Take this exclusive opportunity to consult the wisdom of the mysteriously enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries.
The snowball. Yes. There is a star sign out there that is attracted to eggy drinks with the texture of snot…

Taurus.
Vodka and coke. The bull has no taste at all for alcohol but very much enjoys the sensation of being as drunk as an artilleryman.

Gemini.
Hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallow. The addition of Tia Maria often produces amusing results.

Cancer.
Craft beer. Preferably one with a ‘witty’ name. There is very little that amuses a crab more than sidling up to the bar and ordering two pints of Sweaty Scrotum.

Leo.
Leos will generally drink whatever you put in front of them. But. On no account do shots with a Leo. They get very growly.

Virgo.
This sign is a devotee of the mocktail (pauses to allow nausea to pass). The favourite? By no coincidence. A Virgin Mary.

Libra.
Complicated cocktails with many ingredients that have to be carefully calibrated. Or Jägerbombs, on which they rapidly become spitefully mathematical.

Scorpio.
A pint of anything normally served in shot glasses. And they will drink you under the table before stealing your wallet and drawing a penis on your face with indelible pen.

Sagittarius.
This sign is oddly old fashioned when it comes to booze – being firmly stick in the 1960s. The Harvey Wallbanger is considered by Saggitarians to be the height of sophistication, even if it does taste like cough medicine.

Capricorn.
The goat likes little more than a pint of Guinness, unless it’s two pints of Guinness with a packet of crisps (chips to colonials) and a pickled egg.

Aquarius.
Don’t even… Well if we must. English wine or locally made beer. Both of which, ideally, should be delivered to the front door by a horny-handed son of the soil driving a Citroen Dyan.

Pisces.
If you wondered where all the world’s Prosecco had gone. Blame Pisceans who drink it on girls’ nights. Males of this sign like a nice bottle of red with assorted cheeses.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

Old bench in the falling leaves
So many secrets heard
Lovers and children hand in hand
Speaking without a word
The wooden bench a secret place
Where promises are made
Waits as leaves fall from the sky
In a quiet forest glade

