Telling an entire story in just one hundred words…

It happened again.

It had happened once already. She was sure. Just as she took the key from her pocket, the door opened by itself. 

Or had that been in a dream?

An oddly familiar tension gripped her stomach as she hesitated on the threshold.

Burglars? Poltergeists? Had she forgotten to shut the door when going out?

It was like rethinking the thoughts, standing in a reflection of herself, watching an event that had already happened. 

“Is that you dear?” Her mother’s voice. The sudden familiarity banishing the demons of déjà vu. “I let myself in and put the kettle on.”

E.M. Swift-Hook

Jacintha Farquhar, maternal parent of Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV offers important life lessons to those who like to think they’ve got what it takes to write a damn book…

es, it is me. Jacintha. Struggling to be sober enough to write something sufficiently significant to be worthy of putting out in public, which is more than many of you lot try to do.
I have been making a point of reading you ‘indie’ authors a bit over the last few weeks and I have to say there are some really stunning books out there that you people have written. Wonderful, captivating and more than worth my Kindle Unlimited sub five times over. Well, maybe not that good, but pretty damn good.
I must also say there is also some really dreadful drek which some of you seem to feel you have a right to inflict on the rest of us. The sort of writing that, were I the author, I would be embarrassed to put my name to it.
So maybe I can address some of the problems from the drek pile.

Too Many Heads

Oh. My. Effing. God.
I have no idea what it is with you writers, but get behind the wheel of a story and the first thing you want to do is tell it from five thousand different perspectives. Either by hopping from head to head like a libidinous frog, which I surely have no need to tell you is a terrible idea, or by having a character change break every other page.
No.
Don’t do it.

In my extremely humble opinion as a mere reader of your wonderful creative ramblings, I can spot a newbie a mile off by the fact it is page thirty and I have already run through five or six different characters’ heads like a bad dose of Montezuma’s revenge.
There seems to be this conviction that every last detail of the story has to be fed to the reader in a scene through a character – and sometimes the same scene from more than one character as there was this tiny nuance the reader might miss. I blame those so-called creative writing classes who ram ‘show don’t tell’ so far up the jacksie of every would-be writer that they are incapable of writing a sentence that says ‘It was snowing’ but have to write ‘The soft bosomy whiteness settled from the skies upon the reluctant face of mother earth.’ So they then think they have to ‘show’ every last effing nuance of the whole damn plot!
No.
No.
And again …NO!

If Shakespeare managed to have action take place ‘offstage’ and still keep his audiences at fever pitch, you can too – unless you are a truly crap writer in which case go back to reading until you’ve learned how to do it better and stop inflicting your vile ‘brain babies’ on a long-suffering world.

Gods I need a drink now, where did I put the tequila and pernod?

So, let me try and explain this again for those of you at the back who were busy on your smartphones.

(1) Before you write your book choose no more than four characters (and that is pushing the limits) through whom you can tell your story and accept that now and then you will have to find some other way than character presence to explain to the reader something that has happened. And yes, there can be one ‘guest’ POV in the book as well, but no more. You. Can. Do. It.

(2) Do not think you have to give your reader insight into every last damn thought of every last damn character. You don’t. Those that really matter can be conveyed to the reader through your POV character. That is what good writers do. Yes. Really.

If you don’t learn these lessons, you’ll be dug deep and drowning in the drek pile for life and good luck to you.

Now bugger off the lot of you, I want to watch the reruns of Bridgerton in peace.

Jacintha Farquar, who strongly wishes she could deny being the mother of Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV.

You can find more of my son’s ramblings in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago, but only if you are truly masochistic!

It’s November now
Chilly rain and fog
Wind shakes the house
Like a wet smelly dog
It’s November now
Nights are growing long
But leaves still hang on bony trees
Like forgotten notes of a song

©️jj 2024

Dying to be Roman by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook is a whodunit set in an alternative modern day Britain where the Roman Empire still rules.

