Telling an entire story in just one hundred words…

“But this is beautiful!” Love’s goddess was enchanted by the blue and green planet, abundant with life.

The God of Evil smirked. “I know.”

“I don’t see anything evil,” she said, admiring the humans, something he’d invented for this new world. They could love, feel and create, almost like gods themselves.

“No?”

A shriek came of agony and fear. The goddess, horrified, watched one beautiful animal killing another.

“No!”

“Yes!” Evil’s deity gloated. “I designed this world so living things must kill and eat others to live themselves.”

The goddess paled as she realised the true horror he had wrought.

E.M. Swift-Hook

Jacintha Farquhar, maternal parent of Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV offers important life lessons to those who like to think they’ve got what it takes to write a damn book…

Yes, it’s me Jacintha Farquhar. 

In case you are wondering, Moons (my benighted son) is now lost on a Greek expedition, so the two mad women who run this thing asked if I would consider filling in and offering advice for those aspiring writers daft enough to read it.

It’s worth noting that Moon’s latest attempt at writing is now in some fifteenth draft of what he laughingly calls ‘literary fiction’ but which is thinly-disguised and very badly written gay erotica. He now declares his science-fiction attempt ‘Fatswhistle and Buchtooth’ to have been his ‘juvenalia’ and the pompous little prick sincerely believes he has a chance at the Booker Prize with his new heap of steaming crap. Sadly, from what I’ve seen of the competition, he might even be right.

Anyway, enough of that, I need to start earning the fat fee they are paying me for this guest appearance and having given the matter some thought I’ve decided to start with one of the big moments in every writer’s career.

Reality Check

There comes a point in every writer’s life – well maybe not every writer but most by far of you lot reading this – when they realise they are not going to make it to the ranks of a second Shakspeare in terms of literary acclaim – or even that of a J.K. Rowling.

No. Shit. Sherlock.

I am always amazed how long it takes the dewy-eyed enthusiast to figure this very simple fact. It’s as if when someone starts writing, their logical and discriminatory brain dribbles out of their ears to be replaced by some pink fluffy clouds and unicorns wearing garlands dangling the Amazon logo and woven with ribbons which spell out ‘Fifty Reviews’ or some such shite.

Seriously people, grow up! 

If your teenage daughter told you she was going to be the next Ariana Grande, you might praise her aspiration but be pretty sharp in making sure she was still studying for her exams. Just because you have a few more years under your belt doesn’t mean you are immune to the starry-eyed syndrome. The fact you idolise becoming a fat, wheezing weirdy-beardy like GRR Martin rather than a svelt sexy singer doesn’t shift the needle on the ‘likely to happen’ dial by so much as a smidgen.

What gets me though is how writers respond to this moment of grim epiphany. 

1. They ignore it and continue to imagine themselves as God’s gift to the literary world, refuse to take any criticism from anyone, spewing ever more dreadful ‘pen babies’ into a recoiling ether until even their own mother refuses to read anything more they write. This is my son Moons for you – pretentious twonk that he is.
2. They realise how true it is, and conclude that they will always suck and never make their fortune at this writing lark so they should throw down the pen for good and go off to put all their focus into something easier and more profitable like becoming a lawyer, a banker or CEO of a nasdaq-100 company.
3. They take it on board proportionately, review what is a realistic expectation of what they can accrue from their writing and based on that make a clear decision about where writing can and should fit into their life. The answer to this being different for each writer as some have more ability to work on production and marketing than others.

Unfortunately (1) and (2) – doubling down or utter abandonment – seem to be the most common reactions resulting in both an over-spill of writers of dreadful books who will brook no remedy and the loss of some who might have penned some decent stories. I’m here to advocate for number (3) and to suggest you flush both the marshmallow and dollar signs out of your brain and take a clear hard look at what you do. 

Just because you will never be an author who people hold conventions about and dress up as your characters, like Tolkien, doesn’t mean you can’t write stuff people like reading. Whatever you write and pretty much however good or bad it is, there will be some corner of the internet full of geekish sub-genre fanatics eager to read it. You can, and should, be working on improving your writing, listening to criticism (not slavishly but with a genuine interest in learning and polishing your craft) and making your best fist of it all.

