Please do not offer me one of those books
That promises ways of improving my looks
That says if I only restricted my diet
I’d live to one hundred. I ain’t gonna try it
Please don’t expect me to read your advice
About how I could be much more slender, or nice
I don’t want to stare at my own little poos
As they lie like dead dolphins abeach in the loo
And I have no idea what your jargon proposes
To make you consider me smelling of roses
You can take your improvement wherever it comes
And stick your pretensions inside of your bum
You won’t understand and I don’t think you can
That I’m happy with being the way that I am 

©️Jane Jago 2019

Jane Jago is at it again! Advertised as a Handbook for trainee pensioners, Growing Old (Dis)Gracefully is a slim volume of limericks (many limericks), verse and short fiction whose sole function is to stick two fingers up at growing old and the world around us as we grow old.

BEING OLD

I have just seen my backside in shorts
And it’s almost as bad as I thought
It’s as broad is a ship
And my bum cheeks have slipped 
Those are hips built for sitting, not sport

FESTIVE ELD

Deck the house with chains of paper
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Clout the kids and cut a caper
Nah, nah etc 
Fill the socks up
Drain the money
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
January isn’t funny 
Nah, nah etc

ENLIGHTENMENT 

She sat outside her cave. Her face was as seamed as the striated rocks behind her, and grime was ingrained into every crusty crack.
But still they came.
The rich, the famous, the desperate, all seeking enlightened words. To some she vouchsafed nothing and they crept away, ashamed. To others she gave but one word of hope. The third group bathed in the almost sightless seeming whiteness of her eyes and heard her words of wisdom. 
When the last named supplicant backed away, she plugged her iPhone into its solar charger and offered a silent prayer of thanks for Google.

You can snag your copy now!

Discover some more awesome new books out this month in the SciFi Roundtable Newsletter.

It’s a twisted road to the wyrm’s lair. 

Even hungry as we were, it took us a while to pluck up our courage.

Brightstar lay on her treasure watching us through half-closed eyes.

I began to sing, and as my song seduced the beautiful one into sleep Denny crept close. He was supposed to take only one bar of gold and run. But he got greedy.

Seems that gold is as seductive as music.

She ate him, belching one delicate gout of flame when she had crunched the last bone.

But she paid me in gold for my song.

©jj 2019

From Who Put Her In? a thriller with supernatural overtones by JaneJago.

There was one slice of steak pie left and some salad, so I put the pie on a warm plate and beckoned our young guest to the table. She took an experimental bite of pie, then dug in with enthusiasm. When she had finished she grinned.
‘Where did you get that pie? It was wonderful.’
‘Joss made it.’
‘Oh. Cripes. I clean forgot. Michelin starred chef and all that. But I don’t actually associate Michelin stars with proper food…’ Then she wound down and went bright pink. ‘Oops. Foot in mouth again.’
‘No’ I said ‘you’re all right. I happen to agree with you. So many places with Michelin stars are all style and no substance.’
Her smile returned. ‘We got took to that ginger bloke with the funny name’s place. I couldn’t eat half of it, and what I could eat was tiny-weeny. Me and my dad stopped for fish and chips on the way home.’ Ben started the laughter, and we all joined in.
When we had calmed down I patted Bethan on the head. ‘You’ll do. Fancy a chocolate brownie?’
She nodded ecstatically, and Ben fetched the cake tin and a plate and fork. Neil shoved the dish of clotted cream in her direction. She ate. Then grinned like the child she still was.
‘And that’s a lesson to me. I won’t sneer at Michelin starred chefs again. But I’ll still be suspicious.’
I laughed. ‘That’s a girl.’
She smiled happily, then sobered. ‘Joss. Just exactly how bad is whatever those two are facing out there?’
‘Tonight. Not bad at all I hope. Tomorrow morning could be another game of soldiers. Tonight they are looking for the bones of two women, both have been dead a long time and both are gentle souls…’
‘And tomorrow?’ she prompted gently.
Ben took over. ‘Tomorrow we really don’t know. We only have suspicions. But if we are even close to right there’s at least one girl who was murdered. Probably last year. And probably by being drowned in a well.’
‘Oh shit’ Bethan said bitterly. ‘I hoped I was imagining things.’ Then she started to sing in a thin, sad little voice. ‘Ding dong bell. Pussy’s in the well. Who put her in?‘
‘Who indeed’ Stella said softly.
Stella was very pale, and Bethan looked close to tears. I was casting around in my mind for a way to lighten the atmosphere, when Neil piped up.
‘Right you lot. Stop it now’ he said firmly. ‘Enough with the woo-woo stuff. It gives me indigestion.’
‘Not possible’ Stella said flatly. ‘You could fucking well digest an armchair.’