As she wavered on the edge of tears there came a polite tap on the door. Boudicca stepped away from Decimus as he straightened his spine.
“Come.”
The Praetorian who came into the room looked about as shocked as it is possible for a properly hard man to be.
“Report, man.”
“Sorry dominus. Marcella Tullia Junius. We went to her apartment. There was nobody there. At least nobody alive. There was a dead servant, female, poison suspected, and two lap dogs.” The man stopped and Julia could see a muscle working in his cheek. He got himself together and carried on. “Two lap dogs. You know sir, them little balls of fluff. My mother has one, it’s a soft little thing. They was kicked to death.”
Julia could understand the soldier’s repugnance and gave him the ghost of a smile. He thanked her with his eyes before pressing on.
“We thought that whoever had taken the lady must have killed her dogs before abducting her. But it doesn’t seem as if that can be true. One of the neighbours saw her leaving. On the arm of a very well dressed man. Overheard her saying that all loose ends were now tied up.”
“Good man,” Decimus spoke kindly. “Cut along now and get yourself a big drink. Tell them I said.”
When the door had closed behind the obviously shaken man, Julia looked at Decimus.
“Cold culpa,” she said before pouring a cup of mead and draining it in one gulp. “One assumes,” she spoke carefully lest her voice shake, “that Domina Marcella had no more use for her lap dogs.”
“So it would appear,” Dai sounded just as sick as she felt. “And can anybody tell me why that seems worse than killing her servant?”
“I can,” Boudicca volunteered, “them animals was small and helpless and she will have petted and spoiled them until she turned on them. I’m doubting whether the servant was ever a pet and she must have known what sort of person her mistress was.”
Julia lifted one small shoulder and spoke softly.
“Indeed. I just don’t think we’ll ever find their mistress and that disturbs me almost more than I can say. But for now I have to go and make a long and complicated call.”
Dai offered her a conspiratorial look.
“You want me to come and hold your hand?”
“Tempting. But I won’t put you in the firing line. Himself is liable to fry my ears until he calms down.”
“Wait with me,” Decimus said with gruff entreaty, “I could do with another drink and somebody to talk to.”
Dai looked uncomfortable and Boudicca favoured him with a singularly charming smile.
“You are all right,” she said. “I’ve got work.”
She kissed Decimus and rolled out of the room. Julia followed her, trying very hard not to laugh at the men’s faces.
“Score one to you,” she said as the door shut behind them.
Boudicca laughed and clapped Julia on the shoulder with one meaty hand.
“You need not worry about Decimus. I’ll look after him.”
She headed for wherever, leaving Julia to make for the comms room and a secure line to the Praetor.

Part XIX will be here next week. If you can’t wait to find what happens next you can snag the full novella here.

Things that make us go poop…

Granny and the ‘ladies’ darts team of The Dog and Trumpet alphabetically collate their collective contempt for the inhabitants of the twenty-first century.

E is for: Educational Snobbery (subtitled Not Everybody Needs an Effing Degree)

What is the ever-****ing matter with society? If a person wants to be a carpenter (or a plumber, or a mechanic, or whatever) that doesn’t make them any less of a human being than someone who has ambitions towards more academic achievement. But we seem to be absolutely hell-bent on shoving the young into the often unwelcoming arms of academia no matter their ambitions or abilities. 

And what benefit does a barely scraped BA in tree hugging confer on its possessor?  Mainly none. Except, perhaps, at least one STD and an enormous load of debt.

Which must lead the less blinkered to ask themselves why it is okay to sneer at anyone whose education hasn’t progressed past A-level standard. The answer to that is it isn’t okay.

