Coffee Break Read – Crinitia

“We’re investigating a murder then?”
“You’d think.” Dai made no attempt to keep the wry note from his voice. “But we got the budget for this from Antiquities. Our masters value the stolen document, ‘an artefact of Roman significance’, more than the life of the courier — but then she was only a Briton.”
His mood was not improved when they went to interview the owner of the stolen document, a Roman Citizen and an official who also owned the chump half of Valentia in northern Britain. Claudius Albus Balbus. Balbus refused a polite invitation to come to the vigiles headquarters, so they tracked him down to his plush hotel.
It was a shimmering construction built beside the skyliner ascent, convenient to transport access for visiting Romans. Dai noted the stylized eagle, wings spread, hovering over the door ‘SPQR’ clutched in its ceramic talons. He was not surprised this building was sub aquila — Roman only. He was also not surprised when he and Bryn had to show their ID before being allowed past by the discreet security guard in the portico. He was surprised, however, when Bryn nudged him in the ribs and nodded at the retreating back of a man who had just walked out of the building.
“Atty Brickenden. Thug for hire. How could scum like him even get let into this place?”
“Maybe he was providing drugs for one of the visitors.” Dai suggested.
“True. Or fixing them up with a girl.”
Asking after Balbus, once inside, Dai was told the magistratus could be found in the atrium. Dai led the way until he was brought to a halt at the door of the open courtyard. An elegant woman, wearing a stylish stola, daringly cut and in this season’s colours, stood occupying the entrance.
“Oh, there you are. At last.” She lifted a languid hand imperiously and pointed to her feet. “Crinitia needs to visit the little girl’s room.”
Dai’s gaze followed her pointing finger down to what appeared to be a perfect sphere of fluff, from which emerged a leash that was looped over her arm. By the time he had registered that ‘Crinitia’ had to be some variety of canine, the woman was pressing the end of the lead into his hand and, as he opened his mouth to explain, she walked away.
Behind him, Bryn was suffering an inexplicable fit of coughing and wore an unrepentant grin when Dai spun round.
“I don’t know how you do it. Your Celtic charm wins the ladies every time, Bard.”
Dai returned the grin, but with an edge of irritation behind it. He held out the lead.
“Looks like you get to take Fluffy here for a mingo and merda, Decanus Cartivel.”
Bryn’s smile faded suddenly. “You don’t seriously mean— ”
“Oh but I do.”

From Dying to Alter History by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook, one of the fourteen alternate history short stories in Tales From Alternate Earths 3 from Inklings Press.

Glossary
Please note these are not always accurate translations, they are how these terms are used in Dai and Julia’s world.
Decanus – sargeant.
Magistratus – senior official with legal jurisdiction over an area.
Merda – shit
Mingo – piss
Portico – entrance hall
SPQR (Senātus Populusque Rōmānus) -The Senate and People of Rome.
Stola – female formal wear.
Sub aquila – literally ‘under the eagle’. An eagle above the entrance of any building means it is Citizen access only – aside for those who might work there of course.
Valentia – we would call it Northern England.
Vigiles – Police. In Dai and Julia’s world the police are a sub-branch of the military.

Gnomes – Poteen 9

When the loud banging and creative swearing started to emanate from the hole in the ground under the greenhouse, Brenda went for a visit with Granny.
“They find somebody to read their book to them?”
“No. They’m following the pictures.”
“What. Like the biggers and flat pack furniture?”
“Very like.”
Brenda winced. “I’ll just have everybody move to a safe distance then.”
“I would. Them three isn’t likely to get hurt, they’m too stupid. But one of the flower fairies could cop for a big problem.”
Brenda nodded.
The fairytale people shifted themselves away from the veggible garden and waited…

