Q&A with Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV – Real People

Hola niños.

In a spirit of kindness and the immolation of self upon the altar of mutual aid and comfort, one has undertaken to answer literary questions posed by one’s students and their little friends.

This particular problem is one that faces many of us as we strive to draw inspiration from the people around us. I have often found myself wondering if my next door neighbour has yet realised that he has been immortalised in my pen portrait of the evil villain in Chapter Thirteen of ‘Fatswhistle and Buchtooth’.

Dear Ivy,
How do I include my annoying mother-in-law as a murder victim in my next novel without risking a divorce?
Thanking you for your kind attention.
Penny.

This is an absolutely spiffing question Pennykins. The answer is, of course, a matter of complete simplicity to a mind as great as one’s own…

Describe the lady in every irritating little detail.

Enumerate her most revolting habits. Show the reader how she speaks, snores, breaks wind, misunderstands, and annoys. Detail her physicality, how she dresses, and how her voice sounds. Because she will NEVER recognise herself, and her offspring will equally not ever connect their beloved mother with the horror depicted in your prose. You are absolutely safe. Kill her off. With impunity. Or with whatever blunt, or sharp, instrument pleases you. Those who dislike her will recognise the old beldame and applaud your perspicacity. Her loved ones will never catch the reference.

Oh, and be sure to include the statement at the front of your book that all names, characters and events in the story are fictitious and that no identification with actual persons (living or deceased), is intended or should be inferred. Then even the law is on your side.

Win. Win.

Until the next…

Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV

You can find more of IVy’s profound thoughts in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago.

Madam Pendulica Explores the Zodiac – Aries to Virgo

Take this exclusive opportunity to explore the mysteries of the zodiac through the wisdom of the esoterically enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries. 

The mythical ram with his thick woolly coat and his sharpened horns is the father of this house. His children are simple folk, and as sheep to those they love – following without thought or complaint. But make an enemy of one and the whole flock will turn upon you stamping you into the mire of their ordure with little hard hooves and spearing your very breast with the weapons on their foreheads. 

Good as winter clothing.

Bad side? Often having hairy bottoms that can be crusted with faeces.

Taurus.

After the ram comes the bull. Slow of intellect and lumbering in movement, the children of the bull are known for tenacity and a certain ponderous determination. The bull is a reliable, if boring, friend, but as an enemy he is implacable and deadly. He will get you however long it takes. Beware the horns of Taurus

Good on the barbecue.

Bad in that Taureans stick to one as if attached by Velcro, and they know stuff like train timetables by heart. Befriend one at your peril.

Gemini.

The twins have two faces and look both ways. They see both the future and the past with equal clarity making their offspring both difficult to lie to and impossible to believe. Those outside their coterie will never know which face they are looking at. Beware the obfuscation of Gemini.

Good as observers at obtuse junctions and busy interchanges

Bad – unimaginably untrustworthy and two-faced. Remember this: while one twin is fornicating with your beloved the other is available to keep watch.

Cancer.

As the crab scuttles sideways about his work so do his children approach life from the side. No scion of Cancer will be straightforward or clear in any action, and they possess a nasty nip too. On the upside they are rather tasty. Beware the claws of Cancer.

Good in a sandwich.

Bad on a country ramble as the silly bastards keep sidling off into the undergrowth.

Leo.

The king of the savannah spends twenty hours of each day asleep, and his children are similarly unlikely to put themselves to too much trouble. They tend to be large, handsome, golden people whose physical attractiveness cannot be overstated. They like sex, but they also like raw meat. Beware the appetites of Leo.

Good as a soft toy or fictional hero.

Bad as a friend, partner, or workmate as they are unbelievably lazy but so persuasive that somebody else does the work and they get the credit. And they make a lot of pointless noise

Virgo.

The ‘virgin’ smiles primly self-satisfied by her own virtue. She ignores her offspring as they make liars of her virgin state, preferring to cut them loose, armed only with rigid moralistic views of life and very little charm. Beware the dogma of Virgo.

Good in nunneries.

Bad anywhere people are living normal lives.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

Catching the Wind

We tried to catch the wind today
My fickle friend and me
But as the zephyr flew this way
My friend deserted me
We tried to catch a friend today
The winter wind and I
But as my friend came out to play
The breeze did wave goodbye
Oh you may have the wind he sighed
Should that be as you choose
Or you may have me at your side
You win one, one you lose
We tried to catch the wind today
A wind to sail us home
But fickle fate gangs aft agley
And now I cry alone

© jane jago

Dying to be Cured – II

Dying to be Cured is set in a modern-day Britain where the Roman Empire still rules. Dai and Julia take on a fight against institutional corruption whilst dealing with the demands of family, friendship and domestic crises.

A sudden hush descended on the crowd before Dai could reply. On the steps of the temple stood a group of lay devotees, and three of the priesthood. One of these was a man wearing a purple toga marking him out as the presiding priest. Aside from the reigning Emperor only a priest who represented the Divine Diocletian when officiating in a temple service for the people was permitted to wear the colour.

Now he lifted aloft a purple wrapped scroll and there was a collective indrawn breath from the crowd. Every seeing eye watched as the priest loosened the ribbons and unrolled the vellum.

“The names of those chosen today are, Mara Cefn, Bedwyr Penrhyn…”

The list went on and as each name was called a small flurry occurred somewhere in the crowd as the individuals who had been chosen and their supporters or carers reacted and began to make their way towards the door at the side of the temple where a group of priests, who looked more like medical staff than religious men, waited to take each person through. This time eighteen names were read out, but Dai knew from his research there could be as many as fifty or as few as three in any given session. 

After the last of those selected had vanished into the temple building, the side door closed and the purple clad priest gave a final blessing. Then those on the steps retreated up them and the main doors into the sanctuary closed.

The crowd slowly dispersed back towards the gate. Dai estimated there were nearly three hundred people of whom maybe a third were clearly ill. As they left each was given a private blessing, a smile and some encouraging words by one of three young novice priests. Some of the worshippers pushed donations into the hands that blessed them. More than one had silent tears falling down their cheeks as if their last hope had been taken from them.

It took the best part of an hour until Dai and Bryn stood alone in the courtyard and when they showed no sign of leaving, one of the novices came over.

“I am sorry, Submagistratus, but I can’t let you stay. The temple will be open to visitors later this afternoon, but for now you -”

“I need to speak to the chief administrator here, is that the Pontifex himself?” 

The novice looked a little uneasy. “Uh – no. that would be his subadiuva – Domina Adria Plautia Tacita. Would you like to see her?”

Dai smiled. “I would indeed, if you would be kind enough to take me to her office.”

The subadiuva suited her cognomen ‘Tacita’. She was a small, mouselike woman, with dark brown hair tied back into a neat knot at the back of her neck. She spoke in a very quiet voice, using the minimum of words required to answer Dai and Bryn’s enquiries.

“So you have no record that Zirri Yedder was ever here?”

“No.”

“No record of him sending an initial enquiry?”

“No.”

“And none that he was sent an invitation to attend a service here?”

She shook her head, her doe like eyes looking regretful. “I am sorry, dominus. We have no record of any of that.”

Bryn cleared his throat. “So can we have a complete list of who was invited the day he was seen to attend here?”

“Those names are…”

“And those for the two days before and after as well,” Dai added. “Please.”

“I would need the permission of the Pontifex,” Tacita said in little more than a whisper.

“No. You wouldn’t,” Dai assured her. “This is a murder investigation and as a pious man the Pontifex would not stand in the way of justice I am sure.”

She coloured slightly her hands lifting towards her face but pausing to fold over each other on her breasts. It was a gesture that made her look more mouselike than ever.

“I will have the information sent directly to your office later today, Submagistratus. But I will have to ask the Pontifex as he is the only one who has the password to access our archives.”

Defeated, Dai managed a polite leavetaking and headed back to Viriconium with Bryn and his own barely concealed annoyance for company.

***

The Villa Papaverus was a typical provincial dwelling for those Citizens of rank and status serving far from Rome and wanting to keep their civilized comforts. A large U-shaped building on two floors, set in the midst of its own estate, with a walled garden to the rear and outbuildings dotted around. It had become home to Dai Llewellyn and his new bride when he took on the role of Submagistratus in Demetae and Cornovii little less than a month previously. The villa went with the job as its official residence.

When the two men rolled up there in the late afternoon, Dai’s diminutive Roman wife, Julia, who had a shrewd handle on her husband and his friend, was waiting with a spicy dish of mutton and beans. She had asked their cook to heat and serve it when her husband told her he and Bryn were coming, and kept it hot over a spirit lamp. 

“That smells a bit exotic,” Bryn was cautious, though clearly tempted.

“Worried me at first,” Dai admitted, “but my lady wife persuaded me and it goes down very well.”

While they ate, Julia sat quietly, assessing the mood as one of generalised frustration. When Bryn finally put his spoon down and barely suppressed a satisfied belch she eyed the pair with some asperity.

“You may as well tell me, you know. I will find out anyway.”

Prior to her marriage, Julia had been an Inquisitor in the Vigiles herself, reporting directly to the Praetor in Rome, so this was no idle boast.  

Dying to be Cured by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook first appeared in Gods of Clay: A Sci Fi Roundtable Anthology.

How To Be Old – A Beginner’s Guide! (23)

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

If you’re old then you listen to me
There are many things that you must be
Kind natured and sweet
Liking tea as a treat
Not rampant and bold and sexy!

E.M. Swift-Hook

Jane Jago Writes – Gloriana

“It is entirely in your own hands archbishop,” the slender red-haired woman in the huge gilded chair spoke coldly and deliberately, “but you and your confederates have ensured that the majority of the populace believes in one virgin birth so I fail to see your problem.”

The ancient, and cadaverously thin, prelate stared at her for a long moment while the muscles in his jaw worked. He obviously wanted to say something but in the end he lacked the courage and subsided into fulminating silence.

“And you Master Cecil. Do you have nothing to say?”
The richly clad figure of Her Majesty’s spymaster in chief bowed floridly.
“This, your Majesty, is either a master stroke or the biggest mistake a reigning monarch ever made. With the greatest respect, we will not know which it is for many months yet.”
“Agreed, there is an element of risk but I would know whether you are with us in our great endeavour.”
Cecil dropped his world-weary pose and bowed his head.
“To death and beyond, Majesty. To death and beyond.”
“You can serve us best by remaining alive,” the Queen spoke with some asperity although her narrow dark eyes warmed a little as they rested on Cecil’s beaky face.

The third man came forward and bent the knee before his sovereign.
“Parliament will uphold whatever your majesty chooses to do.”
“My lord Essex was ever the gentleman,” the Queen laughed although it was a mirthless sound. “The lords temporal range themselves alongside us, as does Master Cecil’s organisation, which just leaves the lords spiritual to declare.”
Essex looked at the cleric with something akin to loathing.
“You are either with us, my lord archbishop, or you are against us. We have no time for you to mull over your decision.”
The stubborn old man in the cope and mitre stared at his queen.
“Do you even begin to know what you are asking?”
She regarded him for a long moment.
“We are perfectly well aware. But what would you have us do? Marry England to some foreign prince? Elevate one of our noble families above the others?”
The archbishop looked at her marble pale features with dawning respect.
“No, Majesty, I would have you do neither of those.”
“Then give me an alternative.”
The old man bowed his head.
“There is none. I stand corrected. The church ranges itself beside you.”
“Good.You may all leave us now.”

The three men bowed themselves out of the room and as soon as they had closed the door behind them the figure in the huge chair allowed her shoulders to sag just a little. A large sandy-haired man, dressed plainly in leather and homespun, stepped out from behind the rich hangings and came to kneel at her feet. She smiled down at him.
“It appears,” she said carefully, “that our plan has the support it needs. Now it is for you to do your part.”
He lifted one small foot in his large, calloused hand and brought it to his lips.

In due time Gloriana, the virgin queen, gave birth to a strapping red-haired son. She called him Henry after her great father, and he ruled wisely and well as did his own son and the son of his son, and the son of the son of his son….

Jane Jago

Puppy Poems – IV

Poems of puppy Fozzie Jago as he is exploring and experiencing the world!

Wot is this krissmus?
Who is the fat man?
They say he gots treatoes
In his caravan
They sez there is trees
Inside peepses howses
And something called stockings
And sugary mouses
They say there is turkey
Like very huge chiggun
Foz hopes that his hoomum
Is buying a biggun
What is this krissmus?
What chune do it play?
Foz gives hoomans and dog frens
A big kiss that day

Jane Jago

Q&A with Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV – Characters

Bonjour mes petites,

And as I place my fingers upon the keyboard to reach out to you, dear Readers Who Write, I feel a certain powerful link has now been established between us. I, your pedagogue, creator of the seminal classic science-fiction opus, ‘Fatswhistle and Buchtooth’, and you my disciples, minions of literature, striving to bring to birth your first fumbling fantasies.

What, you may wonder, led me to this pivotal point of realisation in our ongoing relationship? Well, it was that I received a missive from one Adoring Fan, asking – nay pleading with me, to come to her aid. And so, moved by her desperate plight, I shall don my metaphorical armour and ride to the rescue on my white charger.

Dear IVy,

Sometimes my characters do things that I don’t mean for them to do and it affects my plot. What should I do?

Regards,

Melonie.

Dear Melonie,

How I feel your pain and anguish! It is such a grief when those very characters which you have nursed and nurtured within your own bosom, turn on you like ungrateful lovers and spite your best intentions.

But you must first remember that these characters are brought to birth by the delicate insemination of the Muse into the fecund womb of your own creativity. These are the delightful love-children of Calliope and as such they are bound to challenge your parental authority and demand their own way in all things.

Now, there will be those who will say ‘Be firm!’ and insist you impose your will on these unruly offspring. It is your story and these characters are mere brain-foibles – figments you have postulated to carry the plot. Force them to do what you demand and be done with it!

But to such, I say ‘Fiddlesticks!’ and I say ‘Phooey!’. Those who take such a view understand nothing of the higher levels of authorial inspiration. To them is forever barred the inner sanctum of creative intimacy. They will never know the delight of engaging with the fruits of their literary loins. No, dear Melonie, I counsel you quite otherwise.

Be bold and invite your rebellious muselings to meet with you. Remember, these are not mere stirrings in your synapses, these are real and pure individual characters, formed from the life-breath of your soul.  So then, in an atmosphere of trust and empathy brought about by your deep familial bond, open your heart to them and show them the reasons for the choices you wish to make about their lives. And more, you must listen! Listen to their dulcet voices, their tones of appeal, their hopes, their fears, their aspirations. If well done, with the love and compassion every creative parent owes to the true and legitimate heirs of their art, then – and only then – will you reach a consensus and be able to progress.

Regards,

Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV

PS. Please do not address me as ‘IVy’ again that is a privilege I reserve only to my close and intimate friends and you do not qualify. Unless you happen to have written an incredibly popular fantasy or science fiction book of course, in which case I will send you my contact details by return and we may be able to enter into some form of carefully modulated acquaintanceship.

You can find more of IVy’s profound thoughts in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago.

Madam Pendulica’s Predictions for January

Take this exclusive opportunity to explore the mysteries of the zodiac through the wisdom of the esoterically enigmatic Madam Pendulica…

Aries

You will be butting heads with everybody this month. Just be sure to ram home your point in every argument. Woolly thinking never wins!

Taurus

This is the month you need to be bull-headed and stand by your decisions. If anyone accuses you of being stubborn just beef up your strong stance against those trying to horn in you.

Gemini

You will find yourself in two minds about the best way to handle things. Don’t be divided against yourself – you can have your cake and eat it too!

Cancer

You will be scuttling into some sticky situations this month. Be sure to snap up any opportunities and think laterally as that is always your strong suit.

Leo

People will be lionising your achievements this month, so don’t let any catty comments from work colleagues or loved ones dent your pride!

Virgo

This is the month to finally start that project you’ve been meaning to get around to. Either that or have an affair. You need to stop blushing so much.

Libra

That decision you’ve been weighing up will need to be addressed. Whichever way you tip the scales, you will need to balance your work and your personal life.

Scorpio

Just when you thought things were looking good you will discover the sting in the tail. Don’t start anything new this month, you’re facing venomous opposition.

Sagittarius

If you trot over to that attractive individual you’ve been horsing around with for a while now, you will find the pair of you could hoof it to sunnier climes. Take aim for the stars!

Aquarius

There will be a problem with your plumbing this month. Most likely a blocked toilet but it could be a major flood from a burst pipe. Good luck.

Pisces

You’ve been thinking there was something fishy about that offer that seemed too good to be true. Now you need to decide if you want to be a big fish in a small pool or make the leap to waters new.

Madame Pendulica predicts she will return…

January’s Song

January explodes upon the world
With fireworks and cheers
And auld lang syne.
Then creeps she neath her soft blankets
Of snow and mist
Within her house walled with ice
And roofed with frost
And on the casement panes
She prints star patterns,
Draws icicles on eave and gable,
Paints the lawn from green to white
And with bony fingers reaches
Like the leafless trees
To caress the greyness of the sky.

Eleanor Swift-Hook

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