Weekend Wind Down – The Puritan’s Wife, Part Two.

They did not meet again until it was time to sup, when they sat at a small table set in the parlour where the curtains were closed against the evening chill and a small fire of aromatic pine cones scented the air.
Once William had taken the edge off his hunger he smiled at Mary.
“It seems,” he said kindly, “that you are to be complimented on your stewardship of this household.”
Mary felt a blush heating her cheeks. “I did what I could within the constraints of…” then she could not continue speaking.
“Within the constraints of your father and brother wasting every penny the estate could be squeezed to provide?”
Mary hung her head. “Yes,” she whispered miserably.
“You have no need to reproach yourself, my wife. You have worked miracles. And you have had none to assist you. Save the servants, each of whom would, I think, lay down his or her life in your service.”
Mary felt her sense of humour returning and dared a small sally. “I think they mostly like me because I am unlikely to be groping anybody on the stairs.”
William narrowed his eyes and for a second she feared she had gone too far, but his brow cleared and he grinned. “It is,” he said genially, “a great relief to find a female who chooses sense above sensibility, and realism above fairy stories. And talking of fairy stories, what shall we do about your cousin?”
“That, sir, is a moot question. I know what would be best, but I do not know if it is possible.”
“Tell me what it is and we shall see.”
“Catherine has a brother, Charles, who is, I believe, in the Low Countries with… Umm with…”
“With the King, do you mean?”
Mary nodded, round eyed with amazement.
“You did not expect me to call him thus, did you?”
“No. I did not. I had heard…”
“It is confession time. I am not such a good Parliamentarian as to have a grudge against the rightful King of England. I believe in the values of the Protestant Church, I am a nephew to Thomas Fairfax, and I was a school friend of Richard Cromwell. I fought for the cause because of my family and my friend, but I would not have voted to execute the previous King and neither do I feel any animosity towards his son.”
Mary digested this information then smiled, disclosing, if she could but have seen it, a furtive dimple at the corner of her mouth.
“Perhaps I should make my own confession. My father and brother may have been Catholic, although I would doubt that either had any religious beliefs, but my mother and I always held by heretical tenets. And you should also know that the manor came from my mother’s family so it is not properly Ashleigh land at all.”
He looked solemn. “Truthfully, then, the land was not your father’s to lose, nor your brother’s to play ducks and drakes with.”
“Oh, I think it was. Mother gave it into my father’s hands on the day she was foolish enough to wed him. I have made a much better bargain of a husband, and if I have any claim to the land I choose to give that to him as a wedding gift.”
William sat silent for a very long time. Long enough so that Mary was beginning to think she had made a dreadful mistake and wondering what she might do to mend things. But then his gaze switched back from wherever he had been and he reached for her hand where it lay on the table.
“Thank you wife,” he lifted her small work roughened hand to his lips. “I swear that you shall not live to regret your trust in me.”
It was some six weeks later and a full moon lit the gardens with its eerie silver radiance. Mary stood in the shelter of William’s arms and fretted a little.
“Are you sure they will come?”
William just laughed indulgently. “Listen.”
The sound of muffled hoofbeats announced the imminent arrival of nocturnal visitors and Mary turned her face to where the manor gardens met the dyke-crossed fens. There were six horses and a riderless pony coming at a careful pace through the treacherous peat bogs. A figure materialised at the iron gate and ushered the riders in. Their guide and two others waited just inside the gate, leaving three riders to drop their reins and dismount on the sloping lawn. Mary recognised her cousin Charles as he strode over to where she stood. He was very obviously one of the King’s men, from his plumed hat to his gleaming top boots, although Mary could not help noticing how shabby and threadbare he was. He grinned unrepentantly, removed his extravagantly feathered hat, and bowed floridly.
“Mary it is good to see you well.” He turned his attention to William. “William Fairfax, as I live and breathe. I never thought to see you again. Not after Naseby.”
The two men grasped arms like the staunchest of friends, and Mary was left wondering how many more secrets her husband harboured.
Charles looked about him. “I see my sister is not here to greet me. Where is the jade? Still abed?”
“She changed her mind this afternoon,” Mary said dully, “says she isn’t going with you.”
“Oh but she is. I have too much affection for you, and too much respect for your husband to leave that black-hearted trollop here spreading her poison. I take it she has already started.”
“Oh indeed. I was barely in the door.”
Charles laughed although it wasn’t an entirely pleasant sound. “Where is she?”
“The yellow bedchamber. But I think she has locked the door.”
Charles indicated the surly looking giant at his shoulder. “I have a key.”
The two men walked purposefully into the house while their companion smiled at Mary. “Anthony Babbage at your service ma’am. Betrothed, so they remind me, to a certain Catherine Ashleigh. Big belly and all.” He dropped the fashionable drawl and gave Mary a shrewd look. “Do we have any idea at all who is responsible?”
“Honestly. No. She claims a rape, which may or may not be true.”
He lifted a shoulder in what seemed to Mary to be a strangely feminine gesture. “Whatever the truth, it solves a looming problem. And my servant Gregory will know how to keep her in order.”
Mary had been hearing a series of muffled crashes and one single scream of rage before footfalls could be heard descending the stairs. Charles carried an unwieldy bundle of clothing and the big man had Catherine over his shoulder. She was quiet and still and Mary felt worried until Charles reassured her.
“She’s just unconscious. We couldn’t ride across the fens in the dead of night with a screaming virago in our midst.”
He slapped palms with William who passed him a small leather pouch.
“Thank you. I am doubly in your debt now.”
The oddly assorted quartet went back to where their horses waited and Charles tied the ungainly bundle of clothing to the pony’s saddle while the silent Gregory mounted his huge horse, holding Catherine against his chest. Charles and Anthony lifted their hands, then the small cavalcade faded into the mist that was coming down to envelop the fens. Mary shivered and William drew her to him for comfort – and somewhat else.

