Mrs Jago’s Handy Guide to the Meaning Behind Typographical Errors XLIII

… or ‘How To Speak Typo’ by Jane Jago

atate (adjective) – looking as if it has been chewed by a rodent

arpmit (noun) – fireproof glove used in World War Two

bugnee (noun) – leg joint of a beetle

doungut (noun) – hefty stomach often the result of eating too many doughnuts

eflephant (noun) – profane pachyderm 

garvity (noun) – body weight in a swimming pool that has a high concentration of p*** in the water

juist (noun) – fight club for dyslexic knights

kagewl (noun) – Australian raincoat

laibel (noun) – itchy scratchy thing in the neckline of overpriced middle-management shirt

macntosh (noun) – badly assembled macaroni cheese

maitain (noun) – cocktail made from white rum and suntan lotion

nuppel (adjective) – bendy, but prone to rashes

oange (noun) – fruit with something missing

preogress (noun) – ancestor of Shrek (female)

qieen (noun) – yet another middle class rice substitute (this one tastes like rugby changing rooms smell)

restrong (noun) – middle class eating house

stgate (noun) – church entrance

tset (verb) – to examine straitly 

ubra (noun) – something to give your chest a lift

Disclaimer: all these words are genuine typos defined by Jane Jago. The source of each is withheld to protect the guilty.

Gnomes – Tree House

Having to sit at home and talk to each other was highlighting the biggers’ mutual loathing, and big bigger had obviously decided to do something constructive.
He and middle-sized bigger waited at the gate while a lorry deposited a number of packages on the driveway.
Garry Gnome puzzled out the letters on the biggest box.
“Lux Yerry Tree House.”
“You sure Gaz?”
“Yup. And anyway there’s a picture of a tree house by the writing.”
The gnomes looked at each other in disbelief. How were the biggers going to build a tree house in a garden with no trees?

Jane Jago

Coffee Break Read – A Technophile-Phobe

What happens when the hunter becomes the hunted…

“The Chola syndicate was one of the most successful criminal organisations we have seen in the ‘City for decades. Chola increased the total wealth of his sector of the ‘City by an estimated fifteen percent, although, with the exact figures being hard to confirm, that is a very conservative estimate and it was probably a fair bit more than that. Needless to say, he was also making a lot of money for himself. A hell of a lot — and much more so than any of his competitors. Mostly through reinvesting what he got from protection and rake-offs from legit businesses. Then, two years ago and little more than a year after appearing in the ‘City, both Chola and Baldrik vanished. Disappeared off our screens completely and they haven’t surfaced since. Their turf was taken over by Eritch Dragure.”
Grim frowned. It was just getting really interesting, then it hit into a very obvious and clear end game. When two top criminals vanished in the ‘City, you didn’t call in an investigator, you dredged the river or just poured a drink and made a toast. He leaned back and wondered all over again why he was here and what this briefing was supposed to achieve.
The next presentation continued to focus on the same two men. This one went into what was known about them on a personal level. It seemed a little pointless now, but Grim sat through it politely.
Outside of what might be termed his ‘work’, the nearest Baldrik came to any kind of hobby was physical self-improvement and even that was clearly work-related. To Grim, he seemed to have had a very bleak, empty life.
Then came the information on Durban Chola. He liked supporting the arts and according to the techie’s research he was deemed mostly same-gender preference in his sexuality, but had not been linked with any specific men during his time in the ‘City. However, there was some evidence of a female relationship with one Charity Sweetling.”
Even before the name had been spoken, Grim had found himself leaning forward again. He knew her face. He had encountered her in connection with another case. The sudden disappearance of the professional killer Zathery Ryle — she had been the last person to see Ryle alive. At the time she had even been on his own list of suspects as a possible agent in his disappearance, but no hard evidence had survived to either back that up or disprove it. From what he had known of her then though, it was more than a bit of a surprise to see her held close on the arm of one of the big ‘City Names. She was not any kind of glamorous celeb, just a regular freighter pilot. Looking at the images he could only wonder, out of idle curiosity, how that had happened. But that was all it was — idle curiosity. The fact remained that all the information being given here pointed to the idea that Chola and Baldrik were both going to be dead.
When it was all finished, Jecks thanked the data nerds and dismissed them. They needed no encouragement to go, smiling now that they were being freed from the onerous duty of sharing the fruits of their labours in person rather than through screens. People like that made Grim feel he should self-identify as a technophobe — or maybe more a technophile-phobe. Once the doors had closed again, it left just four of them.
“Right,” Jecks said. “Thoughts?”
Grim said nothing. He was wondering who the other woman was, the one with the over-polished politician look. He had a strong suspicion that she was the one who had told Jecks not to introduce her and that she was not a fan of getting down and dirty with the CSF. Which left Grim convinced she was someone well known in public life, but he was not up enough on politics to be sure. In the four chambers of government which ran the Coalition, there were over two thousand politicians and that was before you started in on the devolved Sector or individual planetary governments.
Cista Tyran spoke up. “I spent two years working on these people, sir. With all due respect, some of what we just saw there was complete bollocks. If you recall, I was the one who ran Jaz Baldrik as an informant for the best part of four cycles, before that was — was stopped.” Her tone was bland, but cut through with an obvious undertone of resentment.
Grim regarded her with a new level of interest. If she had dealt successfully with a man like Baldrik, maybe there was more to her than he had supposed.

