Bonjour learners,

As part of one’s campaign to educate, inform, and elucidate, one tries to be both approachable and kindly. Which occasionally causes one to make silly decisions. In a foolish moment, one allowed oneself to be persuaded that answering questions from students would be a good idea. Which it probably isn’t. However, one’s word is one’s bond. So. Have at you…

Dear Teacher,
I am puzzled. Very puzzled.
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Regards,
Claire.

Oh Claire, Claire. Do not attempt to be clever at the expense of your teacher. One is not the Mad Hatter, and your name is Claire, not Alice. However, one will answer your question seriously.

It is a matter of symbols.
A raven? An ugly black bird?
A writing desk? Just a piece of furniture?

Err. No. In order to unriddle the unanswerable riddle, it is necessary for your masterful tutor to break down the barriers in your tiny mind and introduce you to the borderless and boundless world of possibilities that symbolic understanding can open to you.
A raven can be seen as the harbinger of evil, or as the bringer of knowledge and thought to the small minds of the little people who walk the earth beneath them.
A writing desk, of course, symbolises the earthbound woodenness of humanity and our struggle to rise above the limitations of our tiny lives.

Oho, Claire, one sees your puzzled little face. And hears your pathetic cry.
“How are such symbols helping? The raven and the writing desk are complete opposites.”

But they are not. They are opposite ends of the same spectrum of human endeavour. The raven is achievement and the writing desk is that place from which we seek to achieve.
Therefore a raven is like a writing desk because the one leads to the achievement symbolised by the other.

Without the writing desk the raven is pointless and without the raven, the writing desk cannot exist.

And now Claire, write one hundred times.
‘I must not attempt to be facetious, it is unbecoming in youth and unworthy in age.’

In disappointment,

Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV

You can find more of IVy’s profound thoughts in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago.

Take this exclusive opportunity to explore the mysteries of the zodiac through the wisdom of the esoterically enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries 

This sign is a sucker for furry and cuddly, but not too keen on walkies. Aries has an affinity with long-haired cats and King Charles Spaniels.

Note: Do not ever take an Aries to an animal shelter. They will adopt the lot

Taurus

Perhaps surprisingly, given the lumbering nature of the sign, the ideal animal companion is something small and intensely portable. Give a bull a gerbil and they will be ecstatic.

Note: Do not expect a Taurus to put itself out for a pet that requires a lot of care and/or exercise.

Gemini

This sign swings both ways petwise. A Gemini will be happy with either a tarantula or a kitten. Nothing in between.

Note: The two-faced twins will deeply confuse dogs and are inimical to horses.

Cancer

The crab enjoys canine company of the large and drooling sort. Or goldfish.

Note: Good at dressage, especially all the going sideways bits.

Leo

What could the king of the jungle require as a pet? A Siamese cat? An elegant elkhound? An Arab steed? No. None of these. Leo gravitates towards beekeeping.

Note: Should your Leo require an indoor pet, stick insects are usefully easy to care for.

Virgo

Buy a Virgo a bunny rabbit and they will be happy forever. Or if they want a walking companion, the stars suggest a yellow Labrador – for preference one with attitude.

Note: Do not expect Virgo to deal with animal sexuality. They don’t.

Libra

The balanced nature of the Libran is made complete by pets that can be kept as pairs. Lovebirds are an obvious choice.

Note: Do not buy your Libra lover a tortoise. They will forget them during hibernation.

Scorpio

The snarkily poisonous nature of this sign is uniquely suited to the keeping of snakes, or parrots with a vocabulary of obscenities.

Note: Don’t buy a Scorpio a puppy, they will encourage it to bite people.

Sagittarius

The half-horse Sagittarius really bonds with horses, ponies, or hamsters.

Note: If a dog is needed, the Irish Wolfhound is nearly as big as a small pony.

Capricorn

Surprisingly, Capricorn does not get on with goats. They are best suited to being owned by scruffy terriers that fart a lot.

Note: Capricorn and cats is a combustible combination. There has not been a Capricorn born that won’t irritate cats enough to get their face ripped off.

Aquarius

Aquarians like fish. Both to eat and to look at. Feed them battered cod and buy then an indoor aquarium wherein they can watch brightly coloured swimmers.