©️jane jago ‘23

Jenny is still scarred by an abusive relationship. Includes adult content

The voice outside changed tack, instead of screaming insults it became smooth and insinuating. “Jenny, Jenny. You know you can’t hide from me. And you know you have to be punished.”
Jenny felt herself wilting as the promise of a life back in his hands, pressed down on her like a pair of clammy claws and pulled every inch of resistance out of her soul. She lay her head on the table and all she could understand was the slow burn of tears leaking from her eyes. Mike bent over her.
“That isn’t happening, Jenny love. My word on it. You just stay there and I’ll send him on his way with a flea in his ear.”
Even in extremis she needed to warn Mike so she forced her voice to work. “Be careful. He’s dangerous.”
“When it comes to your safety, so am I.”
He went out, walking purposefully, and Jenny heard him open the door. She listened
“Yes?”
For a moment there was no response.
“I’m looking for my wife.”
“Your what?”
“My…. My ex-wife.”
“Ex isn’t the same as yours.”
Jenny could all but see Graham puffing himself up for attack, and she was rather surprised when he said nothing. She was beginning to hope he would just go away when he spoke again.
“Look. I don’t know who you are but you shouldn’t be taken in by Miss Innocent Jenny. She isn’t what she seems at all…”
Mike broke in and his voice was full of cold contempt.
“If I was you, I’d leave right now. While you can. You are contemptible and I am finding it very hard not to beat you to a pulp.”
The sound of a siren announced the imminent arrival of the police and Jenny rather thought Graham would make a run for it. He didn’t, though, and she could hear the hideously familiar sound of his heavy breathing as he worked himself up into a rage.
“You just tell her from me that she shouldn’t ever sleep soundly, because I will get her. And this time it’ll be her face. I’ll gladly do the time to ruin her like she ruined me. See how you like her when I mark her face…”
He stopped abruptly, making a peculiar whinnying noise instead of further spreading his poison.
“Shut up, you bastard. You might not be afraid of prison, but you should be afraid of me.”
There was silence save for the sound of heavy breathing and then a car stopping in the road. The clump clump of deliberate footsteps sounded on the path and an unfamiliar voice spoke.
“Ah. We’ve been looking for this gentleman. He’s already broken his parole conditions, and now this. He’s just booked himself a taxi straight back to prison. Thanks for finding him.”
“You’re entirely welcome.”
There was the sound of a scuffle.
“Keep still, will you…. Okay. Drop him.”
The high keening noise that was Graham’s reaction to not getting his own way went on for quite a while. Eventually, Jenny could only assume he had been subdued as the noise subsided.
“Okay. On your feet.”
Just as Jenny thought she might be able to breathe again, Graham fired his Parthian shot.
“Just remember if you do get my dear wife into bed, she likes a bit of pain with her pleasure. Comes really hard if you throttle her.”
The sounds from outside became confused then, but Jenny couldn’t compute them anyway. All she could think was that Graham was going to win again with his lies that everyone believed. A few words had poisoned her life and plunged her back into the grey fog of hopelessness. That bright chimera of hope she had been allowing herself to feel at last had been extinguished by the same lie that had driven her from her home. She could barely draw breath for the lancing pain in her chest, and somehow it didn’t seem to matter anyway.
She wasn’t aware of crawling into the corner of the kitchen, but she mush have done so, because when she came to herself there was a pair of denim-clad legs in her eyeline. Mike bent down and put out a hand. At first she cringed away, expecting a blow, or a gesture of repudiation. He did neither thing. Instead he laid that gentle hand on her cheek.
“Oh. Jenny love. Don’t cry so.”
It was only then that Jenny realised she was shaking like a wet kitten, while her whole body was racked by shattering sobs. Looking into his face she saw nothing but caring concern and when he held out his arms she crawled into his embrace like a child in search of comfort.
He stood up with her still in his arms and carried her over to where he could sit down on the floor in a patch of sunshine. Jenny hadn’t known she had so many tears left in her, but it felt like some sort of release to let it all out so she laid her face against the softness of his t-shirt and just cried. He said nothing, and nor did he move except to gently stroke her back.
When the worst of the storm had passed she lifted her face and tried for a smile.
“Sorry Mike.”
He shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s that piece of ordure should be sorry, but I don’t think he is.”
“No. He’s not wired to feel remorse. Even if he gets caught out in wrongdoing, in his mind it’s always somebody else’s fault.”
She moved to get off Mike’s lap and he let her go. When she stood up he uncurled himself from the floor and stood beside her, although he was obviously being careful not to intrude on her personal space. Somehow Jenny didn’t want that, so she walked back into his arms.
Tilting her head, she looked into his worried eyes.
“Thank you. I think I must have been needing that meltdown for a long time, because I actually feel stronger for it.” Then she said the thing that had to be said. “I’ll understand if it’s all too much and you need to step away from me.”
He just wrapped his arms tighter around her. “Not happening, Jenny love. I’m here. And here I’ll stick.” He rubbed his face in her hair. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
“I want to try. How about coffee in the sitting room, where we can sit on the sofa and talk? I think if you cuddle me I can be brave enough to tell you all the things you need to know.”
So it was that they sat cuddled together on Jenny’s big sofa and she said a lot of things she he had never said before.