From Iconoclast: Mistrust and Treason a Fortune’s Fools book by E.M. Swift-Hook which is only 0.99 to buy for a limited period.

Drabbling – Propping

You’re new, did Sals hire you – the manager?
Thought so.
Me?
Oh, I’m always here, propping up the bar. Ain’t that the lie now? It’s propping me, of course.
Used to be two of us, Johnny and me, til Johnny missed one too many protection payments. They didn’t mean to kill him, just beat him up a bit. But his heart…
‘Course was years ago, now it’s just me. Me and my drinkie, here.
None of your business if I’ve had too many.
What’d’ya mean haven’t I a home to go to?
I’m home already. I own this damn bar.

E.M. Swift-Hook

Murder Mystery Monday – Stories of Togas, Daggers, and Magic

Murder Mystery Monday celebrates some of the best indie murder mystery fiction that we’ve found. This week we look at Stories of Togas, Daggers, and Magic by Assaph Mehr

Say hello to Felix the Fox, detective, magician and rogue. Felix is the son of a bankrupt suicide who makes his living solving mysteries. He lives in Egretia – which you may need to keep reminding yourself isn’t Rome.

Egretia is the author’s own creation. It is, indeed, a world based on ancient Rome but with its own life and its own particular ideas and ideals. This is an interesting and complex notion, that is handled with some skill. The world Felix inhabits quickly takes life, and the sounds, smells and geography are very well portrayed. Felix himself is a handsome devil, who knows he is attractive to women, but the author manages to avoid smug or vain. In the end, I liked our hero even if it took a while. He is well drawn, but I could wish for a little more meat on the bones of the other characters, especially the females.

Murder in Absentia

In its essence this is a simple whodunnit. A young man dies and our hero is tasked with finding out how, why, and who is responsible. I don’t think it is in any way a spoiler to say that this is no ordinary death, there is no poison, and no fatal wound. So what killed Caeso? Finding out is a dangerous and complex business, and one that draws the reader deep into Egretia and the world in which it sits.

This is a cracking story and a guaranteed page turner although I felt it took a few chapters to get properly into its stride. It’s an excellent read, and is twisty enough for the most dedicated of mystery readers, complex enough for lovers of fantasy, and scholarly enough to feed the interest of alternative history buffs.

As an aside here, on character development, the person, aside from Felix, we come to know best in Murder in Absentia, is dead when we meet him.

In Numina

In Felix’s second outing, a wealthy landlord finds his tenants are leaving, spouting tales of horrific events and whispering that the old gods – the numina – came alive and cursed the buildings. The landlord does what everyone in the city does whenever there is any rumour of dark magic – he calls for Felix.