To illustrate the point:

There are three ‘ladies’ in the darts team and we grew up in the close proximity of a small town. The first went away to university, returning with a pretty acceptable MSc and a useless twot of a husband. One messy divorce and a second (happy) marriage to a gentleman of the soil persuaded her that academic excellence isn’t the holy grail. The second stayed in the home town, where she became a nurse (this was an apprenticeship in our day, not a degree course). She remained defiantly single, and retired with a comfortable pension after working for nearly fifty years. The third girl, who rebelled against expectations at a very early age, left school with two GCSEs and a swimming badge, although she did amass a lot of very useful skills as she aged (including tax accounting and lock picking). She and her (late and genuinely lamented) spouse ran a series of very successful businesses and retired with sufficient money to buy most of the town should they have so desired.

Three wildly divergent paths then, but we’ve remained fast friends and staunch allies through thick and thin. The broad spectrum of our formal education has proved no barrier to friendship. And as Brenda, who is our de facto leader by virtue of her purple hair, would have it. 

‘An education is f*** all use if you are a lazy sod. But all the hard work in the world won’t get you anywhere if you aren’t prepared to learn.’

But back to Educational Snobbery. Most people you are going to encounter in this life will be militantly disinterested in where you went to school. And, unless they require your professional services, bored to yawning by the collection of letters you can append to your name.

So all you proud public school boys, and people who have their BA as part of their Internet identity, remove your head from your anus and get a life please. Nobody cares. Nobody much notices. And those who do will just think you are either a right-wing weirdo or a bellend.

Honestly? In 2024 knowing a plumber has far more social cachet than being the intimate of some posh twat with messy hair and a lot of illegitimate children…

Things are not quite how you might remember them in the 100 Acre Wood for Christopher Robin, Pooh Bear and their friends…

***** ***** *****

Jane Jago

Writing inspired by the art of Ian Bristow

Reynard sat in the sun. It lit his fur and warmed him to his bones. He had almost everything a fox could need. Except a mate. He half closed his eyes and saw her against his eyelids as svelte, and smooth, and subtle as a snake.
When he heard the voice, he thought himself dreaming at first, but the  he realised it was a real happening and he looked to where the sound came from.
She sat about two feet from him basking in the same sunbeam that warmed him.
When the sun went in they walked the night together.

 Jane Jago

Ian is an awesome artist and cover designer, you can find his work at Bristow Design.

Things that make us go poop…

Granny and the ‘ladies’ darts team of The Dog and Trumpet alphabetically collate their collective contempt for the inhabitants of the twenty-first century.

So this is a bonus one it being that time of year…

E is for: Effing Fireworks!

What is the effing point of effing fireworks?
At any time.
They might look pretty for all of about ten seconds, but they leave disgusting litter all over the place when they come down that is positively toxic and someone always gets hurt.
At least the Americans, when they do it, is all about celebration – not remembering some poor bastard who got hung, drawn and quartered for failing to do something we’ve all fantasised about. And our colonial cousins have the sense to choose a nice warm time of year when you can sit out and watch the ruddy things without freezing your bollocks off.
But Brits on Bonfire Night?
Has no one noticed it’s November and freezing cold?
You stand shivering in your wellies in someone’s muddy effing garden and a drunk man in shorts sets fire to some stuff.
In November. In the cold.
Drinking iced strong lager and usually served some burnt offerings from the BBQ or break-teeth chestnuts thrown on the fire. And then you wind up with a jacket potato that’s raw in the middle, ditto a sausage…
Meanwhile your nextdoor neighbour’s cat has scratched someone in panic and your great-nephew little Oliver has singed his sister’s hair with a sparkler.
And then it always rains just as the fireworks begin.
We swore off the whole thing years ago and now me and Gyp turn the TV up and settle in on the sofa with a decent boxed set.
The sheer waste of money and effort beggars belief – not to mention you have frightened pets and toddlers all across the country whose idea of fun is not loud bangs and flashes.
And it’s not even as though it all gets over and done on the one sodding day!
Remember, remember the fifth of November…
Not the fourth, the third, the seventh or the ninth!
If you must set fire to your money please at least confine your efforts to one day so the rest of us don’t have to endure a whole bloody week of it.
Get a grip or granny and the girls will shove a riprap up your arse.