From Jenny a novel about surviving abuse by Jane Jago

An everyday tale of village life and vampires…

After everyone had gone, Em picked up the phone and called the young man who had so enjoyed the batshit madness of the vicar. The phone was picked up at once, but she found herself speaking to a young woman with an attitude problem.
“I don’t know where you got this number, madam, but Tristram is far too busy to be bothered with random callers.”
“I got the number because he gave me his card. Now just be a good girl and put him on the line.”
“I can’t do that. Tristram only takes calls between eleven and midday.”
Em sighed. “He told me to call at any time. I do a rather nice line in batshit crazy vicars.”
“Oh are you Mrs Van der Velt?”
“No. I’m Emmeline Vanderbilt.”
This took a bit of processing but eventually got Em passed to the man himself.
“Sorry for the delay.” He apologised perfunctorily. “What can I do for you?”
“You can answer a question to start with.”
“Fire away.”
“Is Ronald Dump newsworthy?”
“Depends what he is doing. Opening another of his dreadful leisure facilities is nasty but not news.”
“I’m rather hoping for not opening and consequently losing his shit in public.”
“For even a chance of that happening I’ll have a camera crew wherever whenever.”
“Right. So can you have the dim bird, who I assume must be pulchritudinous in the extreme to keep her job, put me straight through when I call because there may not be too much notice.”
His laughter sounded genuinely amused. “Pulchritudinous isn’t a word one normally hears used in conversation around here. Although it perfectly describes Amanda.”
He stopped speaking and Em could hear scrabbling in the background.
“Sorry,” this time he even sounded it. “There’s no good trying to get anything as revolutionary as putting someone straight through into Amanda’s head. You can text this number and I’ll get right back to you.” He reeled off a string of figures and Em wrote them down.
“Okay. I’ll call you if I can make this happen.”
“I look forward to that call. And. Mrs Vanderbilt. Good hunting.”
Em put the phone down, thinking how the idea of discomfiting Dump seemed to be able to bring together the most diverse of people – the unprincipled and deeply selfish Tristram, and Ginny, the newest and most PC of vampires, being a case in point. Whatever. There was no time for wool gathering – she had a tenants association to sort and an unprincipled lawyer to contact.
By the time she was done, Agnes’ army of granddaughters and great-nieces had mined the seam of council paperwork to some effect. The email was long, rambling and informative. There was indeed a planning application on the books. It postulated an eighteen-hole golf course, a boutique hotel, a restaurant, a range of holiday homes, and a range of shops. Access was, of course, to involve the demolition of the housing association properties.
None of that surprised Em. What was surprising, though, was that the applicant (and the owner of the land) was quoted as being DumpCorp.
“Got you you bastard.”
Em’s smile, could she but have seen it, was a feral thing. She called Agnes.
“You still got a girl in the Land Registry?”
“My great-great niece, Morwenna.”
“Right. I need to know two things. Has Harmful Gums actually sold his land to DumpCorp? Also has the housing association done, or tried to do, anything with the land the estate sits on?”
Em could almost hear Agnes thinking. “Okay. Can do. But I may not be able to get hold of her until tomorrow. What has just come in. From Jamelia. Is a full copy of the agreement the tenants have with the housing association.”
“Good. That was what Ishmael wanted.”
“Em! You have never called in Ishmael.”
“Why not? He’s a very good lawyer and just as slippery as anybody they might have.”
“But Ishmael is a demon.”
“So are most of the legal profession.”
Agnes sighed and Em could picture her throwing up her hands in despair. “Okay. Have it your own way. But who is paying him? As if I didn’t already know.”
Em put the phone down and made herself a cup of blood tea. When she got back, Agnes was still talking. Erasmus stood beside the phone with his face arranged as close to a smile as a bat can get.
He spoke in Em’s head. “Nothing new. Except that she wonders how DumpCorp expected to get away with downright illegality.”
“Me too.”
“In a moment I will tell you. For now, finish your conversation with Agnes.”
Placating Agnes took a good ten minutes and left Em feeling worn and scratchy. She had also committed to an emergency Nest meet the following day to discuss the problem and to introduce their new sister.
“Why do I listen to her, Erasmus? I mean she wears plastic clogs and loud floral printed smocks. Her idea of tasteful is chintz and shag pile. And she eats takeaway burgers…”
Erasmus actually chuckled. “You listen to her, Emmeline, because she is your oldest friend and she has always had your back no matter what. But now. Do you want to hear what the vespertilian community knows about DumpCorp?”
“I’m all ears.”
He sighed. “That is a singularly inept piece of human phraseology. But I digress. DumpCorp expects to get away with overt law breaking for a number of reasons. One. It always has. Two. It effectively owns two High Court judges and a Law Lord. Three. It will have its fall guys lined up. Probably Harmsley-Gunn, the chair of the county council, and your local MP.”
Em sat down with a bump. “That’s masterly Erasmus. Do they have us beat then?”
“No. Not with the supernatural community against them. This time I reckon the corporation has bitten off more than it can chew.”

Part Twenty-Five of Much Dithering in Little Botheringham by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook, will be here next week.

He thought she would always be there, no matter what he said. Or did. He thought himself the centre of her world and he took her care for his comfort as no more than his due.

He left the house one rainy November morning unmoved by the tears in her eyes and the tremor in her hands.

He came home late, tired and hungry.

To an empty house.

There was a single word scrawled across the mirror in the hallway.

‘Asshole’ written in the bright red lipstick that his mistress used.