So have your reality check, work out if this is really a beautiful career or a pretty cool hobby, then get on with what you writers like to do most – Writing. Your. Books.

Jacintha Farquar, mother of that ungrateful toad Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV.

You can find more of my son’s ramblings in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago, but you’d need to be half-cut to think it any good!

Hail the harrowed pumpkin!
Tormented, scraped and cut,
Your entrails ripped out from within,
To bake pies with your guts.

Hail the hallowed pumpkin!
Thy glorious grinning face,
Carved from the orange of your skull,
Brings grim mirth to this place.

Hail the hollowed pumpkin!
Upon the doorstep set
Your eldritch light and feral look
Will guard the household yet.

Hail the hero pumpkin!
When brightly lit your grin
Doth scare and freet uncanny beasts
And keep us safe within.

Eleanor Swift-Hook

Dying to be Roman by Jane Jago and E.M. Swift-Hook is a whodunit set in an alternative modern day Britain where the Roman Empire still rules.

Dai looked down at Julia.
“You think they are in the wind, don’t you?” he asked.
“Yes. I really, really do. And maybe we’ll never catch up with them.”
“Do you think it is just those three?”
“I don’t know. And I don’t see how it can be. I just wish I could get a handle on what they are up to. Is it betting? Or what?”
Decimus looked at them and snapped his teeth together.
“I think you two are missing something here. Four women from patrician families. Three with unsatisfactory husbands, one with an unsatisfactory job.”
Dai scratched his head.
“Domina Lydia, Octavia Tullia Scaevia, Annia Bellona Flavia, and…”
“Marcella Tullia Junius,” Julia supplied.
“Yes, her. I don’t know about her, but I don’t see the other three masterminding any sort of a plot.” He looked embarrassed.
Decimus actually gave a bark of laughter.
“The boy has a point, Julia. Lydia is as stupid as she is arrogant. Octavia isn’t as pathetic as she chooses to appear but she’s no genius. And the Flavian woman was almost criminally incompetent. That just leaves Marcella Junius. I don’t really know her, but she has the reputation of being both intelligent and as cold as ice. So maybe. Just maybe.”
Julia kicked his desk with one small booted foot.
“Just those four? I wonder. Whatever. If they have poofed we are in trouble. We know they are part of something;, what we have to do now is prove it, and that could be the sticking point.” She fulminated a bit more. “Do you know what really strokes my fur backwards? The Britons. Three athletes in their prime and one half-stupid beastmaster, all killed for no better reason than to hide whatever that lot were part of.”
Dai and the stolid Boudicca exchanged a glance of surprised appreciation. Julia caught that look and stamped her foot in sheer frustration.
“And you two are pissing me off as well. Just because I’m Roman I’m not capable of caring about the lives of Britons? Well I do care. I really bloody care. I joined up to protect everybody, be they Citizens or not. And you can believe me or disbelieve me. About that, I’m beyond caring.”
Dai had the grace to look ashamed, and Boudicca smiled albeit grimly.
“Fair enough, domina. I should have known that a friend of the Tribune’s would be made of good stuff.” Then she subsided, as if aware that she had probably said far too much for an ex-slave.
“Sit down, woman,” Decimus growled. “I’ll get us something to drink while we wait.”
Another bad- tempered clang on his bell brought a young guard running.
“Don’t look scared, lad. I won’t eat you. Just get that idle spado of a house steward to rustle up a drink and a snack for four.”
The guard saluted smartly and went about his business.

In a remarkably short space of time there was a scratch on the door and a procession of servitors brought in a flagon of mead and one of small beer, a tray of the finest glasses from Venezia, and a selection of snacks ranging from olives and salty Hellenic cheese to tiny fried dough balls filled with apple and cream.
Eating and drinking eased a lot of the tension. So much so that Julia was emboldened to put a hand on Dai’s forearm.
“Sorry Dai. I was well out of order there.”
He actually patted her hand.
“No. Truly, you weren’t. I need reminding sometimes that Romans are human.”
For the first time since they met, Julia sensed a genuine thaw in Dai’s attitude to her. She was grateful. By telling herself that such a shift would help their working relationship no end, she could consciously choose to ignore the fact that the tall Celt with his snapping blue eyes was stirring feelings she had no wish to think about.
Before such impure thoughts could sour her improving mood, there was a respectful tap in the door.
“Come.”