Ten years later and a fine June morning. The family Fairfax sat at breakfast with the early sun catching the auburn lights in the hair that William had passed to all five of his sons. The man himself sat reading a letter from London and his sandy brows drew together in a frown. Recognising the signs of an impending explosion, Mary sent the children off with their nursemaid. She shut the door firmly behind them and held out her hand for the letter. Almost against his will, William handed it over grimacing as he did so. Mary read, stumbling through the legal language and the overly ornate script.
“Well we are not having that are we. Our marriage annulled, our children bastardised and me given to some ‘cousin’ of whom I have never heard. I think not.”
Looking into her husband’s eyes she saw something unclench in him and passed a hand over her own eyes before stamping one small foot.
“William Fairfax, you didn’t think for one minute that I would even consider this revolting scheme, did you?”
“No. Not really. But I gave you no option but to marry me.”
“And so? That was a decade ago. You are my husband, and the father of my children, and my life, and my love.”
William’s chair hit the floor as he leapt to his feet. He dragged Mary into a mad embrace and swung her around and around until she was completely dizzy. When he set her on her feet she had to clutch hold of his shirt front to stop herself from falling.
“What?” She said a bit crossly.
He took her smooth peachy face in his big hands and held it for a long moment before claiming her lips in a tender kiss.
“Oh Mary,” he said in a voice so deep and tender that it all but stole her breath, “do you know how long I have waited to hear you say those words?”
“What words?”
“That you love me.”
“Oh. Those words. I thought you knew. I thought you must know, but I always thought you didn’t love me…”
This time his kiss burned with quite the fire of the sunset over the fens and his hug all but crushed the breath from her body.
“Of course I love you, Mary mine, I think I fell the moment you turned your trusting little face up to mine as we walked home from our wedding.”
It was Mary’s turn to say something but she couldn’t speak, so she pulled his head down to where she could cover his face with tiny, biting kisses.
He groaned. “Do you have any pressing business, my wife?”
She laughed up into his eyes. “None more pressing that the love I have for you, my husband. Shall we see if we can make the daughter your heart desires?”

The Puritan’s Wife is one of the stories in in pulling the rug iii by Jane Jago.