JaneJago

The life of an elderly delinquent in limericks – with free optional snark…

You are old and your backside has spread
As have the grey hairs on your head
But you stick out your chest
Treat yourself to the best
Say, you’ll bloody well live till you’re dead

© jane jago

“The men who came out of the hole in the sky, what did they look like, Dylan?”
Dylan thought for a bit and chewed on his pencil. He wanted to help the nice lady, she had been very kind and said he could play with any of the toys in her room.
“They were big and scary,” he said, and started drawing. “They picked up mummy and Gwen and ran back into the hole in the sky with them.”
“Then the hole closed up?”
Dylan nodded. He wanted to explain how the hole had pulsed and made the air around it shimmer, as if it didn’t belong. He wanted to tell the nice lady how he had tried to run through the hole after the men, and seen a strange boat with a dragon’s head on the other side. But he wasn’t sure how to put the images in his mind into words that made any sense. So he kept working on his picture instead.
“There wasn’t really a hole in the sky, was there?” the nice lady spoke kindly. “It was a car or a van that the men got out of, wasn’t it?”
Dylan wondered if the nice lady was trying to make fun of him. He finished his picture and held it up.
“They looked like this.”
The nice lady must have been very tired because her face went very pale and she suddenly fell asleep on the brightly coloured carpet.

E.M. Swift-Hook

There was no point in resisting, and no good crying. What would be would be, although she could have done without the knife at her throat. She must have pleased him, because he let none of the others have her.

“Sleep,” he said almost kindly, “in the morning I will be gone.”

But when sunrise came he discovered his mistake.

The raiders were not destined to leave, instead, they were chained forever to the wheel that lifted water to irrigate the lady’s garden.

Lesson…

If the night belongs to the men in their longships, morning brings the vengeance of women.

©jj 2019

From Haruspex Trilogy Edge of Doom a Fortune’s Fools book by E.M. Swift-Hook.

Durban ran a check over the whole event and was pleased to see that all was running smoothly. He was careful not to disturb Jaz but eavesdropped, briefly, on the security channel. So far there was nothing untoward and despite all Jaz’s very pertinent concerns, it seemed the glitterati of the ‘City were content to party at Voltz without wanting to cut each other’s throats for one evening.
Satisfied that all was being arranged as well as it could be, Durban returned his focus to his immediate guests. He singled out those he most wanted to impress or influence, as he was circulating amongst them. There were one or two here he might never get another chance to meet in the flesh — such as the syndicate leaders or whichever senior representative they had delegated to attend. These he needed to hive off from the main gathering, one at a time, and take them into the room he had filled with examples of Temsevaran art so as to offer the perfect excuse for quiet conversation.
It was just as he rejoined the main room after one of the last such excursions that he found himself robbed of both breath and rational thought. He stared, against his will. Then reminded himself first to breathe, then to move and finally to remember that he was not the only clever bastard who could play people. But the damage was done and he wasn’t surprised when a few moments later he was presented to the young man who had come on behalf of Eritch Dragure. The vivid blue eyes held a hunger and a question. Durban smiled politely and passed the guest off to one of the handful of escorts he had employed, hoping the impact he had made wasn’t too visible.
He should have known it was never going to be enough. The next time he had a gap between conversations, there was a presence beside him and turning, the blue eyes met and held his own. They were set in a face of beautiful proportions beneath a sweep of blue-black hair. This time Durban looked and had to control his breathing.
“Vor Chola?”
“I normally wear a name tag, but I thought tonight I’d manage without,” he said lightly. “You come with a ‘property of’ label though. How is Eritch? I’m so sorry he was unable to be here.”
The blue eyes registered amusement and the beautiful face smiled.
“Vor Dragure is well, I believe, and I am sure regrets he is unable to attend tonight. But yes, he asked me to be his ambassador. To offer you what good will I may on his behalf.”
“I wouldn’t have thought he had the taste or the imagination.”
He could feel the heat of this other man’s body so close they almost touched. He could feel his own body’s response to it, urgent and uncontrollable and had to make a conscious effort to keep his breathing steady.
“I’m not sure he has.”
“You have a name?”
“I do. Does that surprise you?” The smile was there again, with a silent laughter. Durban found his own smile responding.
“I’m Durban. Vor Chola is for my staff.”
“I’m Roeul. Vor Ritsun to my staff.”
“You have staff? I thought you were…”
“Working for Eritch Dragure? No. I’m not his employee. Just returning the loan of a favour by accepting the grim and arduous task of attending this event on his behalf.”
Durban knew he should excuse himself and go back with the rest of his guests, where he had work to do. But instead, he asked: “So you are ‘City?”
“That’s right.”
The blue eyes lit up with humour at Durban’s obvious discomfiture. There was no fear or calculation there, just a silent laughter. Durban smiled and shook his head.
“It has been a pleasure to meet you, but you must excuse me.”
“For now, of course. Maybe you’ll be in touch, I’d like that.”
Durban didn’t reply and pushed himself physically away, using the few moments it took him to rejoin the main swirl of his guests to fight his emotions and perceptions back into some kind of controlled order. And because, of a sudden, he didn’t trust himself at all, he decided that he must link out to Jaz at the earliest opportunity and ask for a full security check on one Roeul Ritsun.