Part XVII will be here next week. If you can’t wait to find what happens next you can snag the full novella here.

Things that make us go poop…

Granny and the ‘ladies’ darts team of The Dog and Trumpet alphabetically collate their collective contempt for the inhabitants of the twenty-first century.

C is for: Conspiracy Theorists

Taking the lid off this can of worms exposes a seething mass of hysteria, stupidity, and downright fibbing. Of course these folks have been around forever, but they used to be confined to Speakers Corner and writing madly illegible screeds to whatever newspaper was unfortunate enough to receive their patronage.

Now, however, they have an easily accessible platform from which to spew their fantasies. The internet’s ever-growing crop of ‘experts’ is only too willing to pass on the results of its extensive ‘research’ for the benefit of the vulnerable and the hard of thinking.

As Brenda (all too frequently) remarks, the inhabitants of the home for the bewildered in which her mother-in-law resides are uniformly terrified by the latest pronouncements one of their number reads them from the ‘pages’ of a prominent social media site. Currently they are shitting themselves about: clouds and vaccination.

Clouds? Really? Chemtrails? Ye gods. Have these people only just noticed the sky? Between us we have been alive for more than two centuries during which time there have always been clouds and jet aeroplanes have always left vapour trails.
And still we are alive.

The much-repeated mantra of the anti-vaccination lobby is that vaccines either kill people, make people zombies, make people infertile, or are, in fact, tracking devices enabling Bill Gates to know where everyone is all the time.
So:
If vaccination was killing people at the claimed rate there would be nobody left alive now, except a couple of corrupt politicians, a fat bloke called Cousin Cletus, three bull terriers, and some locusts.
One of our number lives in a quaint little cottage alongside the graveyard. She reports no zombie activity and the only people she sees without their brains are the zombie theorists
Infertility is less easy to debunk as the birth rate is declining worldwide. However the power of better birth control and women having actual choices cannot be discounted. Nor can the long arm of coincidence. Us? We have our money on there being no connection except in the minds of the sad (and probably self-described alpha).
Does anybody think Bill Gates could give a flying **** where you are and what you’re doing? If you’re dumb enough to believe he might you’re too stupid to even be worth tracking.

We rest our case. Conspiracy Theories are bunk and those who peddle them are…. (expletive deleted)

Things are not quite how you might remember them in the 100 Acre Wood for Christopher Robin, Pooh Bear and their friends…

***** ***** *****

Jane Jago

In a land of endless Winter, two heroes are born.
Jana has the magic of trees, Grieve has something…other than magic.
An oath to save their world will shape their destiny. End the Winter brought by the Ice Lord and his demons.
Enslaved by the ice demons, Grieve’s path to discovering his dark heritage will force him to become a gladiator, dragon rider, and pirate. Jana battles the lure of the dark side of power as she strives to control her magic.
It’s not going to be an easy journey. But there will be dragons.
Wintersun by Cindy Tomamichel is an old school epic fantasy quest with fabulous beasts and extraordinary heroes.