©jj 2022

Coffee Break Read – Nasty

What happens when the hunter becomes the hunted…

Even for someone who’d seen more bad things than most in a long career with the Coalition Security Forces, the images being projected onto the wall of the briefing room were hard to look at.
Really hard.
At first glance, he found it difficult to tell if the images showed something that had indeed once been human. Plastered up on a screen and close to twice normal size, it looked more like something drawn from the hyper-imagination of a special effects creator working on some VR linkcast nasty. In case any gory detail of the torture inflicted was missed by the viewer, the images showed it all from several angles, and zoom shots homed in on each specific injury in horrid magnification.
It was butchery.
“Just in case there is any doubt about the kind of people we are dealing with here, this is just one example of their work.” The voice of the briefing officer was unemotional. “This man was once one Foss Fingal. Almost all the injuries you can see were inflicted before death.”
The narrator paused as two male faces appeared, one on each side of the original image. One showed a man smiling and at ease with himself and the world; the other, a man who wore a taut expression, watchful, expecting some kind of attack.
Durban Chola and Jazatar Baldrik.
“These, then, are the two people responsible,” the briefing continued. “One ordered it done and the other carried it out. Let’s be very clear from the outset, these are not pleasant individuals — even by ‘City standards.” The understatement hung in the darkened room like a bad smell.
So this really was something serious.
Even before the presentation began it had been pretty obvious this was going to be big. Instead of the briefing taking place in the usual way by link conferencing, he had been ordered to report to Coalition Security Force Headquarters in Central. And he’d been given the kind of thorough security check-in normally reserved for visitors, not for the fully-cleared, ID carrying operative that he was. Then there was the fact that he had been shown into a room buried deep in the heart of the HQ complex. A briefing room with no external windows and quietly dominated by the subtle hum of full-on surveillance damping with all external link access shut-off. Just in case anyone there was inclined to make an illicit private recording of the proceedings.
Another giveaway that this was anything but a regular briefing, not that he had still been in any doubt at all by that stage, was the identity of the man who greeted him: Garn Jecks. Calculating it out, Jecks would be the boss of his section head’s boss’s boss. In fact, Jecks was the ultimate boss. He was the man in charge of the entire Coalition Security Force and hovering close to deity as far as most regular serving CSF officers were concerned.
“Dugsdall. Right. Good that you are here. Take a seat.”
There was only one empty seat in the area of the room where Jecks gestured, so he sat on it and glanced around briefly to see if he knew anyone else. The woman on the chair beside him looked the lean, mean and hungry kind – the only doubt being exactly where that hunger was focused. She was presently focused on whatever personal screens held her attention, but he had a strong feeling they were not going to be ones about her favourite esport celebrities.
Whatever it was she was looking at must have been pretty attention-grabbing though, as her top teeth were visible, pressing hard into her bottom lip as she concentrated. Then she moved her arm and he saw the slight bulk of a wrist slot analysis device, no doubt the source of her screens. It also answered all his questions: she was on a power climb – a woman literally wired to her work. Which made her exactly the kind of person he would choose to swim a shark-filled river in full spate to avoid.

From Iconoclast: Mistrust and Treason a Fortune’s Fools book by E.M. Swift-Hook which is only 0.99 to buy for a limited period.

Limericks on Life – 22

Because life happens…

Growing older means now you can smile
When you think how it was for a while
In your youthful years
When all of your fears
Were about if you had the right style

