Granny’s Pearls of Wisdom – Odd Socks

Pearls of wisdom from an octogenarian who’s seen it all…

Why do I have a drawerful of odd socks? I don’t buy odd socks. I don’t make a habit of taking off one sock and leaving it somewhere random. I don’t make a hole in one sock of every pair.

So where do the single socks come from?

Some of them aren’t even from pairs I have ever owned.

Does the washing machine eat socks?

Is there a sock fairy stealing them?

I have no bloody idea. 

But what I do know is that there’s only one way to deal.

Just wear pairs of odd socks and insist it’s the height of fashion…

Darkling Drabble 7

A darkling drabble offers a shiver of horror in a hundred words…

She picked up the little ghost in the hospital mortuary. It was barely more than a toddler and had been so severely brutalised in life that it couldn’t find any way forward.

When she beckoned, it came, with loneliness furrowing its insubstantial brow.

“There’s room for a small one,” she smiled and it hopped on board quickly as if afraid she might change her mind.

When they touched, the little creature’s loneliness brought her as close to tears as she was able to be.

“Can we find him?”

“I think we can, and you shall watch me drink his blood.”

Jane Jago

Word of the Day – Egocentric

In an effort to educate the nominally literate and inform those with sufficient humility to understand their own lack of comprehension, Esme offers the correct definition of misunderstood words…

Egocentric 

  1. (adjective – pronunciation note: ego centre ic) Describes a person who seeks to place themselves at the centre of any situation. Example: Being egocentric, Chloe Chatterton managed to get herself indicted for a murder that happened when she was in a completely different country.
  2. (noun – pronunciation note: eggy centre ice) Ice cream with a runny yellow centre. Example: The egocentric yolk made Hugo vomit.

If you have any words whose meaning escapes you, Esme Crockford is always happy to share her lexicographical knowledge and penetrating insight into the English language.

Dai and Julia – The Interrogation

In a modern-day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

The Vigiles House occupied the back corner of the Basilica Viriconia so it was not too long a waddle for Julia to get there. She and Edbert were shown into Bryn’s office as he was just setting up a monitor screen on one wall. He looked over as the door opened and addressed the Vigiles officer escorting them in. “Fetch the Domina a comfortable chair, Dougal and a decent spiced tea.”
“No milk,” Julia said quickly as the Vigiles vanished briefly from sight, then returned with a cushioned chair which he placed with a good view of the screen before disappearing through the door again.
“Make yourselves comfortable,” Bryn said and pointed to the screen which now showed an interview room with a single occupant. A nervous, scrawny man, dressed in a shabby coat under which could be seen a filthy-looking tunic. “I’ll be in there.”
Julia frowned and was about to ask what this was about, but Bryn had already swept up a folder from his desk and left the office. A short time later they saw him enter the interview room and run through the preliminaries of any interrogation. The man gave his name as Hepple Shalko and kept repeating that he hadn’t done anything wrong and didn’t know anything about nothing at all.
Bryn ignored that and cut to the chase as soon as the preliminaries were done.
“The reason you are here is that you told one of my Vigiles you’d seen a boat being loaded with cargo beside the forest. Do you remember saying that?” “Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. I don’t rightly recall now.”
“We both know that you did, Hepple and unless you want to wind up getting accused of being complicit in the abduction of a Roman official, you might want to think very carefully about what it is you remember.”
“But I didn’t have nothing to do with no abduction.”
The scrawny man sounded more confused than upset by the accusation. “You can’t say I did.”
“Oh I can,” Bryn assured him. “I can and I will. And that would earn you a starring role in the main feature in the Arena.”
This time the protests were more voluble and frightened. Bryn sat back and linked his hands behind his head.
“So convince me, Hepple. Tell me what you did see and then maybe I might believe you weren’t involved.”
The redoubtable Dougal returned at that moment with a quite palatable spiced tea. Julia sipped at it as Hepple, prompted along by a persistent, thorough and patient Bryn, unburdened himself of what he had seen. It became clear that Hepple Shalko was a poacher. He had been out checking snares he had set in the forest beside the canal.
“I weren’t so close as I could see for sure but there were four of them, all wearing those face hoods, black ones. They had a boy with them. He was shouting and trying to pull away. That was what had made me go look in the first place. I heard that shout.”
“What was the boy shouting?” Bryn asked.
“Well, I’m not rightly sure.” Hepple looked unhappy.
“I think you are,” Bryn told him, “and it could be important. I need you tell me everything I think is important if we’re going to get you off the hook.”
The scrawny man licked at his lips as if they were too dry.
“It were ‘help’ he were shouting. Just that.”
For a moment Julia felt her heart break at the thought of Felix calling for help and no one being there. No one except this man who had, by his own account, done nothing, gone back to his snares and headed home with an unburdened conscience. The sole reason he had reported it was because when he went to the local taberna one of Bryn’s Vigiles had been in there offering to buy drinks for anyone who had something worthwhile to tell her. Even then he had only said that the boat had been loading cargo. Nothing about the child calling for help. It was only because Bryn had followed up on that and sent people to find Shalko that he was telling them now. Pathetic as he might be, Julia could not forgive him that.
The details came out slowly, along with a vague description of the boat and an eventual admission that there had been two bodies loaded aboard as well. By the end, Julia was gripping into the arms of her chair with fingers like claws. Edbert put a hand on her shoulder as the interview finished.
“You need to keep relaxed. It’s not good for the baby.”
This time she snapped. “If you or anyone else dares to tell me to calm down for the sake of the baby, I will lose my temper completely – which I assure would be much worse for whoever I lose it at than it would for my baby.”
Edbert removed his hand and just looked at her.
She glared back. “You expect me to sit here and hear about Felix calling for help and my husband’s body being…”
Then she was crying and hating herself for doing so. Edbert swept her up in a bear hug and held her close. It didn’t last long and by the time Bryn had come back to the office, she was restored even if probably still a bit puffy-eyed. If he noticed that, Bryn had the good grace and common sense not to comment.

