiciously.
Jamelia came to her rescue again. “Mojito.”
Ginny looked at the glass in some unease. “I don’t actually drink much nowadays. I shouldn’t want to make a fool of myself.”
“I don’t think you can make a fool of yourself with this lot. And anyway, you’re a vampire now. Means you have an all but bottomless capacity for alcohol. The worst you will ever get is mildly lit like them four. And no hangovers. Ever.”
Emboldened Ginny took a sip. The drink was sweet and minty and very much to her taste. Looking up, she saw Agnes was watching and toasted her with an upraised glass. The smile she got in return warmed her from the inside.

Part Twenty-Six of Much Dithering in Little Botheringham by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook, will be here next week.

Evaline

They said Daddy would be home soon. Every morning Evaline looked out of her window and wondered what they meant by soon. It had been winter when he went away. The day that it became spring she cried and Mummy held her gently.
“It’s not daddy’s fault.”
Summer followed spring, and autumn came too.
The picture outside her window changed, but the pain inside her heart stayed the same.
The first snows of a second winter were falling from a leaden sky when she saw a bulky figure crossing the square.
It was as if her feet became wings.
“Daddy!”

©Jane Jago

How To Speak Typo – Lesson 6

A dictionary for the bemused by Jane Jago

abyssmal (adjective) very craggy and deep usually used to describe wrinkles or bum cracks

acorss (slang) – as a matter of fact old chap

ahewad (noun) conspicuously large male genitalia

ancinet (noun) – medieval forerunner of the Internet involving running men carrying scrolls

bo liek (slang) – diarrhoea

bearst (noun) – feminine chest hair

cintip (adjective) – of hairdressers unreliable with scissors 

dregde (adjective) – looking as if one has seen the ghost of one’s ex-husband staring out of the lavatory pan

ewrror (noun) – a mistake made when describing something disgusting

finsing (indefinite form of the verb to finse) – finding oneself in the window of a department store naked but for a bucket on one’s head

mena – (noun) the postmenopausal thoughts of a small lavender elephant

pis hood (noun) a garment for exceptionally inclement weather

scrathing (verb to scrath) – placing one’s nether regions on the platen of a photocopier for a jolly jape

thta (noun) – small marsupial with orange buttocks and purple furry ears

wevy (adjective) of hair having the tendency to point in all directions

woudl (noun) – Cornish nose flute music best heard from a very great distance

yest (noun) – sludgy stuff in the bottom of drip trays behind the bar in a not particularly hygienic pub

Disclaimer: all these words are genuine typos defined by Jane Jago. The source of each is withheld to protect the guilty.

The River Tree

It never seemed fair to Tammy. Why was it when autumn came that all the trees kept their green except the River Tree? 

Sitting in her wheelchair, she wondered if he was sad when his glorious green mantle turned red and gold, then lifted away with the wind, leaving him standing gaunt on the riverbank.

He alone must die whilst those trees around him stayed green and strong.

Tammy watched the sunset, golden behind the River Tree. At least he would come alive again in the spring. Maybe she would still be too, so she could see him return.

E.M. Swift-Hook

Madame Pendulica’s Prophetic Prognostications – Drinking

Take this exclusive opportunity to consult the wisdom of the mysteriously enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries.
The snowball. Yes. There is a star sign out there that is attracted to eggy drinks with the texture of snot…


Taurus.
Vodka and coke. The bull has no taste at all for alcohol but very much enjoys the sensation of being as drunk as an artilleryman.


Gemini.

Hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallow. The addition of Tia Maria often produces amusing results.

Cancer.
Craft beer. Preferably one with a ‘witty’ name. There is very little that amuses a crab more than sidling up to the bar and ordering two pints of Sweaty Scrotum.


Leo.
Leos will generally drink whatever you put in front of them. But. On no account do shots with a Leo. They get very growly.

Virgo.
This sign is a devotee of the mocktail (pauses to allow nausea to pass). The favourite? By no coincidence. A Virgin Mary.


Libra.
Complicated cocktails with many ingredients that have to be carefully calibrated. Or Jägerbombs, on which they rapidly become spitefully mathematical.


Scorpio.
A pint of anything normally served in shot glasses. And they will drink you under the table before stealing your wallet and drawing a penis on your face with indelible pen.


Sagittarius.
This sign is oddly old fashioned when it comes to booze – being firmly stick in the 1960s. The Harvey Wallbanger is considered by Saggitarians to be the height of sophistication, even if it does taste like cough medicine.

Capricorn.
The goat likes little more than a pint of Guinness, unless it’s two pints of Guinness with a packet of crisps (chips to colonials) and a pickled egg.


Aquarius.
Don’t even… Well if we must. English wine or locally made beer. Both of which, ideally, should be delivered to the front door by a horny-handed son of the soil driving a Citroen Dyan.


Pisces.

