The Marquis sat in silence, with a priceless hand-blown glass in his hand, while around him his guests waded through course after course of exquisite food and bottle after bottle of vintage wine. 

He wondered why he had allowed himself to be persuaded to host such an insipid occasion. Then he caught his mother’s eye and remembered.

Tonight he was to choose a bride. 

The prospect didn’t appeal. 

The insipidity of this season’s debutantes repelled him, as did the despair of those on the shelf.

But the thing must be done. He turned to a random woman and smiled…

©️jj 2018

There was something in Alexei’s eyes that worried Anna and she began to get a sick feeling in her gut. Something was very far off kilter here. It was just a matter of working out what.
Valentina Stephanovitz had obviously caught the same vibe, because she snapped out another order in her native tongue. This time the big Russian ignored her. Turning instead a wholly reptilian smile on Patsy and Anna.
“It’s such a pity you came here ladies,” he sneered. “Your murder of Gospazha Valentina will set the seal on the vendetta that will see every last member of your family die in the most painful way we can contrive. I look forward to hearing your sons’ screams as they are repeatedly raped.”
Valentina rapped out another order and he turned on her with his face full of hate.
“You should be glad my orders are to dispose of you quickly and quietly,” he spat.
Anna saw the whole plan and cursed herself for not foreseeing such an eventuality. Then it dawned on her that whoever was behind this Alexei would be going for a clean sweep. The fingers of her left hand flew. ‘Get out of the car. Suspect bomb.’ It was the biggest relief of her life to hear Rod’s grunted assent. Dragging her mind back to her own situation she could hear the gloating evil in Alexei’s voice as he carried on enumerating the various fates in store for the whole Cracksman clan.
Patsy seemed to be bearing up remarkably well, even when the Russian pushed his face right into hers and his spittle ran down her cheeks.
“You need us in there?” Rod’s voice in Anna’s ear jerked her back to a sense of her own peril just as Alexei turned his back on Patsy and put his hand inside his jacket.
He probably thought himself quick on the draw, but in defence of her cubs Pats had the speed of an enraged she-bear. A small, but serviceable, pistol appeared in her rock steady hand. She shot twice and Alexei fell to the ground making strange whinnying noises.
“If he was only going for his handkerchief, I’ll apologise nicely.” Patsy’s voice was as steady as her hand.

Anna found herself able to look down on the groaning man with unfeigned composure. “Both arms. Nice shooting Pats…”
She wasn’t sure what she was going to say or do next but it didn’t matter anyway, as all thought was blown away  by a sound beyond sound as the whole building rocked, and the window next to Valentina blew in showering them all with shards of glass. Patsy was first to the broken window.
“It’s our car,” she cried with something like despair in her voice.
Anna made voice contact with Rod. “You lot all right?”
“Yeah. Picking bits of car out of our teeth. But fine. You okay in there?”
“Yeah. Pats has it in hand.”
“Right. We gotta go help the injured.”
Anna ran to Patsy’s side. “It’s okay. I got the willies. They were all out of the car.”
Patsy looked down at Alexei.
“You should be so grateful to whatever god you believe in. Because if any of ours had been hurt I’m fairly sure I would have been inspired to shoot bits off you. Starting with your dick. And if you don’t start talking now, I still might.”
The sweating man clenched his teeth together, and Valentina laughed harshly. She said something in a low vicious voice that had tears springing into the injured man’s eyes.
“If you are going to shoot him, I would recommend starting with some toes. Painful, but not sufficiently debilitating to stop him from answering questions.”
Patsy levelled her pistol at the frantically wriggling man.
“You sure I can’t do his dick?”
“Too much blood loss. If we want answers.”
“Oh yes. We want answers.”
Anna found herself deeply wishful of being anywhere but in that room. She felt as if the air was getting too thick to breathe and although she knew that Alexei was deserving of anything that came his way she lacked the appetite to watch. Although she hoped in her heart that Patsy wouldn’t shoot any more, she had a worm of doubt in her chest. This man had threatened Patsy’s sons…

Jane Jago

The children barely lifted their faces from brimming bowls of meat and juices and tubers. Talks to Trees was a little more circumspect, even though her own hunger was great.

Once fed, the warmth in the great skin lodge, and the fullness of her belly, induced somnolence, and it was only with an effort that she kept her eyes open.

The tall warrior who had found her crossing the ice with the children on her back smiled.

“You may sleep. You and the small ones are safe here. We only eat the white eyes.”