E.M. Swift-Hook

Out Today: One For Sorrow by Jane Jago

One For Sorrow, an impossible steampunk love story from Jane Jago, is out today…

It was an unremarkable chop house in an unremarkable street. The gas lamps hissed, the waitstaff hustled, and the ‘companions’ of both sexes cruised the room like hungry alligators. In the darkest corner, two people sat at a table eating pie and mash of the day. The man was handsome, in a narrow-featured sort of a way, and his well-pressed city clothing might have marked him out for a chiv in the ribs had he not been well known in these parts. His companion was less remarkable, if you discounted the scar that marred the smoothness of her face, drawing down the left-hand edge of her eye and twisting her lip into a permanent sneer.
She pushed her chair a little back from the table. “Lovely though it is to see you, Louis the Lip, I’m pretty sure you never asked me here for old home week.”
His smile was humourless and didn’t reach his fish-cold eyes.
“I might have a job for you, Marta.”
“Go to hell, Louis. I ain’t forgot where the last job you talked me into got me.”
He showed her his teeth. “Do this one and you can forget you ever owed me a debt.”
“That’s what you said last time.”
“I did. But you never done the job, did you.”
She reached across the table and bunched her fist in the snowy whiteness of his shirt.
“Careful Louis Boy. You know what that train wreck cost me.”
He couldn’t meet the cold anger in her eyes, instead he tried and failed to pull his shirt out of her hand. He gave up and grabbed her wrist exerting all the pressure he could, but she was immobile. He tried another tack.
“Be reasonable Marta. That weren’t none of my fault.”
She let go of his shirt and snarled deep in her throat.
“No. But I bet you enjoyed it. You’re the sort of son-of-a-bitch that’d take pleasure in that kind of carnage.”
He snarled and snatched for the pistol that hung at his side, but his hand never got there. Marta laughed, though it was a sound as cold and smooth as the skin of a winter rattlesnake. Louis looked towards the sound and found himself staring into the twin hexagonal ‘eyes’ of a short-barrelled flintlock.
“Don’t move, asshole. If’n that’s your idea of a fast draw, it’s a wonder you managed to survive this long. You want to be careful or you’ll end up in the ground with a cross at your head and a stone at your feet.”
Louis put his hands on the table and a big red-headed man in the next booth laughed.
“Smart Mouth Louis. Died of a case of the slow.” He mocked.
Louis’s neck went puce with anger, but he knew not to push his luck any further. At the moment the clientele of the chophouse was amused, but if he drew down on Marta after being beaten fair and square he knew he could expect to wind up as full of holes as his cooking cousin’s best colander.
She looked at him and the contempt in her face might have seared his conscience if he possessed such a thing.
“Frag off Louis, and don’t forget to pay for the food.”
He leaned towards her. “You owe me.”
“Louis. If we’re talking about owing, I think the shoe’s on the other foot.”
“Oh, yeah. Who paid your hospital bills?”
“The same man that bought my arm, Louis. And it warn’t you.”
“Arm?”
Marta stripped the thin leather glove off her right hand to expose the contraption of brass and wire that was her arm from the elbow down.
“Yes, Louis. Arm.”
He stared, mesmerised and she crooked a brass finger at him.
“Why don’t you come a bit closer? Let me get these fingers around your throat.”
He reared back as if he had been stung.
“Marta. Please.” He sounded desperate. “It’s a bodyguard job for Lyonette Firedrake. Just for one journey. She wants you and her daddy already paid me.”
“Then you’re gonna have to pay him back ain’t you.”
“I can’t.” His anguished voice rose towards falsetto. “I don’t have the money no more.”
Marta lifted a shoulder. “I should care.”
“What about what I done for your man?”
He only just managed to leap back in time to avoid her grasping hand.
“Don’t you mean what you done to him, if it really was you. If you’re telling the truth for once in your miserable life you better be afraid because when I catch you, I’ll rip your head off and shove it up your arse.”

If you would like to keep reading you can snag your copy here…

The cover is designed by Ian Bristow, you can find his work at Bristow Design.

Gnomes – Poteen 8

With the rotting potato having been given a decent burial, life returned to something like normality, although…
Some days later, Oisin was seen staggering across the croquet lawn with a book clasped in his skinny arms. He stopped beside the stone seat where ‘Dolphus nome sat reading his little volume of pomes. The ensuing conversation was loud and recriminatory.
“Brenda said no poteen.”
“I ain’t axing you to make poteen.”
“No. But you’m axing me to tell you how to do it.”
“Don’t be a bumwipe ‘Dolphus.”
Even reading nomes have a breaking point—as Oisin and his book discovered.

©jj 2022

Roguing Thieves – Six

Roguing Thieves is a previously unpublished Fortune’s Fools story by E.M. Swift-Hook.