Note: Aquarius will not tolerate any pet that wants to sleep with them. 

Pisces

Pisceans do not get on with fish. They are, on the other hand, deeply enamoured of guineapigs and whippets.

Note: Do not buy a Piscean a bunny rabbit. They will eat it.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

It is strange how at January’s end
We all stop trying to pretend
That we’ll be super fit
Or we’ll size-down our kit
And #resolution‘s no longer a trend…

Eleanor Swift-Hook

Dying to be Cured is set in a modern-day Britain where the Roman Empire still rules. Dai and Julia take on a fight against institutional corruption whilst dealing with the demands of family, friendship and domestic crises.

“Sheep stealing is a pretty serious business,” Bryn said, parking their Vigiles all-wheeler outside the solidly built stone house where he lived. “I know it might not seem so to us from Londinium, but round here it gets folk really riled up if so much as one of their woolly beasts wanders. I’ve been reading some of the cases and you’d not believe it. Family feuds have been started over the disputed ownership of a lamb. Your people are a violent lot.”

Dai grinned. “You don’t know the half of it. Generations of practice have raised feuds to an artform. My family has a few going back a couple of centuries, but my father was never much of a one for maintaining them and my brother is far too level headed, so I think they fell into abeyance through neglect.”

“It’s a sad thing when local traditions are not properly kept up by the leading local families.” Bryn sighed and shook his head sadly.

If Villa Papaverus was full on Roman style, Byrn’s house was pleasantly British. It was one of a row of similar sturdy houses, and like Dai’s, it went with the job. However that was where any real similarity ended. It had no atrium, but it did have a large living room, made bright and airy by large double-glazed windows. Those overlooked a back garden that was large enough to include a substantial plot growing herbs and some vegetables and a fenced off area where a small flock of chickens were being fed by a teenage girl.

As Dai dropped into the comfortable sofa, he felt a tiny curl of envy for Bryn not having to maintain his home in such grand style as was incumbent upon a Submagistratus. Then a middle-aged woman, dressed in well-worn tunic and trews, a basket of fresh cut herbs on one arm and a patch of mud on one knee, came into the room.

“Bryn! Now what are you doing home so early? I hope you are not… Oh, Dominus Llewellyn, I am so sorry, I didn’t realise you were there.”

Dai smiled and let Bryn explain. He was not going to step into anything between the Cartivels.

“I would have told you, but we only decided as we were about passing the house. We’d been planning on heading back to the office in Viriconium, but the Bard pointed out we need to keep off the official radar for what we’re doing at the moment. It’s touching onto Roman heartland stuff – a local temple might be implicated in murder. And if we check in we’ll have to report on what we’ve got so far”.

Gwen spread her hands evocatively. “Well, why not? After all I’m already harbouring a chicken that escaped from the carrier and a daughter who’s supposed to be in school today, why not two grown men who are supposed to be Vigiles?”

After the door closed in her wake Bryn still wore a lopsided grin.

“She’s right, Bard, we’re going to have to report in sometime. And can a Submagistratus play truant and get away with it?”

“I don’t know,” Dai admitted, “but right now I want to at least have something solid to post when we do. If not Zirri Yedder is going to disappear from history with no one any the wiser as to why – and no one asking to know. That matters to me.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon going over the information they had on the case and trying to find anything they had missed. Dai received word the files he had asked for from the Temple had been sent, but nothing stood out from them.

“We’d need to find all these people and ask if any saw Yedder that day,” Bryn said glumly. “None of them are local so that would mean bringing in other areas. Do we have a budget for that?”

“For a dead non-Citizen non-Briton who most in authority saw as a pain in the ass? What do you think?”

A refurbished Gwen clad in a long skirt and clean tunic, swept into the room with a tray of some tempting looking finger foods which Dai recalled enjoying, though never identifying, from previous visits. She ordered Bryn to move a table and then set the tray down and took a seat herself.

A few moments later the door opened again and Julia came in with a second tray, this time of hot drinks and set them on the table beside the food. Dai opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Julia had reached over and pushed some food in his mouth.

“Why don’t you just listen a moment,” she said sweetly, dropping a kiss on his forehead before sitting beside Gwen. “It seems to me we need to find out what is going on in that Temple. I’ve sent Edbert and Gallus to have a look from the outside, as they are both good enough not to be spotted. But they won’t be able to get inside the compound. Gwen has an idea, though, and I think it’s a pretty good one.”