Trees forced her stomach to settle…

©️jj 2018

In order to escape the crowds
We hied ourselves high in the hills
And there beneath the glowering clouds
Did spy a sight to give us chills
Huddled neath some sheltering trees
A host of rudderless Japanese
So many that the stand of oak
Was filled with little faces
Who shivered as the raindrops soaked 
All of their tiny places
Too many were there to be counted
A problem that must be surmounted
The purple sky and dancing breeze
Which offered me such joy
Just made them shiver, cough and sneeze
Each woman girl and boy
Abandoned I my poet’s lark
And led them safe to the coach park
And now when I am old and grey
Too old to wander far
I muse upon that rain-wet day
As I sit in the bar
I laugh until my back they slap 
At soggy tourists. Minus map…

©️Jane Jago 2018

The Dai and Julia Mysteries are set in a modern day Britain where the Roman Empire still rules…

Even when he was supposed to be focused on the case, Dai found himself looking again at the selfie of Julia in the sun and wondering how she was. It had got so the image was always popping unbidden into his mind, leaving his thoughts distracted. He had no idea what he should say to her and dreaded that what he said might be the wrong thing. So he made no further attempt to contact her and as time went on he felt as though the opportunity to say anything, ever was slipping away from him.
“… which means we can effectively eavesdrop on him. Unless he wises up and turns it off.”
He was sitting in Bryn’s office in the Vigiles HQ in Viriconium and it took an effort to refocus his thoughts on what his senior investigator was saying.
“Eavesdrop?”
“Yes. You know how Tony Talog’s using that AI PA system? Mercuria? Well, turns out we can apply to have a listening ear put on it. I put in for it last night and got permission through first thing.”
“So we can spy on him using his own electronics?”
“That’s about the size of it. In fact, we have been for the last few hours.”
“I somehow don’t see him being that indiscreet, but we can hope.”
Bryn laughed. “Bard, you have no idea how people can be with these systems. They think of them as a one-way thing – something they control completely. They tend to forget that it’s connected to the entire internet and not just to their own home.”
“Remind me not to get it installed at the villa.”
“So I don’t think Tony will see it as being indiscreet, it won’t even occur to him there is an issue in the privacy of his own four walls.”
Dai frowned. “He has it at home as well as in his office?”
“Yep. He’s the kind who likes to make out he’s up with all the latest trends. Odd for a man who makes his living from the past, don’t you think?”
“Would be odd if he actually loved the past – Tony Talog doesn’t, he just exploits it.”
“Oh and we have a lunch date,” Bryn said. “Justina Cynddylan says she may have some information for us and wishes us to join her for lunch as her guests.”
“And she can’t just tell us because…?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. But she says she booked a table at an out of town place. Posh one too, Bene Placito, you may have heard of it.”
Dai nodded. It was one of the most exclusive eating places in the area specialising in the finest Roman cuisine. The kind of establishment where your meal would be sparse but served artistically and the fact you felt hungry at the end of the meal would not matter because one sight of the bill would remove what remained of your appetite. Dai had been toying with the idea of taking Julia there for her birthday as a surprise but was not entirely convinced she would want that. There were times he realised just how little he knew her.

As far as discreet went, Bene Placito served that up in buckets. The place was in one wing of a small villa, presumably also the home of the chef who owned it, that nestled in the hills behind Viriconium. The villa had a long private driveway which wound past fields of vegetables and livestock, showing off the produce that they would soon be eating.
Dai and Bryn were greeted at the door by a simply dressed waitress who asked their names and explained that each party or individual was given their own secluded dining room.
“Domina Cynddylan is in the Rose Room. If you will come with me…”
Bene Placito was a small slice of Roman elegance and opulence thrust into the British countryside. The decor and furnishings were all items that might grace the pages of patrician’s lifestyle magazines and set in amongst the modern, sophisticated, decor were exquisite examples of ancient Roman statuary and other artefacts.
The Rose Room turned out to be well named. It had a window onto a small walled rose garden, though at this time of year the bushes were little more than pruned back twigs, and there were several pots of indoor miniature roses sitting on small pedestals. Dai’s heart sank as they were shown in. he should have expected it, but somehow he had not. It was a triclinium. The three couches had been set to overlap, in three sides of a square with the table in the middle.
Justina Cynddylan was already ensconced on the central couch, helping herself to some olives from a bowl on the table. She smiled as the two men were shown in and made a sweeping gesture to the empty couches on either side of her.
“Thank you for joining me, please make yourselves comfortable and we will see what the chef is providing today.” Dai eased himself on to a couch, feeling awkward, but noticed with surprise that Bryn seemed completely unperturbed and slid onto his couch as if patrician born.
“You will have to excuse me from getting right down to business, but we can’t be assured of complete privacy until the meal has been served. The timing of that is always a little uncertain as Chef can be very temperamental.”
“I understand,” Dai said, though he was not sure he really did. But he sought an alternative topic of conversation. “There are a few antiquities here I see.”
“Oh yes. I have sold several genuine ancient pieces to Chef. He is a bit of a connoisseur of Etruscan art and it has been my pleasure to help locate and arrange the purchase of one or two for him.” She lowered her voice “To be honest he is a little obsessed, he is convinced he is descended from Etruscan ancestors, but when one is such a great artist as he is, one can be forgiven such foibles.”
The door opened as she was speaking and the waiting staff piled the table with heated stands and small covered pots, as well as plates with a few multi-coloured leaves strewn over them. A bottle of good wine and glasses completed the spread, then the staff withdrew.
Justina lifted a few lids and helped herself to some of the contents, and made the same imperious sweeping gesture with which she had greeted them. “Eat up. We can talk and eat.”
Dai eyed the items on her plate with some suspicion. He went for a plentiful portion of the grains and vegetables and only a couple of the more innocent looking meat slices, spooning garum over the whole lot to disguise any odd flavours. Bryn, meanwhile, was cheerfully piling his plate with samples from all that was on offer.
“The flamingo is excellent, don’t you think?” Justina nodded towards the meat Dai had chosen. He had some in his mouth at the time and chewed and made himself swallow before managing a nod. Why did the Romans insist on eating such things?
“Look, I really appreciate your – uh – generosity in inviting us here -”
“Oh, not so generous, Chef always gives me a discount,” Justina said quickly.
“Yes. Well, the thing is we are a bit pressed for time, so if you feel we are private enough now, perhaps we could get to what it was you wished to tell us.”