E.M. Swift-Hook

The life of an elderly delinquent in limericks – with free optional snark…

You are old, you should be soft and meek
Your voice should be quiet if you speak
It should never be you 
On radio two
Expounding a thought for the week

© jane jago

The third volume in the Gaia Collection,  The Gaia Solution by Claire Buss, is out now!

Zac stood in his office and scanned the briefing file in front of him, looking up briefly as Colonel Archer arrived. He was aware of her standing to his left but said nothing as he finished looking over the report.
‘So, not what we’d hoped, Archer.’
‘No, Sir. Fewer groups of refugees are arriving. I don’t think there will be many more. We can clear cities 24, 30 and 11 from the board. They’re not viable.’
Zac glanced at the map on the wall. It was accurate as they had been able to make it. Everyone who arrived at their camp was questioned carefully to determine which city they came from, which cities they passed and other important environmental information. 
‘You can take 36 off the map, as well as 15.’
‘Were they both destroyed by New Corp?’
‘No. 36 is full of radiation, it won’t be safe to inhabit for decades to come. Shame really, a stronghold in the mountains would have been a tactical advantage.’
‘Not when you read the latest report, Sir.’ Archer bit her lip as she waited for her superior to catch up on the results of weeks of investigation. She caught herself tapping her fingers impatiently and held back the urge to speak before he’d finished reading. Finally, Zac put the handheld down and leaned heavily on the desk in front of him.
‘The entire country?’
‘That’s what it looks like, Sir.’
‘And the calculations are correct?’
‘To the best of our knowledge.’ Archer paused. ‘Who are the people you brought with you, Sir?’
Zac pushed himself to standing and began ticking names off his fingers. ‘Artem you know. From City 42 we have their former rebel leader, Martha Hamble with her son as well as Archivist Kira Jenkins and former Force detective Jed Jenkins with their children. Dr Max Carter and Dina Grey are scientists, originally from Camp Eden, and Ash is one of Jed’s men.’
‘Perhaps their scientists can independently verify the data for us. It might also make them join our cause, when they know some of the facts.’
‘I don’t think we need to worry about whether they will join or not. None of them are pro New Corp.’
‘How do you know, Sir?’
Zac closed down his info wall, indicating that he wanted to leave the room, and Archer came with him as he swiped to exit.
‘New Corp wiped out Artem’s complex…’
‘Yes, we know that, Sir.’ Archer interrupted.
‘Kira’s parents were there. As was one of the new mothers from City 42. With her child.’
Wide-eyed, Archer paled and took a step back.
‘Are they all… dead?’
‘Completely annihilated. I don’t think we need to be worried about them being motivated to help us. We might have to hold them back.’ Zac gestured at the discarded handheld on the table. ‘Make sure they get a copy of your latest report. I want them to have all the facts.’

A Bite of… Claire Buss

Q1: How much do you see your Gaia books as being about our actual future? 

A lot of the technology I mentioned has basis in things that are being developed at the moment and my use of sweeps is an extension of how invasive social media can be, especially Twitter. I do believe that the next mass extinction event will be manmade, and I like to think that the planet, guided by Gaia perhaps, is capable of balancing itself out despite the damage mankind is making. Is it inevitable that one ruling, faceless company will be in charge of everybody’s life? You tell me. 

Q2: If there was one thing from the Gaia series you could have in real life, what would it be and why? 

Solar-powered transport would be awesome, I’d love a skimmer. 

Q3: Cats or dogs – and why?

Neither. In theory, both are loveable with many attractive qualities, but I have small people, they provide all the walking, pooping, feeding and cleaning I could possibly want.

Claire Buss is a multi-genre author and poet based in the UK. She wanted to be Lois Lane when she grew up but work experience at her local paper was eye-opening. Instead, Claire went on to work in a variety of admin roles for over a decade but never felt quite at home. An avid reader, baker and Pinterest addict Claire won second place in the Barking and Dagenham Pen to Print writing competition in 2015 with her debut novel, The Gaia Effect, setting her writing career in motion. She continues to write passionately and is hopelessly addicted to cake. You can find all her books on Amazon, share her thoughts on her blog, follow her on Facebook stalk her on Twitter or sign up for her newsletter. You can also participate in her Facebook group.