The older woman nodded. “If they’re doing healing in there, that is what I know about.” She gestured to the now curtained window. “I don’t grow all those herbs out there to make my cooking taste good, I’m Druid trained and healing is my speciality.”

“We’ve only just moved here,” Julia put in, “and won’t be known faces. And I am well used to doing undercover work. So if Gwen were to pose as one of the patients and I went along as her carer…”

“No way!”

“Not happening.” Dai found his own voice clashing with Bryn’s who was on his feet looking thunderous. “Whatever Yedder found got him killed – could get you killed too. I’m not going to allow it.”

But the expression on Julia’s face was a stubborn one he had seen before and this time it was reflected in the face of Gwen Cartivel.

Dying to be Cured by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook first appeared in Gods of Clay: A Sci Fi Roundtable Anthology.

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

If you’re old then I say this to you
You should think about all that you do
You simply can’t get
With a man you’ve just met
On a pack pony to Timbuctoo!

E.M. Swift-Hook

Sunday lunch, and Caroline carefully masticated her roast lamb and over-cooked vegetables whilst attempting to tune out the carefully genteel tones of her mother-in-law, Marjorie, as she treated them to her own version of the Sunday sermon. Today it was immigrants. And the EU, of course. But that was a blessed relief from child care ‘hints’ and open criticism of the way she and her sister-in-law dressed, spoke, and, one very memorable Sunday indeed, even how they smelled.

‘Yaddah, Yaddah’ she thought as she tried to push the two-hour journey home, with its inevitable sugar-induced tantrums and car sickness, to the back of her mind. She must have been doing quite well, because she was dragged back to the world of serviettes and Sunday best china by a derisive snort from her left-hand neighbour. She turned a polite face to her husband’s younger brother, who wagged his head at her. Tuning back into the Sunday homily she realised why even he was pissed off. Marjorie was busily assuring her grandchildren that of course the going rate for the tooth fairy had gone up in line with inflation. About five pounds per tooth would be fair, she thought.

Caroline sighed inwardly and decided she couldn’t face any more lunch. She put her knife and fork down and fished about in her head for something uncontroversial to say.

Before she had a chance to speak, and in an almost unheard of break from the rigidly enforced etiquette which normally prevailed, her husband leaned across from his seat on the other side of the table and whispered in her ear.
‘Never mind the bloody tooth fairy. I’d rather like there to be a Shut up Mother fairy.’
In a rare moment of whimsy Caroline grinned at him. ‘You never know, there might be. But you have to invite her in.’
He grinned back at her, though the lines of tension that bracketed his mouth from the moment they arrived at his mother’s house until the moment they left were still etched into his skin. ‘I do, don’t I? Very well.’ He closed his eyes and spoke softly. ‘Shut up Mother fairy, I most humbly invite you into this house.’
He sat back in his chair, and the air filled with mocking laughter. At the head of the table Marjorie’s mouth kept right on moving, but now she no longer made a sound…

Jane Jago

Poems of puppy Fozzie Jago as he is exploring and experiencing the world!

I wishes I had
A opposable fum
For picking me teefs
An scratching me bum
For gripping a pencil
When I does me sums
For pouring a drink
Of de-lish-ious rum
Or opening tins
Of pedigree chum
An’ Foz would not need
A bossy humum
If he only has
A opposable fum

Jane Jago

Bonjour mes estudas

It is I, bestselling author and all-round excellent human being, Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV. Here to pass on the fruits of my intellect to those lesser beings – such as yourselves – who struggle through the dilemmas of life, love and literature.

Today we have a question from Ian (is it only I who has noticed what a plain and boring cognomen is Ian?).

Dear Ivy,

Is there a reason I struggle to feel immersed in present tense writing? What, if any, are the pros to writing the seldom appreciated tense when past is available and most prefer it?

Your Adoring Fan,

Ian.