Our hero has to separate fact from superstition – not an easy task, but Felix is uniquely qualified, being half detective and half magician. Even if he isn’t the greatest at either job.

This story gives us more of the internal struggles of Felix the human being, while still offering a thundering good mystery.

I shall hope to meet Felix again.

Gnomes – Conspiracies

Big Bertha had a headache, which meant that most of the gnomes were walking carefully. But there’s always one idiot.
Today it was Norbert, who was voicing the latest conspiracy theories loudly and nasally. He had got to the lizards in human costume who were invading somewhere called the White House when Bertha appeared. She stomped over and squirted something between his teeth.
The ensuing silence reigned unbroken until Bertha disappeared.
“Superglue,” someone whispered. “He’ll be okay in a year or two. If he learns his lesson. Don’t piss off Bertha. And. Listening to biggers is deleterious to gnomely health…”

Jane Jago

Roguing Thieves – Eleven

Roguing Thieves is a previously unpublished Fortune’s Fools story by E.M. Swift-Hook.

Bay one-nine-six-two.
She understood spaceports and knew this particular one well. Someone who didn’t would be checking the gates and the marked routes that every augmented display would show as paths. They wouldn’t follow the unmarked spaces between those routes. Spaces mostly blocked by mechs, freight crates, partly full supply tanks and other large, small and awkward objects.
Awkward but not impassable.
Bay one-nine-six-two was in sight when she saw the drones. There was not a lot she could do about it if they saw her, but like a living being, the AIs would be trained to look for movement and they would have vision that saw heat. She ducked down by a waste duct hoping that if any did look her way the shimmering haze of excess energy would distort her image. It was uncomfortably hot and the overdry air caught at her lungs and her acid-burned throat, sore from the vomiting. But to cough would be enough movement to attract a drone and after what she had seen happen to Tolin…
Legs aching from her cramped crouch and lungs burning unbearably, Pan kept her focus on the drones as they hovered and ran up and down the main path to the bays. She had a terrible certainty that they were going to stay there and not move. Then as suddenly as they had appeared, they shot away again, in different directions across the space port.
She couldn’t run, her legs were too stiff, but she managed a hobbling trot the short distance to the bay and was relieved to find the gate open and the main hatch into the ship still locked to its ground clamps. They unlocked as she reached them and the ramp began to lift as she scrambled aboard.
Ducky was standing in the hatchway, arms folded.
“You took your time. Thought I’d have to go without you. We’re cleared to leave in ten.”
Hair, skin and clothing blackened, scraped, damaged and filthy from scrambling through the back alleys of the spaceport, Pan dropped onto the one acceleration couch and pulled the straps home.
“Where are we going?” she asked as Ducky moved past to reach the pilot’s chair.
“Somewhere no one would ever think to look for you. To look for anyone, come to that. It’s a bit backwards, but you’ll be safe there.” Ducky shared a screen with a data page and then took her seat.
Safe.
That sounded good.
Pan closed her eyes for a moment and felt the ship lift in the gravity shield, its engine whining as the fusion core took up the load. Then the tone changed as the vessel moved from atmospheric to space flight and prepared for the leap into FTL. They were free. She opened her eyes and read the page Ducky had shared. The name of the planet stood out in bold letters. It meant nothing to her, but right then one place was as good as any other.
Temsevar.
Her new home.

There will be a new serial for you to enjoy next Sunday when we meet Sir Barnabas and the Dragon!