He never saw his wife again in this life…

Jane Jago

A dictionary for the bemused by Jane Jago…

asi in (noun) – karate dildo

autghor (noun) – writer of vomit inducing horror fiction

balaclave (noun) – hat made from sheet music

bow job (noun) – revenge macrame made from the pubic hair of an unfaithful lover

chorkle – (noun) the sound that emanates from the throat of a cat who is about to vomit 

dsire – (verb) to almost want something

happilt (adverb) – of running to clap ones heels together joyously

interrofate (verb) – to question closely whilst tickling the feet with a jelly mould

mucbn (noun) – Scottish bread found wrapped around burger

noof (adjective) – with the demeanour of a slightly silly female newsreader

oss (noun) – bony and indigestible piece of useless info

predicatbel (noun) – a device hung around the neck of a cat to warn its owners when it is going to stop purring and latch sixteen claws in their unprotected flesh

smae (noun) – a small fish subsisting on the loose skin shed by elephants when bathing

thnaks (noun) – cod liver oil flavoured crisps

wodnering (verb) – creeping under people’s eyelids to look at their fantasies (and maybe get a laugh)

Disclaimer: all these words are genuine typos defined by Jane Jago. The source of each is withheld to protect the guilty.

“Good Morning, can I help you?”
“I’m here for a date.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have any dried fruit at this time. Can I help you with something else?”
“Not a date you eat, the other kind.”
“I am sorry, I misunderstood your meaning. It is the seventh of November. Have a nice day.”
“No. A date. A meeting with romantic overtones to ascertain if the participants have enough interest to repeat the procedure.”
“I’m sorry. There is no one here who can resolve your problem at the moment. Please try later or call our helpline. Have a nice day.”

E.M. Swift-Hook

Take this exclusive opportunity to consult the wisdom of the mysteriously enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries

The ram needs excitement and isn’t sheepish about demanding it. The more extreme the better.

Ideal Vacation
Spearfishing in shark-infested waters.

Taurus

Taureans are stubborn, hard-working beasts. It is hard to persuade them to take any vacation at all. You are more likely to find them insisting on staying at home.

Ideal Vacation
That holiday village down the road that you keep hearing badly sung karaoke from when you go passed.

Gemini

The astrological twins need variety, the spice of life, to enjoy a vacation.

Ideal Vacation
A dual centre holiday in India or Mexico – city and mountains. Which, depends if they prefer to spice their life with curry or chilli.

Cancer

Trying to pry the crab out of its shell long enough to get a suntan is a challenge in an off itself. So make the destination hot and sunny enough for it not to matter if you can persuade them to disrobe or not.

Ideal Vacation
A beach holiday in the Bahamas or a sunbed in the attic with a stack of romance novels.

Leo

The lion needs to shake its mane and roar to let off steam and relax. So any vacation needs to be somewhere others won’t be disturbed.

Ideal Vacation
An African safari – or failing that a week at Disneyland where there is so much noise no one would hear them anyway.

Virgo

The over-organised Virgo is fixated on detail. They will have bags packed and passports ready months in advance and woe betide an errant spouse who forgets to pack the toddler.

Ideal Vacation
Any package holiday anywhere. That way Virgo will know precisely where they will be at any given moment of the vacation and be able to plan accordingly.

Libra

Libra enjoys balance in all things so when it comes to the work/vacation balance they will want to play as hard as they have worked.

Ideal Vacation
For most Libras, this need to balance effort at work exactly in the scales, will mean an afternoon on Blackpool Beach or sunning themselves in the garden if the weather is clement will be more than adequate annual leave.

Scorpio

The super-sexed sign of the zodiac will want a racey destination where they can take the sting out of the daily grind… by having a daily grind…

Ideal Vacation
Any city with a superior red light district

Sagittarius

The archer needs to hit the target at work and equally when on vacation. Kicking up heels on holiday is best done in interesting places.

Ideal Vacation
A well planned itinerary tour into the hinterlands of Mongolia.

Capricorn

Like every good goat, Capricorn loves to eat and any vacation must include plenty of interesting foodstuffs so Capricorn is not tempted to nibble on forbidden fruit.

Ideal Vacation
A whirlwind gastronomic tour of European capitals if our goat is a gourmet, but if it is quantity not quality that appeals, a similar tour of the fast-food outlets of the United States would be preferable.

Aquarius

The water bearer needs to be bourne on water to truly relax and unwind from the gruelling nine to five.

Ideal Vacation
Venice.

Pisces

For the fish the lure of the waves is irresistible. It is as vital to them as the air they breathe and they will be drawn to the sea on vacation like moths to a flame.