From Dying for a Vacation a Dai and Julia Mystery by E.M. Swift-Hook and Jane Jago

Cally and Matt’s divorce reached truly shocking levels of viciousness. 

When it was over they were left with a teenage daughter damaged almost beyond repair. Cally woke up first and went humbly to Patti’s room.

It was hard to find words to apologise sufficiently.

“Bit late, Mum.”

“I know that too.”

“Does Dad?”

Cally swallowed the hot bile that rose in her throat. “I dunno babe. Possibly.” 

“You’re bigger than him. He always says bad stuff about you.”

“Maybe I deserve it for hurting you.”

“He don’t care about hurting. But maybe I’ll be okay now I know you do…”

©️jj 2018

If you have a snotty nose
Pour some brandy on your toes
Rub some olbas on your knees
Fill a foot bath with some cheese
If you have a coughing chest
Put bananas in your vest
Rub some chutney in your hair
And run round the garden bare
In short, if you have the flu
Do the stuff you ought to do
Follow this stuff to the letter
Soon you will be feeling better

©️Jane Jago 2018

Everybody’s favourite private eye, the creation of Jane Jago, is live on Tall Tale TV right now. Why not listen in as Chris brings Sam, Sugar and their weird world to life?

The name’s Nero, Sam Nero. Private eye and augmented android. Me and my holographic sidekick, Sugar, operate out of an office on the fifty-fifth level of The Last City. We do okay. But some days are a bit bumpier than others…

When a dame whose everyday walk is as smooth and studiedly sexy as a big jungle cat, and whose make-up is as immaculate as a well-pressed designer suit, arrives in your office at a shambling run with her face all over tears and snot it’s a safe bet that something pretty bad is wrong.
I was lost in thought, with my feet propped on my desk and my hat tipped way down over my eyes, when my office door was thrown open in a dramatic fashion. I barely had long enough to wonder why in the hell my holographic door was now making an eldritch shriek, when Katie Scarlett O’Halleran and her exceptional bosom landed almost in my lap. She was crying, and her face was a mess.

She grabbed me by the lapels and tried to shake me.
“Sam. Sam. You have to come. Somebody has taken Daddy.”
I sat bolt upright and squared my shoulders. Anybody brave enough to mess with Mister Aitch was certainly a big fish, and I guessed I was about to go shark fishing. I grasped the sobbing girl by her slender shoulders.
“Calm down Katie Scarlett, and tell me what happened.”
“I already told you,” she all but screamed, “somebody has taken Daddy.”
“Details Katie, details.”

I gently compelled her to sit down, and held onto her until her chest stopped heaving and she took two steadying breaths. Then I got the bottle out of my drawer and poured her a stiff one. Her teeth chattered against the side of the glass, but the act of drinking calmed her almost as much as the bourbon.
“Daddy’s personal alarm sounded about an hour back. Me and the twins ran, but his office door was locked. When we broke the door down he was gone, and there was blood all over.”
“Okay,” I said, although I didn’t think anything was okay. “Where are the twins now?”
“Flirting with your holographic floozie. We set droids to watch on the office and came straight here.”
I decided now was not the time to react to the slur on Sugar’s character. Instead, I reached into the locked drawer of my desk and pulled out two extra weapons, a mini blaster that I stuck in my sock, and a weighted sap that slipped into my pocket.
“Let’s go then.”