An icy wind tore through the small mountain hut. It carried cold and the thin keening sound of hunger. “Maeve…” it called, “Maaeevvee…”
Maeve’s nostrils flared. Stronger than the stench of blood and birth was the scent of evil. Predators that hunted her once more.
Biting hard on the leather strap gripped in her teeth, she grunted, expelling the placenta onto the birthing hide. Glancing at her baby, she tied the cord and gathered her close. The blood smeared girlchild moved strongly in her arms, and a tiny fist batted her on the cheek.
“Be strong daughter. We have a battle to fight yet,” Maeve whispered. She wrapped the babe and tied her against her breast, making sure she was secure. She would need both hands free in the battle to come. “Do not worry, I will not let them get you.” She relaxed as she felt the babe suckle.
The wind keened again, and Maeve shivered. The hungry sound was closer. Not for a few weeks had she heard that sound, and she had hoped she would birth in the village far below. But yesterday they had found her, and a fall down a snowy cliff had hastened her birth time by a week.
One night a bride, nine months a widow. She looked down at the reddish hair of her daughter, she was so like Gareth, the babe’s father.
“Oh Gareth, why did you not let me die with you?” The baby cooed at the sound of her voice, and she whispered to her, “maybe you are the answer.” The tiny hut around her held memories of love and death, courage, and darkness. For a brief time, Maeve allowed herself to remember, wishing Gareth was here to see his daughter. The little girl in her arms was all she had left of her husband. Maeve, woozy from birth and blood loss, let her memories overtake her.
###
Outside the air howled again, and the babe at her breast squirmed. Maeve stood up using the broadsword as a support, feeling stronger for the rest.
“Maeeevvvee…Maaeevvee…” the wind howled.
Maeve straightened and shuddered at the call. From deep inside her came an answering contraction.
Another baby. She felt her stomach kick hard.
“Well, you are going to have to wait little one,” Maeve said, standing up and sheathing her sword. “Be strong.” The kick she received seemed to be an answer, and Maeve prayed she could reach the village safe before this one was born. She patted her daughter and covered her face warmly, checking the fastening of the sling. She grabbed her dagger and returned it to her arm gauntlet. Picking up the placenta wrapped in the birthing leather, Maeve staggered outside.
The air was bitter and cold, an icy sleet froze her wet clothes. Maeve swept back her cloak to give herself mobility. She was inured to cold and had ceased to feel it since that dreadful night nine months ago. The happiest and worst day of her life, from maiden to widow in the span of a night. Icy mist flowed down the hillside filling the gully, swirling around her. It smelled of hunger.
Surrounding the hut were the ice demons.
Behind them the moon had risen. It was half hidden; the eclipse had taken a slice and was devouring the glow. Soon the dark of the moon would be complete.
“Time to die demons,” Maeve yelled, whipping her sword from its sheath.

You can keep reading Wintersun as it is available now.

Cindy Tomamichel speaks up!

1) Each book is a new writing experience, what did you most enjoy about writing Wintersun?

I wrote this from a one word prompt from a writers group some years ago. It grew into a one page story of the end scene, then during Nano into an epic. I wanted to write a traditional barbarian quest novel, but the character Grieve turned out to be much gentler and have a sense of humour. Not that he doesn’t enjoy a good fight, but he also likes cats and is kind, a result of a harsh childhood as a slave.
I got to include all sorts of beasts from my imagination and inspired by other authors of classic monster novels, so that was fun too.
The female main character Jana was also interesting, to have her struggle with the pawer of her magic and grow into a teacher of other magic bearers.
So I managed to include all my favourite bits from classic fantasy and sword and sorcery novels, and put a twist on them to make the characters more from a woman’s perspective rather than traditional sword and sorcery male authors.

2) Who is the author that inspires you the most and what is it about them and their writing that does?

I was heavily influenced by RE Howard and his Conan character for Wintersun. The fights, the fabulous beasts, and a simple honest (if sometimes violent) approach to events is a tough act to follow. But Grieve grew beyond a basic barbarian, with his own code of morals and behaviour from being a starving slave growing up.
E. Rice Burroughs is also a great influence, in the breakneck speed of action proving a page turning action filled read. He was never shy about introducing mad queens, sentient beasts and darkling gods if they served the plot. How could I not do the same?
I’ve also been turned off reading high fantasy – the endless descriptions of history, the royal line or local tribal legal systems make me yawn. So I just avoided all that and jumped into the plot!

3) Pasta, fries, or doughnuts?

Pasta is such an every day food that I bored myself with it! Fries, well only the zucchini fries from Grilled – I known, sounds ick, but try them. Doughnuts? I probably have one once a year, but I do yearn for a simple chocolate one – with sprinkles – every so often.