The Soldier

The soldier is young,
see the fear in his eyes
He knows not what’s coming
not shape smell nor size
The soldier is terrified
inside he quakes
See how his trigger finger
spasms and shakes
The soldier is young
but he’s armed to the teeth
His masters don’t care
for the terror beneath
The soldier is shaking
beware of his terror
For dead is still dead
even if shot in error

©️jj

Weekend Wind Down – Garanwys and Llys

Garanwys was beautiful from the day that she was born, a lovely child who grew into a stunning woman, a woman who was only too aware of her power over men. She was Garanwys of the red-gold hair and green-gold eyes, Garanwys whose lissome body and secretive smile turned strong men’s knees to water, Garanwys about whom visiting bards made songs and poems, Garanwys whose own father could deny her nothing.
Even before she reached full womanhood, the calculating beauty looked about her for a suitable husband. Her eye lighted on Owen Smith. He was a handsome man, a man as strong and dependable as an oak tree, and a man of considerable wealth and influence. Oh yes, Owen Smith would be almost deserving of the gift of her beauty.
And that might have been the end of the story, except that Owen Smith did not admire Garanwys in all her rose gold glory. He had an entirely different woman in his eye, and, instead of waiting for Garanwys to reach her fourteenth birthday, he married Llys. Llys, round-faced and capable, and the only daughter of Eudric Clothmerchant.
Garanwys ground her perfect white teeth in anger. How could she have been passed over in favour of a creature as plain as Llys? Llys of the nut-brown hair and mild blue eyes. Llys who employed no arts to attract. Llys who had probably never had a flirtatious thought in her life. Garanwys fumed, and vowed vengeance. She would make Owen Smith desire her, and ruin both his marriage and his life, she vowed.
While Garanwys was biding her time and learning certain things at the knee of her mother, who had begun life in a whorehouse in Flanders, Llys and Owen were settling into a contented life together. Their marriage had begun auspiciously, even when the new husband disclosed precisely what he had paid Eudric for the pleasure of his daughter’s body and mind. To Owen’s delight, Llys lifted a smooth-skinned shoulder and smiled ruefully.
“He’d not have allowed thee to take me from the loom for naught…”
They laughed together and the pleasure of his experienced hands on her skin soon distracted Llys from any thought of her father’s meanness.
This obvious contentment was fuel to the fire of Garanwys’ resentment, but it was not destined to last. When the winter was at its coldest Owen was called to the castle to shoe the castellan’s destrier. What happened that day is still shrouded in mystery, but what is known is that there was some sort of accident.
They brought Owen’s body home to his young wife on a hurdle.
If Llys cried, nobody saw it. She squared her shoulders and faced life. Moving the young blacksmith who had worked under Owen into the house behind the smithy Llys returned to her father’s home, wealthier but alone. Rubbing his hands together at the thought of managing another goodly chunk of wealth, and at regaining the services of his daughter at the loom, Eudric kissed her on both cheeks.
“Thou hast always a home here, my daughter” he said floridly.
As for Garanwys, she turned her resentment from Owen Smith to his widow, and began a series of pinpricks designed to cause Llys discomfort. Tales of Llys’ shortcomings as a wife, and hints about how Owen desired Garanwys began to circulate among the young women of the town. If Llys heard any such stories she gave no sign, even when she was being called barren by the worst gossips.
Her mother looked at her daughter’s serene face and wondered what went on behind those soft blue eyes, but she was powerless to help so she kept her council.
About a year after Owen’s death, Llys’ twin brother, Llyd, returned from his term of service to the king. He had left as a child, but returned a man: a broad-shouldered, open-faced, handsome, guileless giant of a man, who had the prospect of being very wealthy one day. Garanwys cast her gold-green eyes his way, and within a very few weeks she had him hooked. She played him like a great fish, dropping poisoned comments about his sister and mother whenever the opportunity arose, whilst all the while pretending the modesty and virtue she knew would bring him to his knees.
Understanding that Eudric would have other plans for his son, the lovely Garanwys set about charming him as well. She sat in his lap and performed certain acts for his delectation, all the while moistening her perfect lips with the tip of a pointed pink tongue. Eudric weakened, and gave permission for Llyd to press his suit.
The first time he offered for her hand, Garanwys refused him, casting down her eyes and saying his mother and sister hated her.
Llyd went home in a rage. He roared at the womenfolk that they had stolen his chance of happiness, and even went so far as to strike his sister – bruising her smooth brown cheek with his big fist. His mother, Lyonette, faced him with a cold anger he had never seen before. “If the wench thou hast set thy heart on thinks we like her not, it is no more than some girlish fancy on her part.
Thou shouldst be ashamed to so strike thy widowed sister.”
For a moment Llyd glared into his mother’s broad, homely face, then hung his handsome head.
“Why doesn’t Llys defend herself then?” he muttered.
“Why should she? She has done naught.” Lyonette spat on the floor. “Leave us now. I will have no more of thee.” He went, kicking his heels like the overgrown boy he would always be.
“She means to have him, though” Llys said sadly. “Unless something better turns up.”
The two women looked at each other in genuine sorrow.
Two moons later, Garanwys accepted Llyd as her intended husband, and they became formally betrothed. The women of Eudric’s household sighed, and prepared themselves for trouble.
It was not long coming.

