Granny’s A-Z – C is for Conspiracy Theorists

Things that make us go poop…

Granny and the ‘ladies’ darts team of The Dog and Trumpet alphabetically collate their collective contempt for the inhabitants of the twenty-first century.

C is for: Conspiracy Theorists

Taking the lid off this can of worms exposes a seething mass of hysteria, stupidity, and downright fibbing. Of course these folks have been around forever, but they used to be confined to Speakers Corner and writing madly illegible screeds to whatever newspaper was unfortunate enough to receive their patronage.

Now, however, they have an easily accessible platform from which to spew their fantasies. The internet’s ever-growing crop of ‘experts’ is only too willing to pass on the results of its extensive ‘research’ for the benefit of the vulnerable and the hard of thinking.

As Brenda (all too frequently) remarks, the inhabitants of the home for the bewildered in which her mother-in-law resides are uniformly terrified by the latest pronouncements one of their number reads them from the ‘pages’ of a prominent social media site. Currently they are shitting themselves about: clouds and vaccination.

Clouds? Really? Chemtrails? Ye gods. Have these people only just noticed the sky? Between us we have been alive for more than two centuries during which time there have always been clouds and jet aeroplanes have always left vapour trails.
And still we are alive.

The much-repeated mantra of the anti-vaccination lobby is that vaccines either kill people, make people zombies, make people infertile, or are, in fact, tracking devices enabling Bill Gates to know where everyone is all the time.
So:
If vaccination was killing people at the claimed rate there would be nobody left alive now, except a couple of corrupt politicians, a fat bloke called Cousin Cletus, three bull terriers, and some locusts.
One of our number lives in a quaint little cottage alongside the graveyard. She reports no zombie activity and the only people she sees without their brains are the zombie theorists
Infertility is less easy to debunk as the birth rate is declining worldwide. However the power of better birth control and women having actual choices cannot be discounted. Nor can the long arm of coincidence. Us? We have our money on there being no connection except in the minds of the sad (and probably self-described alpha).
Does anybody think Bill Gates could give a flying **** where you are and what you’re doing? If you’re dumb enough to believe he might you’re too stupid to even be worth tracking.

We rest our case. Conspiracy Theories are bunk and those who peddle them are…. (expletive deleted)