Jacintha Farquhar, maternal parent of Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV offers important life lessons to those who like to think they’ve got what it takes to write a damn book…

Jacintha Farquhar here again. Slightly the worse for life but still able to muster a thought or two. 

Rather bewildered by two sad females thinking their readership might benefit from my rather robust advice – particularly considering the sad steaming ordure my only offspring thinks of as his magnum opus. (There are times when he is very like the sad excuse for a human being who fathered him on one distinctly unmemorable ouzo-fuelled night. Unfortunately.) But if people have faith in you, you are kind of obligated to do your best. 

Today’s lesson concerns the thing most badly written about of all. If you discount lerv (which one may dabble in at a later date).

Lovemaking

The awful remembrance of just how large was my hangover on the morning after Moons was conceived, and the equally awful recollection, after much rummaging about in the grey matter, of how small and uninteresting was his father’s penis dragged my consciousness round to the elephant that sits in the corner of most rooms. 

Sex.

Okay. 

Let’s deal with the givens first. A sexually mature couple – whatever their gender or orientation is liable to dabble. Accept it and decide how you are going to deal.

You have options.

1. The drawn curtain
2. A peep between the sheets
3. Erotica 
4. Porn

Before you decide which avenue to investigate there are a couple of ground rules you will ignore at your peril. 

First. Before you set finger to keyboard, have a proper think about the age and experience of your protagonists. A pair of virgins is unlikely to leap straight into wildly imaginative sexcapades. The likelihood is that you will, if you choose not to gloss over the whole thing, be describing awkward fumbling, embarrassment and a very short-lived experience. Conversely, a forty-year old libertine is unlikely to be unmanned by a pair of blue eyes.

Second. Do. Your. Research. If you have any specific practices in mind, read them up, and establish both the physical possibility and the likelihood of such an act occurring between your chosen couple. 

Third. Avoid bandwagons. However many shades of whatever colour has been done already. Leave it alone….

And finally – do at least try sex before you attempt to write about it. Ideally you should try what you intend to write about, but I’m guessing that is unlikely amongst the assorted virgins, snowflakes, and prudes who are likely to be reading this. Porn sites are your friend.

Returning to our quartet of options…

It is my contention that in most cases only A and B are practicable alternatives. Most of your readers will be perfectly well aware that Tab A fits into Slot B so description of the mechanics is at best superfluous, and at worst cringeworthy. Be warned.

Let’s look at some examples…

Example A wherein it is pretty obvious what is going to occur but we the bedroom door is closed before anything actually happens.

He laughed and scooped me into a very satisfactory embrace.
“Who’s a clever girl then?”
“Me. And would there be a reward in it?”
His grin turned naughty, and we forgot all about our hosts and their problems.

Example B which is a little more descriptive

I dropped my bottom onto his lap and I knew what his problem was. He had a most impressive erection. I wriggled my backside, feeling the responsive jerk. He grabbed me by the shoulders.
“You better stop doing that unless you mean it.” he said very quietly.
I smiled into his eyes and wriggled some more.

As to C and D. Well they are more chacun a son gout. And to be bleakly honest if you need my advice you have neither the experience nor the balls to write them.

Now push off and get some experience of something that isn’t missionary position with the lights off….

Jacintha Farquar, put-upon mother of Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV.

You can find more of my son’s ramblings in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago, but I wouldn’t bloody bother if I were you!

Cold rain falls and hard winds blow
No, no, November, no, no.
Heavy clouds that threaten snow
No, no, November, no, no.

Plants and trees no longer grow
No, no, November, no, no.
All the fields lie fallow
No, no, November, no, no.

Cold sets faces all aglow
No, no, November, no, no.
Chills each finger and each toe
No, no, November, no, no.

Autumn soon we will see go
No, no, November, no, no.
Winter waits her face to show
No, no, November, no, no.

Cold rain falls, there’s talk of snow
No, no, November, no, no.
But should our spirits be low?
No, no, November, no, no.

Eleanor Swift-Hook