Guilty Pleasures?

What the heck is a guilty pleasure?
Ditto a guilt-free treat?
If you enjoy it why not treasure
Every breath and beat?
Don’t let some skinny lifestyle guru
Or a plastic trout pout face
Convince you that contrition’s due
Or rob you of joy and grace
Eat the doughnut, drink the beer
Do the happy stuff
It isn’t long that we are here
Don’t make the journey tough
Pleasure isn’t puritanical
Skinny ain’t the holy grail
Let’s celebrate those who are less tyrannical
Go out grinning and wagging our tails
In the end I’m here to say
Celebrate living. Every day

©️jj 2021

Granny’s opinions – not up for discussion: Invented Languages

Invented Languages

Before anyone gets all hypercritical on me, yes, all language is invented.

But.

We have quite a few world languages already. Roughly 6,500 according to Mister Google. So why do people keep on trying to add more?

This is certainly not a new phenomenon, my researches have found Lingua Ignota which was first seen in twelfth-century documents.

Then we can gloss over a few centuries to the genesis of Esperanto – which was going to resolve all the world’s communication problems.
Did that happen?
Nope.
All it did was add another nail to the coffin of linguistic simplicity.

To explain my irritation further; a number of invented languages are referred to by the intelligentsia as being a posteriori – that is to say that they came about backwards. I groped around with this concept for a while before deciding that it means a book/film/television series has, as part of its storytelling, a race or species that probably speaks a language of its own. Which is fair enough.
Until. Some person with too much time on their hands invents a language for the aliens/ape men/insects/unicorns.
That’s where it just gets weird.
Can we stop it.
Please.

This is one of those areas in life where being able to do a thing doesn’t make doing the thing sensible.

Remember the term a posteriori is taken from logic and refers to reasoning that determines cause by its effects. Which can lead to some interesting conclusions. As an example, the fact that sunrise often follows the crowing of cockerels could be extrapolated to mean that cock crow causes the sun to rise. Equally, then the ‘fact’ that Johnny Alien probably doesn’t actually speak American English could be extrapolated to mean that somebody needs to study Johnny Alien’s native tongue – except, of course, that Johnny Alien is fictional…

I rest my case and I am now going out into the rainy garden to smoke 20 Gauloises and drink a litre of Pernod – so that one could reason in an a posteriori manner that I only wrote this because I was wet, drunk, and smoke dried.

It doesn’t matter what you think – this is Granny’s opinion and it’s not up for discussion!

An everyday story of concrete folk: Five

The gnomes were enjoying the sound of Mother Bigger kicking off. Brave ones crept close, although there was no need – she could have been heard on Mars.
“I never said I would go camping.”
“You did, Mum.”
“Well I’ve changed my mind then.”
“Okay. Stay home. Me and the kids are going to Cornwall next month. The pitch is booked, and I’m going to look at caravans today.”
“Caravans?”
“Yup. Unless you lot want to sleep on the ground.”
Somebody mumbled something about a yurt.
This time it was a flying frying pan, but at least the window was open.