Dekker walked in, bouncing on the balls of his feet and grinning. Beside him was a heavyset woman, her long hair braided and a younger woman, looking barely out of her teens with a face like the business end of an energy snub, blunt and hard. Dekker waved a hand towards her. “Daiyu, Goldie, this is Panvia, our new engineer. And I’m going to guess Tols has been a bit of a naughty lad and not told her quite the truth.” An edge of menace had slipped into his tone as he finished, banishing the banter. Pan’s brain seized with cold terror, leaving her unable to move or make a sound.
Tolin had taken a step towards the three when they first came in, placing himself beside Pan as he did so. Now he moved to stand between her and the others.
“I already told you, she didn’t need to know. She didn’t…”
“But now she does,” Dekker said quietly.
“I don’t think it’s quite the big deal you two seem to think it,” the heavyset woman, Daiyu, put in. “Why don’t we ask Panvia herself what she thinks instead of you two making like grets in rut at each other. It might come as a real surprise to you both, but she’s got a voice and a mind of her own.”
They were all looking at Pan now and something in Daiyu’s words released her from internal lockdown. The fear seemed to take a step back and she was able to draw breath again.
“It’s just all a bit much to take on board,” she said, hearing how thin and weak that sounded. Tolin put his arms around her and drew her to him. She didn’t resist and turned her head so her cheek was pressed against his shoulder.
“I know,” he said. “And I’m sorry. I meant to tell you. Dek isn’t a regular kind of pirate. He’s been a good friend to me. To others too. And after I lost my ship, it was Dek who set me up with the new one. Without him, I’d have had nothing.”
Pan’s brain was working again – running in overdrive. The odd conversations she’d noticed in the past between Tolin and other freetraders, taking an excessive interest in where they were going and what they were carrying. Sometimes to the point of rudeness. Even asking her to talk to some of the more reticent freetraders to find out for him. It was always explained away as part of sussing out trade opportunities, but now…. Tolin was a pirate’s runner and she had never even realised. She had been working for pirates all that time too, even if she had never known it.
And piracy was a capital offense under Coalition law.
Her mind reached back and reframed all that had happened from the moment they met in the stark and ugly light of that revelation. Even the way they met, like something out of a romantic drama, he must have set that up too. The blood ran cold in her veins freezing her emotions into grotesque ice-sculptures in her psyche. They glared at her with hideous leers – guilt, betrayal, hurt, rage, terror, despair. One day there would be a reckoning needed with each one of them. But none could touch her at this time. With the calm clarity that bestowed, she knew that whatever she said next was going to determine her prospects of survival in the short term and the course of the rest of her life.
Gently disentangling herself from her betrayers arms, she stepped back and gave a nod of acknowledgement to Daiyu before addressing her words to Dekker.
“If Tolin says you helped him out when he was in a bad place, that means we both owe you, big time. I’m not sure what you want of me. But if it’s a just a decent engineer, I can do that.” This time she knew her voice sounded steady and strong.
Dekker’s old-too-young eyes bored into her and she met them unflinching. Then he grinned. Sudden and hard. His fist thumped into her arm, painfully. “Welcome to the crew, Pan.”
Tolin pulled her into a new hug and Daiyu was smiling.
“And yes,” Dekker went on, “what we really need is a decent engineer to keep this place running, fix up the ships we bring home and tweak our best girl so she’s at the top of her game. Randja had an accident on our last run. Didn’t make it home. So we’re sorely in need of your skills here.”
The other woman, the one Dekker had called Goldie, stood slightly apart, her face expressionless.