The twins and Sugar were in animated sign language conversation.
“Sugar,” I said, “if anybody comes looking…”
“I don’t know where you are, and I certainly never saw these folks.” She flashed me that empty-headed smile that I knew hid a mind like a steel trap and wiggled her assets. I gave her the raised eyebrow and we left.

The trip down the glides was tense and silent. Katie had herself together but she was only holding by a thread, while the twins obviously looked to me for a lead. I’ll admit it. I was worried. So much so that I didn’t even bother to exchange words with the young chancer who thought it would be a good idea to put his hands on Katie Scarlett; I just broke his wrist before I threw him off the glide. Myk gave me the thumb, and Zig grinned a tight grin.

Jane Jago

Listen in now on Tall Tale TV and you can find the entire story in six episodes here if you want to read along.

The wizard who guarded the coach was old, wizened and crabby looking. He resembled nothing so much as a tortoise. But he was what he was, so people generally gave him a wide berth, which made it all the more surprising when the band of outlaws came screaming out of the woods.

“Stand and deliver!”

The coachman pulled up his team and sighed at the predictability.

“Magic wielder. If you please.”

The wizard waved a negligent hand and the sky filled with snapping dragon wings. The horses bolted.

Once the road cleared, the wizard fed each dragon a chocolate button.

©️jj 2018

When the last thing you remember is something that feels like a bee sting on the side of your neck, and you open your eyes to see a skeleton sitting in a wing-backed chair, apparently reading what looks like a very dog-eared copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ by the light of a hissing Tilley lamp, the temptation has to be to close your eyes and wait for it to go away. So I tried that. But it was no manner of use. All that happened was that I heard a dry bone-ish sort of chuckle inside my head.
I opened my eyes again and regarded the ossified one with some dissatisfaction. Then I noticed the spectacles – and that was the moment when hysteria almost overtook me. In order to wear spectacles the frames have to rest on your nose and your ears. Of course, a skeleton has neither but, nevertheless, these horn-rimmed spectacles hovered in approximately the correct position and hideously magnified a pair of bloodshot eyeballs, which seemed to be studying me in much the way a schoolboy studies a bug on a pin.
In an effort at nonchalance I snorted indelicately and sat up.
Bones averted its gaze, which alerted me to the fact I was completely naked.
“Can you cover yourself please?” The voice in my head was almost plaintive. “Normally I wouldn’t care, but I’ve been reading this…”
I laughed and pulled the bedclothes up to my armpits.
Bedclothes? At this point, my hair all but stood on end and it was only iron self-control, and the discipline of years, that enabled me to pull myself together.
I looked around me to discover I was in an enormous barrel-vaulted chamber – windowless except for one narrow slit high on the ceiling which threw a line of light on a clock face equally high on the opposite wall. This would seem to be suggesting that it was three o’clock in the afternoon. I registered that piece of information and filed it in my brain for future reference, before carrying on with the catalogue of my situation. I was sitting on what was possibly a tomb or, more likely, some sort of an altar, on a thick soft mattress and I had a downy coverlet pulled over me. At the side of my ‘bed’ there was a small pile of clothing: not mine. There was also a leather satchel – which was mine, and which I was very pleased to behold.
A deep, cool voice from behind me all but had me snapping my head around in surprise.
“Is there aught you require, lady?”
I turned around with calculated slowness to find myself looking into the eyes of an obviously female stone sphinx.
“My own clothes” I said coolly “and food”.
The creature met my stare head on for a moment before inclining her cranium ironically. She whistled shrilly, and a troupe of fauns clattered into view, bearing various items of clothing and a basket from which the scent of new bread oozed its enchantment. I inclined my own head as the little males disposed their burdens on the coverlet at my feet.
“Right boys” I said briskly “everyone turn away so I can dress in peace.”
They all turned, except the sphinx.
“You too sister. I have no desire to wring your little marble heart with my beauty.”
She snarled, but turned to face outward.
Once I was dressed in leather trousers and a form-fitting multi-pocketed weskit I opened the basket to find bread, bacon, honey, and a flask of wine.
“You can turn back now thank you” I remarked “and can somebody please take the bacon. I don’t eat flesh.”
One of the fauns trotted over and showed me its sharp little teeth in a feral grin as it took the lump of fat bacon out of the basket….

This is an extract from ‘The Nature of the Beast’. Just one of the stories in ‘Pulling the Rug 2’ by Jane Jago.