An extract from Dying to be Fathers a Dai and Julia Mystery by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook

How To Be Old – A Beginner’s Guide! (15)

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

I am old, and I don’t give a shit
About gravity’s work on my bits
I’m not some humble dame
Who can be ‘body shamed’
By a halfwit with silicone tits

© jane jago

Strange Place Between

After the equinox, before Halloween
October falls in that strange place between
And has become a time that means much to me
After the equinox, before Halloween.

The last month of long days before the clocks change
The last month for sunshine afore colder ways
The high month of autumn and her golden sheen
After the equinox, before Halloween.

But for me October holds some special glow
For of all the people I have come to know
October is when the birthdays seem to be
Of those friends I most cherish, who mean most to me.

So I think there’s a magic in October’s span
Something quite precious that makes me a fan
Of that enchanted time that falls in between
After the equinox, before Halloween.

Eleanor Swift-Hook

Aeva’s Challenge – III

A tale of angels, demons and dragons…

After he spoke, the silence in the chamber was such that it scraped against the nerve endings. Aeva broke that silence, although she could hear the strain in her own voice she said that which needed saying.
“The female to whom my father gifted my wings.”
In an instant she found herself surrounded by a ring of steel and corded muscle.
“Abomination.”
Voice after voice around the Chamber of Guardians took up the refrain and The Guardians hissed as Lucifer eyed them all bleakly. He seemed to be fighting some sort of internal battle as all sorts of lumps, bumps and eruptions were happening under his gleaming golden skin. Then he bulked his shoulders dangerously and made a hooking motion with his left hand. For a second, nothing happened, then a portal opened in the insubstantial air and a screaming, fighting, swearing creature was pulled through onto the Chamber floor. She, for the creature was a demoness, sat up. She happened to be facing away from her Master who had so abruptly summoned her.
“Who dares touch a creature of The Dark Lord?” The voice was harsh and truculent.
Lucifer said nothing, but his eyes must have been burning holes in her back, as she turned around slowly. When she realised where she was some of her bluster left her.
“Dark Lord.” Now her voice was honeyed and dripped sensuality.
Aeva laughed, and the demoness’ head snapped around as if it was on a spring.
“You,” she hissed and bunched her muscles to spring.
“Sile (be still),” Aeva spoke quietly, but with the full authority of her status and the demoness stopped moving.
Lucifer frowned, but the Inquisitor was not to be intimidated.
“She lives, Dark Lord. Considering that which she bears on her back I would be within my rights to stop her breath.”
“If those are indeed your wings, you do have that right.”
“Oh yes. Those are the wings stolen from my body. I feel them call.”
“Don’t listen to her Dear My Lord. She is just a jealous half-blood who nobody wants.”
Lucifer looked at his creature for a moment before reaching out a hand. The stiff figure of the demoness slid across the floor to where her master stood. He put a hand on her forehead and she seemed to shrink into herself. It took but a moment for a Lucifer to read her memories and when he had made himself cognisant of the facts he slapped the demoness across her face. She screamed a high and tearing scream so he slapped her again.
“Deceit is not permissible. You lied to me. And I indulged you because it amused me so to do. It no longer suits my purpose.” The female cringed and Lucifer laughed at her fears. “Belphegor,” he called, “attend your master.”
The bang and smell of sulphur were as nothing compared to the hulking bestiality of the creature who stood in the centre of the place staring adoringly at his master from muddy yellow eyes. Lucifer smiled and the creature bent the knee.
“Belphegor, you have long been wishful of taking a mate have you not?”
“I have.” The demon’s voice was thick with unrequited lusts and the love of pain. It scraped on Aeva’s nerves like talons on a chalkboard, but she knew when to keep her mouth shut and this truly was one of those times.
Lucifer smiled, but it was a smile that spoke of agony and degradation. He pointed a finger at Ishta. “Behold your mate. You may do with her as you will. Except that you may not kill her.”
Belphegor wiped the drool from his chin and the demoness tried to curl herself into a ball as if to keep away from his questing hands. But of course it was no good, and even when Aeva released her stasis spell, Ishta was still held like a bug on a pin.
Her new mate bent over her, and by the way she cringed his breath must have been truly foul. He took from his pocket an iron collar which he placed about Ishta’s neck. As he attached a leash of steel links to his new toy he laughed – a gut-wrenching pitiless laugh.
“The leman of my life’s enemy is now mine to punish. How you shall suffer my pretty.”
He turned to drag her away and Lucifer spoke once more. “Belphegor. Your mate has no need of wings.”
Aeva closed her eyes, but the sound of wrenching bone and sinew and bitter stinging tears all but brought her to her knees. When she looked again the demons were gone and her beautiful wings lay abandoned on the ground. It took a supreme effort of will not to bend and stroke their iridescent feathers.
“Would you have your wings returned?” It was Thor’s thunderous tones that asked the question every other guardian was holding back.
Aeva felt the tears on her cheeks, but made no attempt to brush them away. “Of course I would have my wings, if I could. But it is not possible. My back would no longer carry their weight and I would be crippled by beauty. Worse than that, though, they would perish should they ever touch my skin.”
Thor turned his eternal eyes on the now squirming figure of Lucifer.
“Can this be?”
“Yes. Sadly it can. And if it is the curse of a father it cannot be broke.”
Thor lifted his mighty hammer and struck the ground a fearsome blow, Aeva’s wings lifted from the floor and flew to the back of the Dragonbone Throne where they settled on the very top and melded into the fabric of the polished bone until they became part of the carved decoration, whilst retaining their iridescent colour and the delicacy of the feathers that had formed them.
“Your wings are now immortal.”
Aeva dragged in a breath, but could think of nothing to say.
Lucifer, who seemed to have been communing with somebody or something, disappeared with a loud bang. Thor sighed, but before he could frame any words Lucifer returned. He was grinning fangily and carried something over his shoulder. It was a pair of dark leathery wings.
“Is that what I think it is?”
“Oh yes. I warned him what would happen if his uncontrolled passions embarrassed me one more time.” He turned his burning yellow eyes on Aeva. “Do you want them?”
“No, Dark Lord, I do not.”
He snapped his strangely jointed fingers together and the wings disappeared. Instead there was something small and glittering laid in the marble floor. The Dark Guardian bent his knees and picked the thing up in his talons. It was a chain of that black gold which can be found only in the deepest heart of Lucifer’s own kingdom, and he threw it over Aeva’s head. It nestled against her skin with all the warmth of a lover’s touch and her Fighters fell to the ground shielding their eyes.
“What is it?” she asked. “Why do you bow down to me?” She was truly frightened now but too proud to let it show.
By way of an answer Isis produced a small mirror from somewhere about her person and held it out. Aeva looked. Then wished she hadn’t. About her throat there was a writhing snake and in its mouth it held a pair of gleaming diamond wings.