If you wondered where all the world’s Prosecco had gone. Blame Pisceans who drink it on girls’ nights. Males of this sign like a nice bottle of red with assorted cheeses.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

Old Bench

Old bench in the falling leaves
So many secrets heard
Lovers and children hand in hand
Speaking without a word
The wooden bench a secret place
Where promises are made
Waits as leaves fall from the sky
In a quiet forest glade

©️jane jago ‘23

Weekend Wind Down – Parthian Shot

Jenny is still scarred by an abusive relationship. Includes adult content

The voice outside changed tack, instead of screaming insults it became smooth and insinuating. “Jenny, Jenny. You know you can’t hide from me. And you know you have to be punished.”
Jenny felt herself wilting as the promise of a life back in his hands, pressed down on her like a pair of clammy claws and pulled every inch of resistance out of her soul. She lay her head on the table and all she could understand was the slow burn of tears leaking from her eyes. Mike bent over her.
“That isn’t happening, Jenny love. My word on it. You just stay there and I’ll send him on his way with a flea in his ear.”
Even in extremis she needed to warn Mike so she forced her voice to work. “Be careful. He’s dangerous.”
“When it comes to your safety, so am I.”
He went out, walking purposefully, and Jenny heard him open the door. She listened
“Yes?”
For a moment there was no response.
“I’m looking for my wife.”
“Your what?”
“My…. My ex-wife.”
“Ex isn’t the same as yours.”
Jenny could all but see Graham puffing himself up for attack, and she was rather surprised when he said nothing. She was beginning to hope he would just go away when he spoke again.
“Look. I don’t know who you are but you shouldn’t be taken in by Miss Innocent Jenny. She isn’t what she seems at all…”
Mike broke in and his voice was full of cold contempt.
“If I was you, I’d leave right now. While you can. You are contemptible and I am finding it very hard not to beat you to a pulp.”
The sound of a siren announced the imminent arrival of the police and Jenny rather thought Graham would make a run for it. He didn’t, though, and she could hear the hideously familiar sound of his heavy breathing as he worked himself up into a rage.
“You just tell her from me that she shouldn’t ever sleep soundly, because I will get her. And this time it’ll be her face. I’ll gladly do the time to ruin her like she ruined me. See how you like her when I mark her face…”
He stopped abruptly, making a peculiar whinnying noise instead of further spreading his poison.
“Shut up, you bastard. You might not be afraid of prison, but you should be afraid of me.”
There was silence save for the sound of heavy breathing and then a car stopping in the road. The clump clump of deliberate footsteps sounded on the path and an unfamiliar voice spoke.
“Ah. We’ve been looking for this gentleman. He’s already broken his parole conditions, and now this. He’s just booked himself a taxi straight back to prison. Thanks for finding him.”
“You’re entirely welcome.”
There was the sound of a scuffle.
“Keep still, will you…. Okay. Drop him.”
The high keening noise that was Graham’s reaction to not getting his own way went on for quite a while. Eventually, Jenny could only assume he had been subdued as the noise subsided.
“Okay. On your feet.”
Just as Jenny thought she might be able to breathe again, Graham fired his Parthian shot.
“Just remember if you do get my dear wife into bed, she likes a bit of pain with her pleasure. Comes really hard if you throttle her.”
The sounds from outside became confused then, but Jenny couldn’t compute them anyway. All she could think was that Graham was going to win again with his lies that everyone believed. A few words had poisoned her life and plunged her back into the grey fog of hopelessness. That bright chimera of hope she had been allowing herself to feel at last had been extinguished by the same lie that had driven her from her home. She could barely draw breath for the lancing pain in her chest, and somehow it didn’t seem to matter anyway.
She wasn’t aware of crawling into the corner of the kitchen, but she mush have done so, because when she came to herself there was a pair of denim-clad legs in her eyeline. Mike bent down and put out a hand. At first she cringed away, expecting a blow, or a gesture of repudiation. He did neither thing. Instead he laid that gentle hand on her cheek.
“Oh. Jenny love. Don’t cry so.”
It was only then that Jenny realised she was shaking like a wet kitten, while her whole body was racked by shattering sobs. Looking into his face she saw nothing but caring concern and when he held out his arms she crawled into his embrace like a child in search of comfort.
He stood up with her still in his arms and carried her over to where he could sit down on the floor in a patch of sunshine. Jenny hadn’t known she had so many tears left in her, but it felt like some sort of release to let it all out so she laid her face against the softness of his t-shirt and just cried. He said nothing, and nor did he move except to gently stroke her back.
When the worst of the storm had passed she lifted her face and tried for a smile.
“Sorry Mike.”
He shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s that piece of ordure should be sorry, but I don’t think he is.”
“No. He’s not wired to feel remorse. Even if he gets caught out in wrongdoing, in his mind it’s always somebody else’s fault.”
She moved to get off Mike’s lap and he let her go. When she stood up he uncurled himself from the floor and stood beside her, although he was obviously being careful not to intrude on her personal space. Somehow Jenny didn’t want that, so she walked back into his arms.
Tilting her head, she looked into his worried eyes.
“Thank you. I think I must have been needing that meltdown for a long time, because I actually feel stronger for it.” Then she said the thing that had to be said. “I’ll understand if it’s all too much and you need to step away from me.”
He just wrapped his arms tighter around her. “Not happening, Jenny love. I’m here. And here I’ll stick.” He rubbed his face in her hair. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
“I want to try. How about coffee in the sitting room, where we can sit on the sofa and talk? I think if you cuddle me I can be brave enough to tell you all the things you need to know.”
So it was that they sat cuddled together on Jenny’s big sofa and she said a lot of things she he had never said before.

From Jenny a novel about surviving abuse by Jane Jago

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