Granny’s A-Z – D is for Dogs as Fashion Accessories

Things that make us go poop…

Granny and the ‘ladies’ darts team of The Dog and Trumpet alphabetically collate their collective contempt for the inhabitants of the twenty-first century.

D is for: Dogs as Fashion Accessories

The incandescent rage this provokes can only be contained with copious amounts of Guinness and Tia Maria, loud swearing, and much kicking of rubbish bins. But confront it we must.
Each of us has a dog who is dear to our heart. They are: one Jack Russell terrier notable mostly for the frequence and aroma of his farts; one teacup poodle (rescued from a person not fit to ever own a dog) who will fight any other quadruped (up to and including a cow who was once unwise enough to wander into his garden), and a farm collie with mismatched eyes and a sweet, gentle temperament. The only thing these animals have in common is utter disdain for any dog who is treated as if they are an accessory.
Not, you must understand, in the criminal sense of the word as at leat two of our pets would be only too happy to take a leading role in any nefarious goings on. No. We’re talking about crimes against canine companions. Crimes such as dying dogs pink, carrying them in handbags, and dressing them in inappropriate versions of bad-taste human clothing.
Scrapper the teacup poodle is sort of white. ‘Sort of’ being a way of making allowance for the fact the earth he loves digging in is reddish brown so he is never pristine, no matter how often he is stood in the scullery sink for a wash. Even with this utter disregard for his mistress’ preferences, and her soft furnishings, it would be a crime to dye the poor little sod to match her predominantly purple wardrobe.
Gyp, the aforementioned windy terrier, would never forgive anyone who was to put him in a handbag and carry him like a trophy. In fact, the stubborn little sod won’t even get a lift in the basket of his ‘owner’s’ bicycle no matter how tired his stumpy little legs may be. The moral? Let your dog have his pride and don’t pretend he’s a plastic doll.
And finally. Clothing.
Macintosh coats are acceptable, as are warm winter fleeces. Bow ties and bandanas are sort of okay if the dog doesn’t mind. What is not acceptable is a much longer list: tutus, pyjamas, strange onesies to make your dog look like a unicorn/dragon/lion/why, hats, party dresses, tuxedos…
One could go on for a very long time. However. The exigencies of a 26-letter dissertation, and the collective blood pressure suggests we draw this letter to a close.
Thus. In conclusion it is necessary to understand that a dog is a friend, a protector and a partner in crime. Let them have their dignity or we’ll send Gyp to fart on you.