©️jj 2021

Coffee Break Read – The High Vampire

The naked woman knelt before the huge male vampire with her hands held carefully behind her back. She looked hungrily at his alabaster flesh before raising her eyes to his face. He ignored her, making her await his pleasure. She moaned softly and he backhanded her with casual cruelty, before turning his white eyes towards a corner of the dusty room, where a pile of flesh and hair attested to the fight the woman’s hounds had put up before they were ripped to pieces. Draped across the dead hounds was the body of a Helper, his flesh grey and lifeless and his wings all but torn from his body. The Demon Hunter thought him dead too.
The vampire wasn’t so sure, but he was sure he could allow himself a moment of indulgence before seeing to details like the death of a mere Helper. He looked down into the woman’s face and nodded. She leaned forward and took him in her mouth.
I crouched on a beam in the bat-smelling roof and worried. I knew my Mate wasn’t dead, and I also knew he would die very soon without help. But I had to wait. If I got this wrong, the rogue vampire would kill both of us.
Below me, the albino bloodsucker threw back his head as he enjoyed the sensation of the woman’s mouth around him. I grasped the only chance I was likely to get and my dart took him in the throat. He gave a great cry before stiffening to immobility. The woman stopped what she was doing, and looked up in alarm, but she was befuddled by sex, pale and naked, and without the weapons she had stripped off to service her cold-blooded lover she stood no chance as I jumped from the cross-tree to the ground, spinning silken threads around them as I dropped.
‘Be still’ I hissed ‘if you move the bonds will tighten.’
She must have moved an experimental muscle because she gave cry of pain before fixing me with an inimical glare.
‘Whoever you are. You will suffer for killing a High Vampire.’
‘He isn’t dead. More’s the pity…’
It was essential that the woman was quieted before she had time to recall her wits, so I rapped her on the side of the head with my fist, just hard enough to knock her out.
That bought us a little time before she came round, recognised her predicament, and called for her Master. You may be very sure I had no intention of us being around when He arrived, whoever He was.

From Aaspa’s Eyes by Jane Jago

How To Be Old – Advice for Beginners: Twenty-Two

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

If you’re old then the world will forget
All the things that you did to upset
And now you can do
All those things that you
Did before – but without the regret!

E.M. Swift-Hook

Coffee Break Read – Making Music

Some half an hour later they emerged, with the decanus ruefully rubbing his stubble obviously caught somewhere between annoyance and amusement.
“Right you lot,” he bellowed, “Domina Julia is here to witness band practice.”
Half of the Praetorians collected instruments and ‘tuned up’. When he judged them ready, Gallus pulled a baton out of his boot and counted them in. Julia winced as soon as they started playing. They were abysmal. Even those  who managed to start together soon lost each other in the maelstrom of bum notes and desperation. 
Julia lasted less than five minutes. She waved a hand for silence and slowly, slowly the dreadful cacophony stopped.
“Oh merda,” she muttered, “I expected bad but this is in a whole new dimension.” Catching sight of Edbert leaning against the door jamb she quirked an imperious finger. “There’s a brown leather folder on the desk in the librarium, would you be so kind as to fetch it for me?”
The blond giant snapped a salute.
Gallus looked truly apologetic.
“We’ve not had too much time for practicing, what with the work your man has kept us doing.”
She gave him her nicest smile.
“Not your fault, decanus. Let’s just see what we can salvage shall we?” She gave the band a scathing look. “Okay. We’ve seen what you can’t do. Let’s try and ascertain what you can…”
There was quite a lot of foot shuffling and she laughed, not unkindly.
“Right. Will anybody who can actually read music move over here please.” Three men stepped forward and she smiled at them. “Now.  Do we have any singers?”
Nobody moved, but Gallus grunted.
“Marcus, Aurelius, Crestor, and Alexios, front and centre please!” Gallus put his hand up by his mouth as if hiding his words from the men and said in a stage whisper: “They used to be a barber’s shop quartet.”
Four men came forwards expressions apprehensive and more than a bit embarrassed. Julia couldn’t help laughing internally at the look on their faces, but she said nothing to them.
“Finally, is there anybody who plays an instrument outside of the band?”
The same men who had admitted to the ability to read music, reluctantly lifted their hands. Julia looked a question.
“Penny whistle, domina.”
“Pipes of Bacchus, domina.”
“Standing harp, domina.”
Julia beamed at them. Edbert had been hanging back, but now he came forward with the folder Julia had requested. She thanked him with a smile. 
“Okay, have a look at this.”
She handed out sheets and the men looked in some trepidation. After a few minutes study they looked a lot happier. 
“It’s pretty and it’s simple,” Gallus said, “what is it?”
Julia showed him her teeth.
“It’s one of the Celtic folk airs you lot are supposed to be here learning. This folder is full of them. Most written by my husband’s ancestor who was a famous bard.”
After handing over the sheet music, Edbert had disappeared. He returned now with a large standing harp held tenderly in his big hands. He put it down in front of the confessed harpist.
“Domina Julia’s own harp. Treat it with care.” 
The youngster looked petrified, and Julia took pity on him.
“I can’t play the thing.”
Then he touched the strings tenderly and a waterfall of gentle notes leapt from his fingertips. He bent his head, suddenly oblivious to everything but the music. Julia smiled, and began to sing a simple little tune. He picked it up quickly and was soon playing along with her. The other two ‘unauthorised’ players, having collected their own instruments, joined in. 
For a while, the singers just looked bashful, then one fine tenor voice joined in. He stumbled over pronunciation but soon lost his fear, and then his friends joined in, pitching their harmonies around his lead. Julia smiled as the whole piece lifted and swelled, musicians and singers together. It was actually bloody good.
Even the non-musical Praetorians clapped enthusiastically when the song ran down and Gallus gave a satisfied nod.
“We need to practice. A lot. But…”