There will be more Roguing Thieves next Sunday…

Rosebuds

So my rosebuds have been gathered
And my harvest taken in
As my life draws into winter
Though the season it is spring
And the days are getting longer
Though they always seem too short
Now the sun is shining brighter
Than I had sometimes thought
Yet still the world seems darker
Than twas in my days of youth
The ever-growing shadows
The cold and bitter truth
But there are still always pastimes
And often good company
With bonhomie and laughter
And honey still for tea…

E.M. Swift-Hook

Weekend Wind Down – Lyned

Winter had come to the central belt of Temsevar’s Western Continent, but not as a gentle embrace of soft flaky flurries and decorative crystal icicles hanging from picturesque gables. It came as it always came: rapacious and violent with high winds driving dense sheets of hard-packed snow at sub-zero temperatures into every unprotected nook and cranny. It covered everything in a blood-freezing, impenetrable white shroud, armour-plated with ice.
The girl, who stood by the window, looked out into the maelstrom with storm-riven grey eyes. Before, she had only ever gazed upon the softer onslaught of cold which descended on Harkera. South of its protective mountains and warmed by the seas of the Lesser Ocean, the southern kingdom was blessed in suffering a less violent assault of the elements than that which now raged beyond her window. But despite being aggressively invasive, she found the bitingly chill draft that seeped around the window frame and through the shutters, almost comforting. It reminded her that beyond her own, ruined world, the pall of isolation was being inflicted on all Temsevar. And whilst it remained surely no army could march.
Everyone made mistakes.
A lady of the court might choose the wrong shade or weave of fabric to make a fashionable gown, a notary might add up a column of figures inaccurately, friends might fall out over false gossip. Those were all mistakes that everyone could understand and forgive. But to betray one’s country by mistake was a different kind of miscalculation. It was not the kind of error that anyone could ever understand or forgive – worse, it was not the kind of error one could ever understand or forgive in oneself.
It was odd how romance, fuelled by the flames of ardour and simple animal passion could capture even the most detached and analytical of souls, making it slave to the senses. She, who had always prided herself on the strength of her intellect and impartiality, had fallen hostage to the same blind emotions which she had despised in her friends. She had watched all her contemporaries becoming simpering spouses before they had reached their twentieth summers and had shaken her head at their folly in sacrificing their independence for an effectively subservient role in a life-time partnership.
She had believed herself immune to the snares of those more flaccid sentiments, and immured in a severe and secure maturity of affection. But all that had counted for nothing when she met Ralik. His presence had transformed her from being a sensible, well-founded and emotionally stable adult into something more like a giddy fifteen year old. Swept along by her own treacherous emotions, she had not only condoned but actively engaged in kidnap, treason and probably murder. She felt a stab of self-revilement and her lips twisted with irony. Yes, everyone made mistakes but Lyned Islin made hers on a scale of life-sweeping grandeur and shook the destiny of nations, careless, as she went.
One thing Lyned was not ignorant about was history and she knew Temsevar had always been politically unstable. Based on the city-states, each ruled by its own Castellan with feudal powers over the Vavasors of dependent smaller towns and villages, bound together by bonds of blood, marriage, trade and the necessities of survival and driven apart by power plays, intrigue, politics and war. A few of the city-states had on occasion grouped themselves through conquest or mutual design, into loose alliances or nascent nations.
Alone, from earliest times, Harkera had been a sovereign nation, proud of its strength and its heritage of high culture. Never, since the founding of the nation – an event long lost in myth and legend – had it been anything other than the wealthiest and most powerful of Temsevar’s political forces. Protected by the mountains which separated it from the central lowlands and deserts of the Western Continent, nurtured by the balmy currents and winds that came in from the Lesser Ocean, Harkera had been blessed by the gods with every advantage of nature: fertile soil, warm climate and in the mountains, reserves of precious and common minerals. Nothing had threatened the towering independence of Harkera, until Qabal Vyazin had begun his meteoric climb to power.
Lyned knew civil war had weakened Harkera politically and economically, but it had also strengthened it in military terms, but not enough, never enough, to stand against the precocious ferocity of the Warlord from the north. Then, with the wolves of Vyazin virtually at the gates of Harkera’s capital city, Cressida, a miracle had delivered the military genius of the age to defend her – Jariq Zarengor, the Black Vavasor. He who had been the architect of so many of Vyazin’s own victories, the Warlord’s most loyal right hand, had betrayed his lord, defected, and come to succour Harkera.