Aeva’s Challenge by Jane Jago will continue next week.


Granny’s Pearls of Wisdom – Excessive Gentility

Pearls of wisdom from an octogenarian who’s seen it all…

Ladies of a certain age/type get right on my norks. You know the ones I mean, those whose sneezes sound like a tiny cricket chirping, and who would die of embarrassment if they farted alone in an empty room.

I know I scare the snot out of these mimsy little ladies and doing so is a source of constant delight.

If you don’t believe what fun it can be, sneak up behind a maiden lady in a queue and announce that your arse itches.

Cruel. But deserved for every uncharitable thought she will have hidden behind her lace hanky…

Darkling Drabble 6

A darkling drabble offers a shiver of horror in a hundred words…

He sometimes wondered if they knew what their fate was, but then again he couldn’t believe them intelligent enough to understand the nuances. And anyway he gave them a good life, didn’t he? They had food, warm beds and plenty of outdoor space to run around in. 

His life mate rather thought the strange noises they made were some sort of rudimentary speech, but as a female she was prone to odd notions and improbable fancies.

He was prepared to indulge her, though, as she produced litter after litter of healthy young.

All of whom were raised on hooman meat.

Jane Jago

Word of the Day – Bratwurst

In an effort to educate the nominally literate and inform those with sufficient humility to understand their own lack of comprehension, Esme offers the correct definition of misunderstood words…

Bratwurst

  1. (noun – pronunciation note: brat first) Child-centric lifestyle wherein the offspring are consulted on every aspect of life. Example: Simon and Niobe’s bratwurst extended to family decisions about where to shop and who slept in which bed on any night. 
  2. (noun – pronunciation note: bought worst) Those examples of kitchen appliance, white goods, vehicle etc where the eye for a ‘bargain’ was permitted to outweigh the fitness of the item for its intended use. Example: the stand mixer very quickly proved itself to be a bratwurst as it emitted a deep throated roar before ejecting its load of expensive ingredients across the kitchen ceiling.

If you have any words whose meaning escapes you, Esme Crockford is always happy to share her lexicographical knowledge and penetrating insight into the English language.

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