Ideal Vacation
Any cruise. But be sure the safety barriers are high – the lure of the ocean can be too strong for Pisces to resist…

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

I do remember the fifth of November
When fireworks recall a plot
To blow up the whole bloomin’ lot

I do remember the fifth of November
When kids called ‘Penny for the Guy’
At the people as they walked by.

They’d make them before the fifth of November
From old clothes with newspaper crammed
Then sat in an old go-cart or pram.

But now we remember the fifth of November
As a day for fireworks planned
Displays both modest and grand.

But kids don’t make guys for the fifth of November
They no longer put up that cry
Instead ‘trick or treater’s come by…

Holla boys, Holla boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!
And what should we do with him? Burn him!

E.M. Swift-Hook

In a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

It felt strange to Dai to be walking the paths he had run along as a child. His last visit had been for the Saturnalia holiday of the previous year and the weather then had been more about staying in than trekking the muddy fields and vineyards. So he let Hywel talk excitedly about proximal sensors and infrared thermography, the latest developments in soil monitoring devices and his experiments in using a portable field fluorometer to check both the chlorophyll density in the leaves of his vines and the polyphenols in their grapes.
They crested the low hill from where the old farm buildings could be seen, modern extensions reaching out like embracing arms towards them. Dai wondered why it was he didn’t feel any sense of belonging anymore. Maybe because he really did not belong and had not since the day Hywel had disinherited him for choosing life as a Vigiles rather than staying home and working in the family business. Hywel had mellowed and they had made up last year, but only once there were three lives between Dai and any chance of inheritance. He somehow thought the naming of their fourth son was Hywel and Enya’s way of apologising for it all.
“So, once we have the new plant set up we should be able to convert several thousand litres a year of the waste must from the column stills and then -” Hywel broke off. “You’re not listening are you?”
Dai shook his head, still gazing out over the neat rows of vines.
“Not really, but the biofuel idea is a good one. People round here could use it, though I doubt you’d find much market for it elsewhere in the Empire. Solar is the way most are going.”
Hywel laughed and clapped Dai on the shoulder. “So you were listening.”
“I always did,” Dai said, simply. “Except when my heart disagreed.”
Hywel’s hand remained, suddenly heavier.
“Your mother…”
“My mother?”
Hywel’s hand lifted.
“I’m sorry. She’s been mother to me and my sisters as much as you. Has been from the day she arrived and you know I couldn’t love her more. But, what I was trying to say, she and I had hoped you’d like the Fionn girl, Megan. She would have brought you a nice little farm of your own as well.”
Dai snorted. “You mean that teenager you had me take out for a meal when I was here at Saturnalia? She was pretty much half my age and we didn’t have anything in common. She just sat there and made moon eyes at me then demanded we took selfies to share with her friends.”
“I just wanted…”
“You just wanted to be a family again. I know. Your heart was in the right place.”
“And what about yours? Your heart is with Rome now? You are a citizen, you’ve married a Roman, you’ve…”
“I’ve married the woman I love who happens to be a Roman, and I got to be a citizen saving her life. None of that was planned and this,” he held up his index finger with it’s silver band of privilege then pulled the ring off and threw it as far as he could, glinting with a flash of silver in sky then dropping to earth to be lost amongst the vines, “is what I think of Rome.”
Hywel tried to catch Dai’s hand as he threw, but he was nowhere near fast enough.
“You could get into trouble for that kind of thing,” he snapped and shook his head. “Always the hothead. You ever wonder why I didn’t like that you joined the Vigiles?”
“Because I missed your wedding?” Hywel laughed. “That didn’t help at the time. But it was because of the way you are. You joined up fired for justice and I knew that one way or another you’d hit your head on the ceiling Rome shoves over our British heads. I didn’t like to think how that would twist you.”
Dai felt an odd sensation inside his chest.
“You were not wrong, but I was lucky,” he said. “The first prefect I worked under was a man who saw justice wore a blindfold when it came to Briton or Roman and I found myself with a decanus who could strip paint with his cynicism.” He grinned at the thought. “Between them they taught me a lot. But I still see red sometimes and Bryn’s had to pull me out of it more than once.”
“I’m glad. I was scared you’d go spinning off into one of those extremist groups like this Dynion o Brydain that Enya’s Da is getting tangled up in. He wanted me for it too. But little as I like Rome, I’m not going to start killing people for their nationality – would make me no better than the very worst of them.”

From Dying for a Poppy by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook