Word of the Day – Misconstrue

In an effort to educate the nominally literate and inform those with sufficient humility to understand their own lack of comprehension, Esme offers the correct definition of misunderstood words…

Misconstrue

  1. (noun – pronunciation note: miss-cons-true) A successful female fraudster. Example: After she vanished with his life savings, Roger realised the woman he loved was a misconstrue.
  2. (verb – pronunciation note: misc-on-strew) Spreading various random items over a surface. Example: She emptied her handbag onto the table and misconstrued them to try and find her lipstick.

If you have any words whose meaning escapes you, Esme Crockford is always happy to share her lexicographical knowledge and penetrating insight into the English language.

Dai and Julia – A Bit Irregular

In a modern-day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

It was pleasant bowling through the winter countryside with the thin sunshine turning the dead bracken orange. and a pale blue sky overhead. Julia revelled in a moment to just sit.
“You don’t get a lot of down time do you, domina?” Bryn observed.
“No. And I sometimes wonder if it was wise of me to take this job alongside motherhood and the rest of it. But I have good people around me. And I think I might go mad if domesticity was the whole of my life.”
“That’s what Gwen says about you. Reckons your mind is too busy to be satisfied by just running a house. She’s much the same, but she has her healing and the Druid stuff.”
“I know Gwen understands. But Dai’s mam can’t. I think that’s why she pokes and prods about how I’m bringing up Aelwen and Rhodri.”
“That’s also what Gwen says. She’s been tempted to interfere, she and Olwen being good friends, but she thinks you have it in hand.”
“ I do. I just ignore it. But it hurts Dai. Though it may be going to stop because Gallus has promised to have a word.”
“I reckon that’ll turn the trick. Olwen is not an easy woman in a lot of ways, but he manages to love her and live with her.”
Julia laughed. “Yes, well, what she refers to in her son as ‘Llewellyn angst’ could just as easily have come from her.” Bryn grunted. “Very probably. But, domina. We seem to have acquired a tail.”
Julia looked in the rear-view mirror. There was a shiny muscle truck barrelling along behind them, and,  judging by the black smoke from its exhaust, it was being driven as fast as it would go. She showed her teeth.
“So we do. That was quick.”
“It was. Maybe too quick for it to be a decision from on high. I mean, all a car chase is going to do is bring whoever into even clearer focus. And that’s stupid.”
“Yes. As you say. Stupid and knee jerk.”
Bryn made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat. “If I had time, I’d go back and bounce my pacifier off his thick head.”
Julia laughed. “I reckon it’s an inept attempt at intimidation. They mean to put the frighteners on us. Run us into a ditch and clear off. No real harm done. Just frighten the little woman so she backs off.”
“Yeah. Somebody doesn’t know you very well, do they? What do you want to do? I’ve no great fancy to be chasing up and down the Mawddach with some idiot trying to run me off the road.”
“Me neither. Are you game for a bit of rule bending?”
“Always.”
Julia slid a hand under her armpit and brought out her trusty pistol.
“Submagistratus Llewellyn, you aren’t carrying a concealed weapon are you?”
“I am and as I’m both a citizen and technically a Vigiles, it’s fully legal. It’s what I propose to do with it that’s a bit irregular.”
“Tell me more.”
“Even chummy’s favourite muscle truck is going nowhere on shredded tyres.”
Bryn’s grin was every bit as appreciative as she had hoped it would be. “What’s the drill?”
“Next longish straight bit of track you speed up. Then slow right back. We see how our tail reacts. If we think he really is following us, I shoot out a couple of his tyres.”
Bryn chuckled. “On it, domina.”
As he spoke the track widened, flattened, and became arrow-straight following the line of one of the roads built by Julia’s ancestors. Bryn increased speed and Julia turned in her seat.
“The stupid irrumator is only trying to catch us.”
She knelt up. “Slow down now Bryn, but reduce speed gently.”
As Bryn eased up on the speed their pursuer kept on coming. Julia raised her pistol and put two rounds in his left front tyre. The vehicle lurched violently to the left, and as the driver fought his bucking bronco of a vehicle she gave the right front a similar treatment. That rather put paid to any further pursuit.

From the The Dai and Julia MysteriesDying for a Present, a novella by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago.

How To Be Old – A Beginner’s Guide! (17)

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

If you’re old then the rule really is
You have to like cribbage and bridge
Your idea of fun
Should be tea and a bun
Not neat vodka straight out of your fridge

Eleanor Swift-Hook

It’s Halloween

It’s Halloween and I am feared
To walk the woods tonight
The creatures who avoid the sun
Have by the flight of hags been cheered
And they my sorrows slight
And though the night has just begun
Wind whistles in the forest beard
While eldritch flickering light
Pursues me as they have their fun
Their voices sibilant and weird
Echo strangely, and the fright
Dictates I lift my heels and run

Jane Jago

Aeva’s Challenge – V

A tale of angels, demons and dragons…

One of the forest gods screwed up her leafy face. “What does it matter which mortal is missing? They are of little account anyway.”
Lucifer bulked his shoulders dangerously before looking at Aeva. “Now you see what I am up against. Most of this lot are as stupid as stumps. And capricious with it.”
“At least you are not stupid.”
He grinned at her and she couldn’t help smiling back at him.
“Aeva Darkstar, are you sure you are only half demon?”
“Probably.”
Lucifer sobered abruptly. “Why have you never asked me for anything?”
“I promised Mama I wouldn’t. She always said one of us making a bargain with Shaitan was sufficient.”
“What did she…” Lucifer wrinkled his brow as he thought, then he nodded once. “Oh yes. I remember. But that was such a tiny thing. I only asked for payment to make her feel better. She was a proud mortal, and I rather liked her. I was wrath with your father when she died.”
“So was I. But he never learned to fear either of us.”
“He knows now. He is chained and he will stay so.”
“Until some other demon frees him.”
Lucifer showed his many rows of teeth in a death’s head rictus that bore little relationship to the smile that had spawned it.
“Nobody will be setting him free this time. I locked the manacles with my own hand, and the collar about his throat. He goes nowhere.”
Gabriel had been in close conversation with one of the animal-headed deities of the Nile and he cleared his throat.
“Seti here says the words the acolyte remembers sound like the language of the desert to him. And the name Water is often used as an alias by the desert draca.”
“Thank you. And now I think it is time me and mine were not here.”
As Aeva bent to draw a portal in the raked sand there came a bang, a flash, the smell of burning incense, and the sound of creative swearing. A large female mortal fell in a heap at the centre of the amphitheater and scrambled to her feet, glaring around her. She was about seven feet tall with hands like washboards and the shoulders of an ox. She wore a pointed helmet with a heavy nosepiece, a leather breastplate and kilt, and her greaves and vambraces were of polished brass. On the other side of the coin, the braids that all but reached her knees were bright gold, her eyes were startlingly blue, and her face looked as if it had been sculpted by a master.
Aeva sighed. “Gudrun. What are you doing here?”
“You may well ask, Invigilator. Mother and Grandmother were fretting that not enough is being done to find my misbegotten whelp of a brother – and I think one of the old magick wielders decided to help. One minute I’m sitting in the great hall listening to them pair going on and on and on. The next I’m here.” Gudrun bulked her muscles. “Right. Now I am here, I’ll just be taking over the job of hunting down little brother and kicking his arse for him.”
Aeva sighed again. “No. You are taking over nothing. And if you don’t calm down you won’t even be coming with us.”
The silence in the place was profound as even the gods held their breath waiting for the giant berserker to lose control and throw herself at the slight figure before her. Only it didn’t happen. Instead, Gudrun grinned wryly.
“Do you tell me that you are mistress of the hunt Aeva Darkstar?”
“I am.”
“Grandmother is so not going to like that. She is having a hard enough time with the life debt we already owe you.” Then she spat in her palm and held out a large hand. Aeva spat too and they smacked palms.
“Just remember who is in charge.”
“As if I could forget.”
Aeva snorted and bent to the ground. She carefully drew the sigils that would have her portal come out precisely where she needed to be. Carelessness in this matter had cost others of her order their lives or their sanity.
“Join hands,” she said and her group formed a human chain before following her into nothingness.
Invigilator created portals are an uncomfortable way to travel, but after a moment of extreme sensory deprivation one and twenty creatures stepped out into burning sand under an ochre coloured sky. Aeva led the way to a stand of strange looking trees whose spiny trunks and sharp leaves offered the benison of deep bluish shade. Gudrun looked out over the harsh landscape of stone and sand and shivered.
“I don’t much like this place.”
“Me neither, but with only average luck we won’t be here too long. Now just sit down and hush. I am going out there with one other and I need the rest of you to stay put no matter what. You are going to see weird things. But. It will all be illusion. Sound and fury. It cannot touch me. However it will not be safe for anyone else to leave the shade. Can you be trusted?”
Gudrun looked into Aeva’s face and whatever she saw there convinced her. “Yes. I can sit on my beast for however long it takes.” She smiled brightly at the half-demon Fighters who surrounded her. “I’m sure me and the boys can find something to occupy us.”
Aeva shook her head before turning her attention to the de facto leader of the guard detachment. “Will you accompany me out there? It isn’t going to be too much fun, and I cannot actually guarantee your safety, but I need an anchor.”
He smiled. “You did not have to ask, lady. I am yours to command.”
“I will not command you to put yourself in danger. That is not my way. I will only ask.”
To her surprise, every Fighter raised the back of his right hand to his forehead and bowed low.
“What?”
It was Gudrun who answered her. “Fighters of every kidney respect courage, and the command of one who puts herself in danger first.”
“That is so,” the blue-skinned giant concurred, and his approval warmed Aeva’s soul.
Deeming there to be no time to explore that strange emotional pull, Aeva put it to one side and bent to remove her boots.
“Shall we?”
He came to her side and they walked out onto the burning sands together.
“Will you not burn your feet?”
“No. And the connection is necessary. But I thank you for your concern.” She looked up into the shuttered darkness of his face. “My friend. May I have the holding of your name?”
His face lightened. “If I am indeed your friend.”
“You are. Do you not feel it?”
“I do, but I was afraid it was only in my breast.”
Aeva put her hand in his, where it looked small and fragile, and he gently folded his fingers around it.
“My name is Adamo.”
“And I am Aeva Belladonna.”

Aeva’s Challenge by Jane Jago will continue next week.


Granny’s Pearls of Wisdom – Gym Membership

Pearls of wisdom from an octogenarian who’s seen it all…

My grandson’s family got given a gym membership for Christmas two years ago. He proudly tells me they used it twice. He thinks pumping iron a dead bore. His wife said the pool was so chlorinated she came out pale green. And his teenage daughters insisted that the place stank.

This is an extreme case, but research (a straw poll taken at the Cat and Scrotum just before last orders on a Saturday night) suggests that only one gym member in twenty even knows precisely where the place is.

Advice then. Only buy gym membership if you are serious about getting fit.

Bet you aren’t…

Darkling Drabble 8

A darkling drabble offers a shiver of horror in a hundred words…

Jack was a soulless parasite who specialised in marrying lonely middle-aged women. His latest fiancée was a satisfactorily wealthy soul whose adoration he enjoyed almost as much as her money.

When she wasn’t at the front door to greet him, he called her name. There was no reply, only a single drip, drip. 

Thinking of plumbing he looked upwards only to be hit in the face by a splatter of blood from the partially decapitated body hanging over the banister.

He screamed and ran.

Into the arms of his last but one wife. 

Who had found him.

At last…

Jane Jago

Word of the Day – Categorize

In an effort to educate the nominally literate and inform those with sufficient humility to understand their own lack of comprehension, Esme offers the correct definition of misunderstood words…

Categorize

  1. (verb – pronunciation note: cat-ego-rise) Making a fuss of your pet to boost its self-esteem. Example: Tibbles had hidden from the vacuum cleaner, so her owner quickly categorised her..
  2. (proper noun – pronunciation note: Cate-go-rise) An alarm clock made by a brand associated with a famous actress. Example: The new Categorise will get you out of bed looking as gorgeous as Ms Blanchett!.

If you have any words whose meaning escapes you, Esme Crockford is always happy to share her lexicographical knowledge and penetrating insight into the English language.

Dai and Julia – The New Magistratus

In a modern-day Britain where the Roman Empire never left, Dai and Julia solve murder mysteries, whilst still having to manage family, friendship and domestic crises…

The working office of the Magistratus had changed considerably since Sextus Catus Bestia had taken over the role in Demetae and Cornovii six months previously. Dai Llewellyn, Submagistratus for the same area, still fondly recalled the simple and yet tasteful decor the previous incumbent had preferred. Bestia, by contrast, favoured opulence over simplicity and substituted extravagance for good taste. But then, unlike his predecessor who had risen through the administrative ranks, Bestia had transferred into the state sector after enjoying a successful career as a commercial lawyer. Dai assumed that impressing business clients required such an ostentatious display of wealth, but the same sat ill with the kind of civic dignity expected of Bestia’s present role.
Not that the man couldn’t easily afford the expensive artwork lining the walls, the rarewood furniture, the bejewelled and gilded bust of the Divine Diocletian and the elaborate full-length golden-framed painting of himself and his wife of a few weeks. That marriage had surely made him one of the wealthiest men in all of Viriconium.
Which was why this present meeting was beginning to make Dai move from frustration into anger. Bestia was sitting in his throne-like desk chair, hands resting on the carved lions that adorned the arms. The late afternoon sun had painted the window behind him with glowing light, adding to the regal impression. He also looked regally bored, as if he found the whole business of overseeing the administration tedious in the extreme.
“I see no reason to bend the rules just because your Senior Investigator has a gut-instinct about something. Cartivel must be close to retirement age and is probably just dyspeptic.” He smiled as if inviting Dai to share the joke.
“I’m not asking you to bend any rules. I’m asking you to sign-off further resources to investigate properly. I would if I could, but have already authorised this case to the limit of my authority.”
Bestia glanced down at the file on his desk. “Indeed. I see you granted SI Cartivel and his team an entire day in man hours. Time they have used to ascertain little more than that this woman was known to be a lupa and known to be willing to take money from clients who wanted more extreme practices than the usual. But there are no grounds that I can see here for me to extend the investigation any further. It would be a waste of public money.”
“If Malina Tesni was a Roman Citizen…”
For the first time, Bestia sounded annoyed.
“If the woman was a Roman Citizen, she would not have been a common British puta who was paid well by an over-vigorous client.”
“Over-vigorous?” For a moment Dai saw the start of a red haze clouding on the edges of his vision and with a supreme effort of will he fought it down, drawing a deep breath and counting silently.
“Distasteful as it is, there was nothing to suggest she had been abused against her will. She was also found with what I am assured would be a substantial payment for a street woman. No doubt an incentive to allow her client more leeway in his behaviour.”
“She was beaten half to death. The autopsy said she died of those injuries having caused severe internal bruising and swelling.”
“It was not murder. There was clearly no intent to kill or why pay the woman and let her go home? At very best it was an accidental death. No one has denied that she was a prostitute and that is a profession that we all know carries certain occupational hazards.” His expression softened suddenly and his voice shifted to something more like friendly cajoling. “You are a good man, a good Citizen and a good administrator, Llewellyn. I do understand why you feel so strongly about this, but you must let it go. It’s for the best.”
Dai had been sitting but now he shot to his feet.
“Let it go? Dominus, the man who did this is somewhere in Viriconium and he could do the same to another woman.”
Bestia lifted one hand from its lion’s head resting place.
“Stop right there. Firstly, I already said that I completely understand where you are coming from with this. Who could not be appalled at by it? But where is the crime? There is no law against prostitution.” He leaned back and shook his head, looking saddened. “If anything the dead woman is the criminal here. The only prosecutable offense I can see is failure on her part to have purchased a license to practice her trade. And, of course, the subsequent charges of tax evasion that would lead to, especially seeing how well she was being paid.”
Dai struggled to find some way to frame things in terms that could penetrate Bestia’s lawyer logic.
“If she was a Citizen there would be unlimited resources made available to uncover the man who did this whether it was deemed consensual or not. What if the man is local and his next victim is a Citizen?”
Bestia was frowning now.
“You should know better than that, Submagistratus. We can’t run the Vigiles on ‘what ifs’. There is no reason to think the man was local, indeed it is more likely someone passing through, staying the night and wanting some entertainment. And even if he was local, you have already spent public money on investigating something that is not a crime. Instead of asking me for more perhaps you should apologise and be grateful that I’m not going to mention that you did so on any official report.”
The red haze rose and this time Dai could do nothing to stop it. His last conscious act was to turn and start walking towards the door. Better to be rude to his superior than get arrested for attacking him.

From Dying on the Streets by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago

How To Be Old – A Beginner’s Guide! (16)

Advice on growing old disgracefully from an elderly delinquent with many years of expertise in the art – plus free optional snark…

I am old, that’s no bone of contention
And I got here without intervention
So why would I think twice
On your so-called advice?
Hush your mouth, I’m not paying attention

© jane jago

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