From The First Dai and Julia Omnibus by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook

An everyday story of concrete folk: Four

Sunday came, and the traditional barbecue, spitting hot fat at anyone stupid enough to come close. Mother bigger was about halfway down a bottle of very expensive gin when she stood up and threw her arms wide.
“This is the life. Fresh air. A barbecue under the stars.”
“It’s four o’clock in the afternoon, Mum.”
She withered younger son with a glance.
Big Bigger grinned.
“Why don’t we try camping?”
“Camping?”
“Camping is so not cool.”
“No? Cornwall. Sand and surf.”
The teenagers perked up and Mother beamed.
“See to it,” she said grandly before falling into an intoxicated slumber.

©️jj 2021

Coffee Break Read – Alexa the Fair

There were around thirty men in all, talking in loud boisterous voices, their breath misting in the cold air, laughing together at crude jokes, whilst passing wine-skins from hand to hand. They had gathered in front of the central pavilion, where a clearing gave some measure of status and privacy to the impressive tent of their employer the caravansi – the owner of the caravan, its wagons, its slaves and much of its cargo. When Caer finally rode into the clearing, his check of the camp completed, one of the Zoukai called out:
“Here, Captain.”
Catching the wineskin, Caer let the warm liquid cut the dust of the day from his throat, swilling out his mouth and spitting, only then swallowing a single mouthful before replacing the stopper and passing it on. Then he nudged his pony forwards and moved amongst his men, sending four more out to join the scouts and a handful of others to support the pickets who were already guarding the outskirts of the camp. He wanted to be extra careful today. Then he moved on, talking briefly to each of the others as he passed: a word of praise here, a question there, advice and the occasional sharp reprimand, all delivered with an easy authority.
A sudden stillness, as sharp on the senses as any loud sound, made Caer turn towards the pavilion, already knowing what to expect. The flap was being held up by a slave girl and a woman had just stepped out of the shady, incensed interior. It was her appearance that had silenced the horsemen and Caer understood why. Alexa the Fair they called her on the roads and the title was well deserved. Caer had lived twenty-five years and had never seen a woman he thought more beautiful. Her mere presence was enough to draw every male eye and deprive a man of his next breath.
She was tall, very tall for a woman and slender with it – long necked, long limbed and lithe, almost boyish with narrow hips and small breasts that barely lifted the sheer satiny substance of the emerald robe she wore. Beneath the magnificence of her dark auburn hair, her face with its clear skin and high cheek bones lent her an ageless beauty. Her violet-blue eyes swept imperiously over the Zoukai and when they came to rest on Caer, he felt the impact as if she had reached out and physically touched his skin.
“I will speak with you now, Captain,” she said. Her voice was quiet, but her tone commanding. Without waiting for either reply or acknowledgement, she turned and went back into the pavilion leaving behind a subtle breath of incense.

From The Fated Sky the first part of Transgressor Trilogy, and the first book in Fortunes Fools by E.M. Swift-Hook.

How To Be Old – Advice for Beginners: Twenty-One

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

If you’re old get a new high back chair
And stair lifts to get up your stair
You shouldn’t be seen
Clad bright neon green
Glued to railings to protest that you care!

E.M. Swift-Hook

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