My very dear Ian,

This is the sort of question that exposes the ignorance of one’s little students to the glare of the public eye. One does not, silly boy, write in tense. One writes intensely. When the Muse sits on one’s shoulder and whispers his seduction into one’s shell-like ear one does not allow the constraints of grammar to befoul the flow of beautiful prose from one’s metaphorical pen. One cares not whether one’s protagonist speaks pastly, presently, or futuristically. It matters not. The outpouring of one’s artistic sensibilities will carry the reader of taste along on the flood tide of emotion and adoration.

Good writing, has it not been often said, is timeless. So do not concern yourself with whether the events written are here and now, now and then or soon to be. Ignore the trite distinctions that are mere verb forms and peer more deeply into the flowering blossom of prose. The present is the immortal now and as such is a fitting medium for the more discerning artistes of the literary world. Those who prefer the most opulent and rare of words to cluster in their paragraphs and for whom the tawdry details most lesser authors need to observe are become merely optional as they have grown beyond them.

Oh no, my dear little Ian, immersion in writings should not be a function of tense, person, or voice. Should you fail in your endeavours to understand the writing you are drawn to, there are but two possible reasons for this miserable failure. The first possibility is that you are in the hands of a writer who cannot handle their chosen means of communication. The second, sadly, is that there is a lack in you.

I hope, whilst yet fearing it likely, the latter is not the case, and that you will eventually find an author whose sensibilities march alongside your own. One who will fully immerse you in the embracing sensuality of their prose regardless of tense, gender, sexuality, or language.

Yours with gently reproving affection,

Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV

You can find more of IVy’s profound thoughts in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago.

Take this exclusive opportunity to explore the mysteries of the zodiac through the wisdom of the esoterically enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Libra.

For children of the scales, balance is all. They hold no view that is not counterbalanced by another and opposite opinion. They have no allegiance that is not equalled by love of another faction. The truth to a Libran is no more valid than the lie on the other side of the coin.  Beware the measure of Libra.

Good in the kitchen or bathroom.

Bad if you want support. Also bad in the bathroom if you are carrying a few extra pounds, the bastards won’t sugar coat it.

Scorpio.

The sarcastic, unfeeling nature of the offspring of this poisonous crepuscular creature cannot be overstated. A Scorpio may be a fond friend for as long as it suits, but should you disappoint one such the poisoned barb in its tail will cause you pain and suffering beyond measure, while it laughs in unfeigned merriment. Beware the poison of Scorpio.

Good as comedians and purveyors of snark.

Bad. Well just generally bad. And mostly proud of it.

Sagittarius.

Often depicted as a centaur, the archer has his bow constantly trained on the hearts of those around him. He watches his children greedily, and without mercy, as they learn to aim their own arrows of dislike, distrust, disgust, disdain and disproportionate expectation at all who dare get close. Beware the barbs of Sagittarius.

Good at any sport requiring the ability to shoot straight.

Bad at being anything but judgemental assholes.

Capricorn.

The goat-headed satyr laughs as his children drag the unprepared into their tools of gluttony, sensuality, and amorality. The children of Capricorn are probably the most physically irresistible of all the houses, and they are born to use that attraction for mischief. Beware the lust of Capricorn.

Good in bed.

Bad anywhere else.

Aquarius.

The water carrier. The only house with responsibilities. And how they are resented. How the Aquarian hates his/her burden. How he or she strives to set it down. The house is characterised by bitterness and envy of those it sees as having an easier life. They may seem to be steadfast in friendship, but in reality they just want you to carry the bucket for them. Beware the hubris of Aquarius.

Good at carrying stuff.

Bad at carrying stuff without complaining.

Pisces.

If there was ever a fish that swam with the flow that fish is a child of Pisces. This family has no principles, very few opinions, and absolutely no intention of ever making waves. A Piscean will be excellent, undemanding company and will be agreeable at all times. Equally he or she will bay and roar as loudly as the rest of the mob at a lynching or other sporting event. Beware the compliance of Pisces. 

Good at taking the temperature of any situation.

Bad at looking out for anybody but themselves.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

The whistle and flap of swan wings
And morning mist
The sharp piping cries of moorhens
The wild goose hiss
A fisherman sits in silence
Awaiting a bite
While all around the frost flowers
Steal the light
The crunch of booted feet
On gravel under
As slowly now the sun draws
Haze asunder
The tiniest streaks of blue
Across the sky
And all the while the swans
Fly noisily by

Jane Jago