Cindy Tomamichel is a multi-genre writer of action adventure novels. Escape the everyday with time travel, science fiction and fantasy stories or romance. Discover worlds where the heroines don’t wait to be rescued, and the heroes earn that title the hard way. You can find out more about her on her website or sign up for her newsletter to keep up-to-date with all her writing news!

Telling an entire story in just one hundred words…

“There’s many a thing I’ve seen as I wish I could unsee,” the old spacefarer sat at a table in the bar, “Space gribblies, the face of a man about to be put out the airlock without a suit and the final breaths of last living being on a dying world.”

The young man nodded eagerly.

“So tell us about these space gribblies?”

The old spacefarer smacked his lips

“Talking is thirsty work, son, thirsty work.”

Three drinks later, the young man left and the barman wiped the table.

“Not bad for one night,” he observed.“Those youngsters’ll believe anything.”

E.M. Swift-Hook

Jacintha Farquhar, maternal parent of Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV offers important life lessons to those who like to think they’ve got what it takes to write a damn book…

Here we go again.

Yes, it’s me Jacintha Farquhar, and not – as promised last week – my son, Moons.

I had hoped that I’d not have to come up with another one of these. I was kicking back with a Pernod and Pimms spritzer enjoying the blazing sun in the back garden and admiring the abs on my new next-door neighbour as he was up a ladder fixing something on his roof, topless. But then the peace was broken by a call from that pompous prat I have the misfortune to have to claim as my son. He is back to being his obnoxious self as if nothing had happened to dent his massive ego.

The good news is I am spared his presence for another week, as he has decided to take a long ‘cultural cruise’ of the Adriatic and stay on various Greek islands with someone called Stavros. The bad news is that it means I have to get out my iPad and come up with something vaguely intelligent to say to you lot in the meantime.

I hope you bloody appreciate it!

Writing about People

And by ‘people’ I also mean aliens if you write that science fiction stuff Moons is so fond of. They are people too. And so are those elves and dwarves – and vampires. In fact, any character you ever write, even a talking computer, is going to be people. So you might as well listen up as too many of you wannabes don’t have the first idea about any kind of people except those who are exactly like you.

Oh yes, you might write about some poor orphaned starveling who is abused by the world, but does she think and act like someone who’s been through that kind of experience? Or just your weak and idealised imagination of what it might be like? I mean, how many genuinely damaged people do you count in your close circle? If the answer is ‘Well, Olivia’s parents divorced and she had to give up her horse riding lessons which left her traumatised for life’ or something similar, then you need to rethink writing that starveling. You. Have. No. Idea. And if you don’t, then no amount of effing imagination is going to fill in the gaps.

And, no I’m not saying you can only write about your own level of privileged life, I’m saying get out there and meet the kind of people you want to write about. Go to that dive bar, visit that job centre, help out at that homeless shelter, and find out what the people you want to write into your stories are really like. And the same the other way around. You want to know how the better off think, go along to the local posh golf club and listen in on their banter, hear what they really talk about. A useful tip here is go volunteer to visit an old people’s homes – chat with them. You’ll get the full monty on life across the spectrum, I promise you.

Don’t be like my naive and self-righteous prig of a son who firmly believes that he understands all people because he is one.

Oh, if you can’t bring yourself to actually go to those places and interact with real people, then you can at least read about them. That’s what the more precious twonks amongst those who call themselves writers (yes Moons, I’m looking at you) that I know seem to do. Most are too bloody afraid of real people to go out and actually talk to them.

Right. I’m done. If my sodding son is not back soon I’ll be posting cocktail recipes with naked pictures of me drinking them. You have been warned.

Now bugger off!

Jacintha Farquar, unfortunate mother of Moonbeam Farquhar Metheringham IV.

You can find more of my son’s ramblings in How To Start Writing A Book courtesy of E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago, but please don’t as it only encourages him!

White dove of hope flies freely now
Carries my love in her breast
Escaped the bars of hate somehow
Freed at a child’s behest
White dove of joy, bright in the sun
Carries my heart to that far someone

jane jago 2024