Llys was working in the herb garden when her mother came out of the kitchen and sat herself on a stone bench in the spring sunshine.
“We have a problem, dear heart” she said without preamble.
“Garanwys?”
“Yes. She now says she will not marry Llyd while thou art still living in this house.”
“And shall I stay here forever, then?”
“There is naught that would please me more. But. She has thy brother and thy father pixie-led.”
“I know it. So I am to go.” Llys dusted off her hands and came to sit beside her mother, who looked into her only daughter’s calm features and sighed.
“Why does she hate thee so?”
“Because Owen Smith wanted her not.”
Lyonette regarded her daughter in a puzzled manner.
“Why would he want her when he had thee?”
“All men must want her. Thou knowest that, Mother mine.”
“Aye. I do know. And should one not, it seems her spite follows him even unto death.”
“Him and his widow.”
Lyonette patted the hand that lay on Llys’ lap.
“Sadly. And now I must press thee. Thy father asks what thou wouldst do.”
“I know not, Mother. Do I have choices?”
“Thou dost. There have been two offers for thy hand in marriage. There is one offer of a place as a housekeeper. Or thou mayst have a cottage of thine own in the village.”
“But I must, indeed, leave my childhood home at the behest of a spiteful woman.”
“Thou must.”
“Then tell me of these offers.”
“The priest requires a housekeeper. The fat innkeeper offers for thy hand in matrimony, as does Aled Sheepherder.”
“I would not live alone for the rest of my days, so I must choose one of the other offers.”
“Thou must.”
“I’ll not warm the lustful priest’s bed.”
“Quiet child. He is a celibate” Lyonette spoke sharply, then looked into her daughter’s intelligent eyes and lifted a work-worn hand to her cheek. “Or perchance not…”
“Not,” Llys was scornful. “Remember, I lived beside his house while Owen and I were man and wife. So.” She wrinkled her smooth forehead. “I’ll not take the fat innkeeper neither. He has already worked three wives into their graves. But I like Aled Sheepherder, he was a friend of Owen and he is a kind, good man. Will thou tell my father I will take his offer gladly.”
“Gladly?”
“Aye. I will do it with a glad heart and grudge my husband naught. You might also tell Father that I neither cried nor bemoaned my lot. He could have spoken with me himself.”
Lyonette smiled sadly.
“Not so dear heart. The hurt in thy eyes would have made him uncomfortable.” Then she heaved herself onto her feet and made her way back into the house.
Llys returned to her weeding.

From ‘Skin Deep’ a story in Pulling the Rug II by Jane Jago.

Taken

They took our hopes
They took our dreams
They took our freedom too
They took the laughter
Took the tears
Took ‘me’ away from ‘you’
They took the sun
They took the moon
And painted oe’r the sky
With heartless lies
They clipped our wings
So we would never fly
They spoke of ‘us’
But we were ‘them’
Across a great divide
They built a wall
With just one gate
And us on the outside
They set the goals
We could not meet
They barred the way ahead
They took our future
They took our past
They commandeered our dead
They took our wealth
They took our world
And thought that they were done
But they couldn’t take
Our hearts and minds
So they have never won…

E.M. Swift-Hook

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