Granny’s traditional Christmas Dinner

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Prawn cocktail

Turkey, pigs in blankets, stuffing, chestnut stuffing, bread sauce, gravy, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, roast parsnips, mashed swede, carrots, Brussels sprouts, peas, ratatouille, red cabbage and butteredbroad beans

Christmas pudding, brandy butter, custard, clotted cream

I would be willing to bet a not inconsiderable sum of money that this is roughly what the inexperienced housewife thinks herself obliged to provide. Well I’m here to tell you that it just won’t do….

Simplify ladies. Simplify.

Number one: You. Do. Not. Need. A. Starter.  Your guests will mostly be too pissed up to deal with dainty, and ebpven if they are not you don’t want to take the edge off their appetites. We are reall not into eating turkey in February.

Number two: A sensible main course consists of: small helpings of turkey breast, many small sausages, many roast potatoes, some peas and some gravy. That’s all the buggers will eat anyway so don’t kill yourself providing gourmet food for the dog.

Number three: Nobody ever ate Christmas pudding. Give the buggers ice-cream strewn with dried fruits you have soaked in rum overnight. It will tip the few sober ones over the edge and they will fall asleep where they sit. Leaving the proseccco and chocolate mints for you.

Result *high fives and rumbas out of the room*

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