It should have meant the survival of Harkera, the turning back of the Warlord and the breaking of his sharp fangs upon the white walls of Cressida. But she, daughter of the most trusted Castellan in the councils of the Regent of Harkera, had committed as great a treason as Zarengor.
In her father’s service had been an exiled northern nobleman: tall, dark, and more than handsome enough to inflame her senses, kind and honourable enough to hold her heart and intelligent and educated enough to engage her mind. At twenty-five, she had long since set aside any thoughts of marriage and romance and considered herself wedded only to her studies. In her teens she had persuaded her father to allow her to travel to Keran, the capital of all Temsevar by virtue of its space port, to study there and all her ambitions since she returned were focused around the development of Cressida’s nascent university, which would have been the first ever founded on the continent. But Ralik had broken through that complacency and left her in an alien landscape of passion, blind to anything except the need to be with him.
And that would have been impossible in Harkera where a disinherited northern noble held the same status as a mercenary soldier and was not the fitting husband for the only daughter of a Castellan. The anguish of it had dominated her life for over a year. She had survived on snatched moments in his company, never more than brief encounters in private. It had become harder and harder to bear.
Then, at the height of the frustration, Ralik had come to her and offered her the chance to be his bride. He told her he had found a way that he could regain favour with his kinsman, Qabal Vyazin. He had been promised a grant of lands and the title of Castellan. And she, lost in the pangs of an exquisite emotional agony, had agreed that he should do it. She would have done anything to be with him. The price had been to deliver Harkera’s only hope back to the Warlord. But it had been a price she had agreed and even helped to pay.
It had only taken the violence and hardship of those events and of the subsequent journey to Tabruth to convince her of her mistake. She knew now that whatever burning desire she had felt for Ralik Vyazin, it had not been rooted in any genuine or meaningful affection and she also knew, that by some tragic jest, his affection for her was not only deep but possessive. Ralik remained entranced and in her sudden, frightening, awakening to wisdom she had come to realise that it was only through using that blinded enchantment she could hope now to survive.
She was like a rose cut from its briar, unable to live untended and alone in this alien soil, utterly reliant upon Ralik’s goodwill to keep her safe. The dangers around her were vivid and real and, although gently raised and sheltered in so many ways, she was far from naïve. She could still recall the hard hands of Warlord’s Commander Caer as they had bruised her body and the cold appraising stare of the Warlord himself when Ralik had presented her.
“You are the daughter of Morvyn Islin, Castellan of Kyphra,” he had said, the hooded eyes looking down his long nose, making of the words a statement not a question. She had nodded and lowered her eyes. The clear, carrying voice had taken on a note she found hard to place, something of amusement or irony perhaps. “Well Harkera’s loss is our gain. I am sure your father will be pleased to learn you are safe and well with us here. I shall see a messenger is sent to inform him.”
She had coloured then, feeling the deep red of shame flooding into her face at the thought of exactly how her father would receive such a message. Then the Warlord had dismissed her and spoken a few words to Ralik in private before they were allowed to withdraw.
She had never believed even in her most profound flights of fantasy that she would be one to shape world events. But in that moment of sudden shame she had seen that because of a single word of Lyned Islin – because she had said ‘yes’ and not ‘no’ – at that point, the very course of destiny had been shifted and its bedrock shattered. That in the moment she had given her agreement to Ralik’s plan, she had taken the axis of fate into her own hands and spun it in a new direction.

From Transgressor: Dues of Blood a Fortune’s Fools book by E.M. Swift-Hook.

Imaginary Worlds

Write what you know, the sages insist
But they don’t understand the storytelling gift
They haven’t, not once, heard a dragon in their mind
Or seen rainbow-hued poo from a unicorn’s behind
They have not felt the touch of a silken gold gown
Or the lash of the scorn of a man with a crown
They have not held a sword that sings in their hand
Nor had legions of lizard men at their command
So the sages can write from their narrow small cages
But we’ll fly with dragons and discourse with mages
Because at the end we would die of frustration
If we could not show worlds from our imagination

©jj 2022

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